Christmas Miracles, And Day 3 4 and 5

With all the excitement of the season, I completely for

got to come on here and update my 30 day project! But first I'll talk about Christmas.

This has been the most amazing Christmas ever. As if being with my and J's family wasn't wonderful enough, I got an extra surprise this year. First, on Christmas Eve we went to a party at my Aunt's house. It was great! lots of great food, family, and gifts! My mama got me the Paula Dean cookware set that I have been DYING for for ages, and J gave me a gorgeous diamond snowflake necklace. My Aunt also handmade me a beautiful trinket box, complete with my very own helicopter! (See my 21st birthday post if you dont get the reference!)

Christmas Morning we went to J's Grandparents house for a yummy breakfast. His Grandmother knows how to make a slammin Mimosa! They gave me a gorgeous cake plate (something I have been wanting forever!) and some cute little pot holders that go perfectly with my kitchen! I dont have pictures of those yet, but I will eventually.

Then we were off to dinner at J's parents. Talk about a yummy feast. Ribs, ham, potatoes, fruit salad, a million different desserts...MMMMM! A good time was had by all! His mom got me an Eagles Jersey that says Pebbles, and J a Redskins Jersey that says Bam Bam! And we both got number 7 because it's our lucky number! Perfect!!!

After we got home, is when I got my special surprise. I logged on to facebook as I usually do, and I saw I had a message. I opened it up, and it was from my estranged brother. It basically just said "Merry Christmas, I love you very much. Can you please forgive me for all the time that has gone by?" I started bawling and just collapsed into J's arms. I was so happy. I had been wishing and hoping and praying that someday, somehow, I would be reunited with him. And it truly was a Christmas miracle! I couldn't have asked for a better gift!

Day 3- Favorite TV show: I have too many. Buffy the Vampire Slayer will always be a favorite. And Days of Our Lives will always be my favorite soap opera. But I also love shows like Intervention and Hoarders.

Day 4- Favorite Book: Well, the Twilight Series, DUH! I'm currently reading Decision Points by George W. Bush and am LOVING it. I miss that man so SO much.

Day 5- Favorite quote: A get a lot of my quotes from songs that fill me with such inspiration. I shared one earlier in my favorite song sections. I also love "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love, and be loved in return"

Alright, I've babbled on long enough! I have a lot more to update on but I'll save it for later this week. Jeez...Just thinking back to where my life was 2 years ago when I was in an emotionally abusive relationship, had practically no family, and living in Florida in a nightmare house...To where I am today. God has been by my side every minute. I am so blessed.

Day two- Favorite Movie and Christmas Wishes!

Ahhh such a simple yet difficult question. My favorite movie will always be Moulin Rouge.

The movie holds a lot of meaning for me, and it reminds me of a wonderful time in my life. But right now, my newest favorite movie is something similar. It's like a weird crossbreed between Moulin Rouge and Chicago. It is a FABULOUS movie and I highly recommend it to anyone who enjoys musicals. It's the new hit, Burlesque!

I also just wanted to wish all of my readers a very Merry Christmas, or whatever holiday you may celebrate! Tonight, J and I will be joining my family at my Aunt's home for a Christmas party. Tomorrow morning were off to J's Grandparents for a delicious breakfast, and then we go to dinner at J's parents. Woohoo two whole days of Ashley not slaving in the kitchen, and a whole lot of yummy food! Pictures will follow soon! Have a wonderful day ya'll!

Day One- Favorite Song

So I got this from one of my friends blogs. I guess this is just supposed to be a little fun month long activity to get to know me better (as if I don't spill my heart out on here all the time anyway)

So day one is my favorite song. This is hard. I love music. I love mainly broadway and showtunes. But right now I would have to say my favorite song that I listen to over and over again is.....


It makes me cry every time. It is just so powerful and the melody is so beautiful and melancholy. And the message is beautiful, and honestly how I feel about J.

"Then you look at me, and I always see, what I have been searching for. I'm lost as can be, then you look at me, and I am not lost anymore."

Herb Crusted Pork Loin

So I have decided to not update my recipe blog any longer. It's just too much of a PITA to go back and fourth. Instead, any of the awesome recipes I use I'll just post here.

This is a little gem I stumbled upon while I was sick with the flu last week. I was on the couch watching Ten Dollar Dinners on FoodNetwork. When this recipe was completed, it looked SO scrumptious, I had to try it. It was a HUGE hit. J said this was "Honest to God the BEST thing he has ever eaten. EVER. Even better then anything he's ever had at a restaurant." *pats self on back*. He walked away from the dinner table mumbling "Thank you God for sending me a woman who can cook!" Have I mentioned how much I love him?

You can find the exact recipe here. I tweaked mine a little and will post mine.

INGREDIENTS:
- 4.25 lb Pork Loin
- 2 tbsp. Cumin
- 1 1/2 tbsp. Cinnamon
- 1 tbsp. Cayenne Pepper
(these can be adjusted to how spicy you want your rub to be)
- 1/2 cup Italian bread crumbs
- 1 tbsp. onion power
- 1 1/2 tbsp. garlic power
- 1 tbsp ginger
- 1 1/2 tbsp parsley
(Again, these can be adjusted to taste, but this is about what I used. I also like to use onion and garlic powder instead of the real stuff. I find it less overpowering)
- A bit of Olive oil
- Some Dijon mustard

DIRECTIONS:
Preheat your oven to 350 degrees.

For rub: Mix together Cumin, Cinnamon, and Cayenne pepper. Rub over all sides of pork loin, generously coating. In a large pan, heat up some olive oil on medium heat. Once hot, place loin in FAT side down, and brown on all sides.

Once pork is browned, remove and place in baking dish fat side UP

Herb Crust: Mix together the bread crumbs, parsley, onion and garlic and ginger. Take a good bit of dijon mustard (Enough to cover top of pork) and spread over the top of the pork loin. Then press your bread crumb mixture into that.

Roast in oven for about 90 minutes.

I also made mine with baby red potatoes which I seasoned with some olive oil, salt, pepper, basil, and parsley. They were delicious! I served apple sauce on the side as well.

This is an AWESOME meal to make for the upcoming holiday, or any other night of the week! enjoy!!

I am cursed.

This is the only sane answer I can come up with. I must be cursed. Or it's good old *my last name* luck striking again!

I was laid off. Again. Totally unexpected and out of the blue.

And I am pissed. I let my former employer know it too.

Today I walked into work roughly 10 minutes before 9 am (I am always early), sat down at my desk and started filing through the new leads that had come in for the day. My boss whizzed past me without even a hi or good morning...Highly suspect. He looked at me and asked me to come into his office. Oh boy.

I was expecting to be filled in on the crisis of the day or something about a client canceling on us. I was WAY off. Instead, in a totally monotone, uncaring voice I hear:

"I have to let you go. Were going out of business. I needed to make a certain amount of money by a certain time in order to stay open. I didn't do it, so today is your last day. You can leave now. Sorry."

The first few things that went through my head were "I can't believe this is happening again" and "I could cry right now just thinking about how J will have to go back to being responsible for all the bills." And then...I really started to get angry. Angry about what was happening, and angry that my boss was so nonchalant about the whole thing. No compassion. No sympathy.

I let him have it. First of all I told him how terrible it was that he would do this the WEEK before Christmas. I had made several comments to him the last few weeks how I had not even STARTED Christmas shopping yet because my last few paychecks went to getting out of debt and paying bills. And then I voiced my opinion on how crappy I thought it was that he did not tell me at the end of the day yesterday, or called me early in the morning. Instead, I had to drive 30 miles and use all that gas to go to work for literally 2 minutes, only to be told to go home and never come back. All I got in response was "Sorry. I'll pay you for the whole day. Your last check will be mailed."

And I walked out. FUMING.

I called J on the way home, bawling, asking him to please forgive me. This was so not fair to him. He has been so amazing paying all the bills while I was out of work for 6 months. I had only been here 2 months!!!!!! Now he was going to have to do it again. He told me just to calm down and come home and we would talk more about it.

Lucky for me....I have a pretty amazing man in my life. I can't even begin to describe how blessed I am. I thought for sure J would resent me or feel taken advantage of. I thought for sure that when I got home I would be met by a grump boyfriend who was going to have dollar signs spinning in his eyes. Not that I think that J is this kind of person... I think anyone would feel like this. But I underestimated him. Instead of the horror I had imagined, I got a big hug and kiss and all the support in the world. "Money is not an issue honey. Don't worry about a thing. I like providing for our family." How did I get so lucky? I still don't get it.

Despite J's reassurance, I still worry like a maniac. The second I got home I got right online and started applying everywhere I could think of. Anywhere that would take me. Even though he's fine with it, I don't want all the responsibility falling on J. It's just not right. If we had kids for me to take care of all day, it would be one thing. But I can't just cook and clean and use our electric, eat our food, and use J's money to go shopping without contributing something to our finances.

The only other thing I can come up with is maybe all these lay offs is God's way of telling me that I am destined to be a stay at home wife. I wouldn't mind it. I like the whole domestic thing. I love seeing J's face light up when the house is perfect, and dinner is on the table. But I can't help but feel those pangs of guilt. I know all too well what it's like to be the only one seeing your money dwindle down while the other person is in a state of ignorant bliss thinking you're made of money.

I'm just praying for permanence. And peace of mind. Right now, the only concrete thing in my life is the love that J and I share. That is something that will NEVER be broken.

Changes.

It's been a while since I updated. Time has been scarce lately. Lots of stuff going on in the Ashley and J household! Some good, some could be better, but overall life has been pretty kind to us.

J and I have been having some issues lately. It's nothing major and nothing that couldn't be worked out (obviously, if were still together). Mainly it all just boiled down to him learning to not get so upset over the little things that in the end, don't really matter, and for me, learning how to be less insecure about myself and our relationship. There was a lot arguing in the beginning, but then arguing turned into just talking, and talking got things resolved! Our relationship is better than ever now. I think we appreciate each other more now that we have gotten everything off our chests.

Work has been crazy busy, and I am still loving it. It's nice knowing that I have a full days work and I am not just sitting around twiddling my thumbs all day long. I feel like I am actually worth what I am being paid, and I am working hard to earn it. There are a few days here and there where the phone just will not ring, and I find myself a little bored. But then, there is always something else to be done!

I have been sick the past 3 days. harumph. J had/has a nasty cold, that I thought I was going to escape. Sadly no. While having dinner at his mother's house on Sunday night I started to get that out of breath feeling in my chest. My throat was scratchy, my head felt like it weight 500 lbs...Ick. On top of that, I was experience excruciating tooth pain. I somehow managed to drag myself into work Monday morning, only to be told my boss to "get out of here because if you get me sick, you're fired!" Obviously he was joking...I think! He also said not to bother coming in on Tuesday either. So I got a little 4 day weekend in! Unfortunately it was spent sick.

Today I had a dentist appointment to figure out exactly what it is I am going to do about my teeth. Eh...it didn't go so well. Basically, I have awful teeth, inherited from my father and mother. My father had dentures by the time he was in his early 30's. My mother has tons of false teeth in her mouth. The outlook was never good for me. However, I did contribute to it as well, which I had no idea I was even doing. Whenever I get an upset stomach (which is often...I have no idea why. Usually every night I start feeling nauseous.) my mouth get super dry, and it always make me want to gag. One night, I was searching my house frantically for a mint or something and I found a honey lemon cough drop. I popped that sucker in and not only did is create some wetness in my mouth, the lemon settled my stomach. That was about 4 years ago. So from that day on, anytime I felt sick, I sucked on a cough drop. There would even be nights I would fall asleep with them in my mouth.

Well, little did I know, that all the sugar in those cough drops would partially cause my teeth problems today.

I'm not going to go all into the problems because they are personal and a lot of my problems has to do with me not getting the proper dental care I needed when I was a child. But I'm not calling anyone out. My next step is to go see an oral surgeon and taking it from there. I also have to cut sugar out of my diet. I mean, a little here and there is fine. But absolutely NO soda (which I have recently cut out anyway) Not a lot of fruit, or candy and cake obviously. Which sucks because I am a total sweets person! And NO MORE COUGH DROPS! To be honest, I'm freaking out about that a little. Just because I hate feeling nauseous, and they really did help settle my stomach. And it's not like mints don't have a lot of sugar either so they're out too. Ahhhh well...Maybe I can go to some freaky deaky health nut green store and find sugarless mints or something.

Alright, it's 3 am...J is snoring so loudly in the bedroom I can hear him from the office. at 10 tonight I was in a nice Vicodin induced sleep, but when J came in he woke me up just so we could snuggle for a little, and I havent been able to fall back asleep. Now with his snoring, I see no hope. Crap...He couldn't have done this yesterday when I didn't have work in the morning? Ahhh but he's too sweet to stay mad at. Good night (morning) all!

Randoms

I have a bunch of stuff to talk about, but I've been too lazy to write about anything.











First of all, Thanksgiving was awesome. We have 2 fabulous dinners in 2 nights. Thanksgiving day we went to Josh's moms house for a yummy feast of turkey, potatoes, corn, and everything else you could possibly imagine. It was so good and we ate so much, that had to make room in his stomach by, you guessed it, upchucking everything he ate. I am seriously concerned about him. He's either bullemic, or honestly just doesn't know when to stop eating! But a good time was had by all!




MMMM! Turkey and My BFF's (Rebecca at http://www.nomoreshouldacoulda.blogspot.com/) infamous sweet potato soufflet!

J being a goof, as usual!

Much better!

J's Dad passed out after dinner

Friday night we went to J's Grandparents house who put out a BEAUTIFUL spread of scrumptious food! It was delicious! Again, we overindulged..but everything stayed in our bellies this time!

J and I have put the tree up and decorated around our home for Christmas! Tomorrow we are going to a beautiful Battlefield Illumination that is held every year. J and his Grandparents volunteer every year and help light the 23 THOUSAND candles for every soldier killed. This year I am going with them =) It's a beautiful sight to see and I am so excited!

I have much more to update on and more picture to share, but it will have to wait a day or so!

Not too much to say

I'm trying to stay on top of this blog....Can't believe I've been doing this for almost a year now! This will officially be the longest I have ever kept a blog/diary in my whole life!

It is almost 5 am on Sunday morning, J is sleeping like a little baby....Me? I fell asleep super early and woke up around 3 am and haven't been able to get back to sleep.

Let's see...what's been going on?

J and I just got over a nasty stomach bug....Blech. It started lasted Sunday. Saturday night J and I indulged (overindulged) in a little something called Jagermeister. Naturally we woke up Sunday morning feeling not so hot, but that passed. We went out to lunch at our favorite local Italian place. I got my stromboli, J got his pizza sub. About an hour after returning, J started saying he really didn't feel well. He actually took a 2 hour nap. J NEVER naps during the day. He can't. So I knew something wasn't right. He started feeling worse and worse, poor guy. I went out and got him some gatorade and gave him an anti-nausea pill. He napped some more. Finally about 6 o'clock he went outside for some fresh air. 5 minutes later, I poked my head out the door to see if he was alright...Boy do I have impeccable timing. I peeked out just in time to see the contents of his stomach spilling out over the deck. EWWWWW!

Grossest.thing.ever. Not even kidding. I HATE puke. I actually suffer from something called Emetophobia. It's the fear of vomiting (If you laugh or make fun I'll stick a fork in your eye.) It's actually the fifth most common phobia in the world. I used to have it very bad. If I felt sick to my stomach I would have panic attacks and cry and feel like I couldnt breathe. Ever since my kidney stone (and my introduction to the world of alcohol) I really don't freak out over myself being sick anymore. However, I still have SERIOUS issues with other people getting sick. But this was J.....My strong and tough guy! I hated seeing him like that. So I sucked it up and went outside and rubbed his back and cleaned him up. Poor guy was so sick the rest of the night, he couldn't even stand up from being so weak.

Monday morning I woke up feeling ICKY. And I mean icky. Like the way J had first felt. I went into work though, and was promptly sent home by my boss. I knew it was going to happen. He is one of the rare employers that actually CARES about an employees health and also understand the concept of that if you come to work sick, it will spread like wildfire throughout the office, thus causing half the staff to be out. So home I went. J was already feeling much better by the time I got home. I slept, puked, and slept. And it was over by Tuesday morning.

So that is pretty much it for what has been going on. It was a crazy week at work, but I love it. It's nice to be busy all day long and feel like I am accomplishing something and am worth what I am being paid.

Oh, Friday night J and I went to a little after party for my cousin who just got married at the courthouse yesterday. He and his new wife just found out they are expecting in July! At first, it was hard news to hear. But as J reminded me...A new baby to love on and play with! J and I both had to laugh though. My cousin was introducing us to his friend and he says "And this is my cousin Ashley and her...soon to be....or wait? Husband? You guys are married now right?!" I just said "From your lips to God's ears Stephen!" Do we really act like that old fuddy duddy married couple already?! I think half my family is under the impression that were engaged. When J gave me my pre-engagment ring, and we showed it to my Grandmother, she got this huge smile on her face, hugged Josh and told him "Welcome to the family!" She then proceeded to tell everyone we were engaged. Oy. That was embarrassing to explain.

Someday someday someday.

Coming Clean

So there has been a particular event in my life that I have kept under wraps for the last few months. J and I didn't feel like we wanted to share it with anyone at the time. Lately he and I have been thinking about it a lot, and when I think about things, I tend to dwell on them. And writing helps me get rid of that feeling of wanting to dwell so, here I am.

Back in the first week of August, J and I found out we were pregnant. And just as quickly as we found out, it was over.

Basically what happened was we went on vacation in July, had a blast! The day we returned, I had that AWFUL kidney stone attack. My first kidney stone I passed in 24 hours of the attack. No problems. This one, however, took me over 2 weeks to pass. I couldn't stop throwing up, I was passing out...Constantly peeing but never passing the stone. Finally it ended and I started feeling like myself again, but never felt quite right.

A week or so later, I went to my OBGYN to have some testing done and some bloodwork drawn to keep an eye on my blood levels. 6 months prior, I had the blood test done for ovarian cancer and my bloodwork came back suspicious. So I was having it rechecked. While I was having that done I mentioned to my Dr. that I hadn't had a period in a while. I told him about my kidney stone experience and how I just didn't feel right. He decided to do a blood test to check for pregnancy. The lab was right in the office so about 30 minutes later, He came back in and said "I have good news! You're bloodwork came back normal. We don't have any reason to suspect that you have cancer!" As if that wasn't news enough...."Oh...And, you're pregnant!" I was shocked. SHOCKED. Thrilled, and shocked. I had a stupid grin on my face. I cried, clutched my belly and silently thanked God for this unexpected, but wonderful miracle. It hadn't been something J and I were planning on this soon, but a baby is a miracle. period.

I've had previous miscarriages so I am and always will be considered high risk. So he wanted to do an ultrasound right then and there. I changed into a gown and had a trans-vaginal ultrasound since I wasn't very far along. I was shaking with anticipation, anxious to get home and tell J.

I could see the little bean on the screen in plain sight. GAHHHH!! OMG it was true! There was a baby inside of me! She moved it around a little, begining to look a little concerned. He couldn't find a heartbeat. It was still early though, and it's common to not always hear it in early stages. But then the devstating news came...."Ashley....based on your last period you are 6 weeks and 5 days. However, the fetus (I hate that he used that word) is only measuring 4 weeks and 2 days. I'm afraid there is no sign of progress for this pregnancy. You've had a miscarriage."

My whole world began and ended in 5 minutes time. For 5 minutes, I was a mother. No...I take that back. I still consider myself a mother to my angel babies.

I have changed drs since this experience. As I was walking out of the room, he asked me if I wanted a picture of the ultrasound.....I just stared at him. He could tell I was offended and quickly said "Some people like them to use for memorials..." I just shoook my head, paid for my visit and got into my car. I sobbed the whole way home. Like ugly snot dripping out of my nose, drooling everywhere kind of sobbing. I went to Popeye's to pick up lunch for J and I, as promised, and headed home. When I got there, J was all excited for his food. But he saw the look on my face. His immediate thought was that I had cancer. Afterall, that is what the visit was supposed to be about.

I told him everything. And he held me and we sobbed together. I had never seen him like that before. I didn't like it. the rest of the night was pretty much a blurr. But I will tell you...It was nice having support this time. When I was with my ex, and had my miscarriage...I was at work, in the office by myself. In the bathroom. I miscarried that baby in the bathroom of a dirty office, with my ex on the phone going "Can you stop screaming so loud? I'm trying to watch the cutscene of the game!" No joke.

I went in the next morning for a D&C. They did another ultrasound just to make sure. I didn't even look at the screen because I knew already. I didn't want to see that again.

J and I shed many many tears for the next few weeks. But it got easier. Until now. For almost a year, I've been blogging about my life and my thoughts, and my struggles as a miscarriage survivor. Those of you who have been through it know how difficult it can be learning of new pregnancies...even if you are genuinley happy for them. 2 people in my family just found out they are pregnant. And while I am SO happy for them..like ridiculously happy....it's hard for me to think "Wow...I would be almost 5 months pregnant right now."

But I just keep repeating my mantra "someday someday someday". 'Honestly, a baby right now would of course, be a blessing, but not something J and I are really ready for. Were both getting settled in our careers and working on our life. I'd like to do things the old fashioned way "first comes love then comes marriage, then the baby in the carriage". I wish God had blessed me with more pacience.

Well, this turned out to be a long one. But there was a lot to tell. Im sure I missed something, but I'll spare you the details.

Crazy Busy!

Things have been pretty busy around here....And I love it!

I love my job so much. It's completely beyond anything I could have ever imagined. I didn't realize how much responsibility was going to fall on my shoulders. I thought I was just going to be a simple clerical worker....I had no clue I would be running an entire office!!!!


This job was such a blessing...a blessing that I thought wasn't going to happen.

on Sunday the 24th I had seen an ad in the local paper, advertising for an "open house" for people to come apply for this administrative position at a local cleaning company. So the next morning, I gathered up my resume, put on my office attire, and on I went! Basically I just filled out an application and then met with the owner for a little while. I really liked him and got a good vibe. He told me that he would be calling people for second interviews that night.

fast foward to about 9 pm....No phonecall...I was sitting there stuffing my face thinking "Guess another one with a degree got it......" I was in the middle of singing to a karaoke song (I sing when I get stressed..It calms me down) when the phone rings! Thinking it's my mother calling at such a hour I answered, thinking nothing of it. It was the owner asking me to come in for a second interview! Whew. what a relief. At that point I was feeling pretty confidant that I would get the job. I've never had a second interview and not gotten the job.

I went in the next day for my second interview...It went great just like the first and again I got a really good vibe. The owner then said I would hear from them tonight definitely if I got the job. If I didn't hear from them, it meant they went with someone else.

7 pm:
Okay...they didnt call me till 9 last night so maybe thats when they will call tonight....

9 pm:
Annnnnny minute now my phone will be ringing......yep. Any minute.....

10:30 pm:
They wouldn't call this late......maybe? no....

Midnight:
Uncontrollable sobbing commenced. I was SURE I had the job. What was I going to do?? My unemployment was going to run out in 2 weeks and then I would have zero income.....why me?!?!?!?!

10:00 am
*RING RING RING RING* "Hi Ashley? This is Mr. Boss from blankity blank....I'm SO sorry I didn't get back to you last night...My son needed X-rays and then we found out my Wife's Grandmother passed away....It's been a pretty crazy few hours. Anyway, I was calling because I would love for you to come work with us!!!!"

GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

I started the next day and I have been LOVING it ever since.

I am like a totally different person now. I am happy all the time, I feel better about myself, I'm a pleasent person to be around!

It was a close call....but someone up there was really looking out for me....And I think I know who......

Thanks daddy!

I'm a working woman!!!!!!

I finally got a job!!! HAAAAAAALLELUJAH!!

I don't have time to write about it right now. It's 1:30 in the morning and the only reason I am up is because the puppy was whining. My first day is tomorrow!!

This is my dream job! Great hours, great pay....God is SO good.

6 months of housewifedom have come to an end......THANK GOD. It was fun at first...playing litle Suzie homemaker...But damn I was bored. I am now contributing to society again!!

Alright ya'll...7 am comes very early! Night!

Ashley's Digital Keepsakes

I've started a business! Yep. That's right! SCREW the man!!! I can't find a friggin job in this Obamanation, so I made my own job!

Check me out, and tell your friends!!!!

http://www.wix.com/ashleysdigikeepsakes/memorymakers

Happy 1 year J!!!

That picture was taken a year ago! It was our first picture together. J looks thrilled doesn't he?



AHHHHH I can't believe a year has gone by already! It doesn't even feel like that long. But then again, it feels like we have been together forever. I guess that is the way it goes when you're madly in love.



We have had an awesome anniversary. Last night we had a few of our best friends over to celebrate. And celebrate we did! J and I were both moaning in agony when our alarm went off at 6 am. Thank God it was pouring rain outside. J is a landscaper so when it rains, it means he's home that day! We hopped right back in to bed and cuddled for the next few hours.



We went out to an early dinner at our (my) favorite Mexican place. There was not a soul in there today! J swears he rented the place our so it could be just us. He's sticking to his story and keeping a straight face so I am choosing to believe him. How sweet =) Then on the way home, our song came on the radio (God Blessed the Broken Road) it could not have been more perfect!



Tonight, were popping some popcorn, pouring some champagne, and watching a movie. What movie might you ask? Mamma Mia! Exactly 1 year ago tonight, I was sitting in my living room by myself, eating some takeout, in my PJ's in the dark, watching this movie. I had been texting J on and off throughout the night. All of a sudden, right in the middle of "Honey Honey" I get this text saying "I'm going to go to bed. But one thing before I go...Will you be my girl?" I squealed with joy because we had been shamelessly flirting for weeks now! I was seriously weak in the knees, school-girl crushing all over him. And he finally asked me to be his woman!!!!



So folks, that is the story. Oh I forgot to add one little thing.........

Isn't she BEAUTIFUL?!?? No, it's not an engagement ring. But it is, as J is calling it, a "pre-engagement ring". He wanted me to have something to symbolize how much he loves me, and how one day in the near future, I am going to be his wife. *swoooon* Ahhhh my guy. He still gives me butterflies after all this time. Marriage is something we talk a lot about actually. An engagement will probably happen within the next 1-2 years. I think about how fast this last year went by and think "Oh gosh! I might be engaged this time next year!!" But for now, I am in love with my wonderful man, and my sparkly new friend =)

Puppies and fall decorating

Top of the TV
The living room

Gemmie in her bed

Playing with her toy, and Rambo lurking in the background

Look at that face!

It really is true....Having a small puppy is like having a baby. But little miss Gemmie is doing great! J is absolutely in love with her...I knew he would be. How can you resist a little ball of fluff??

Not much else to say excep Gemmie is doing great, J and I are great, and the house is looking great! So excited for fall!

Woah, I've been lazy

I have way too much to upate on, and not a whole bunch of time to do it in. So I will give you the cliffnotes version....

September 16th was my birthday!!! I can honestly say it was the best birthday I have ever had. It started at 5:30 in the morning when I got up with J so he could drop me off at his moms on his way to work. She had some surprised planned for me apparently....2 hours and a shitton of traffic later, we arrived at a small private airport. I was going on a helicopter ride!!! And not just any helicopter. The very same one that the Queen of England rides in. I literally sat my tookus in the same spot as the Queen! I kept saying I felt like Paris Hilton or something!!

Later that night, J, my mom, our friend the other J, and MY J's parents went out for dinner and drinks. I consumed A bahamma Mamma, A long Island Iced Tea, a Sex on the Beach and some southern comfort drink. I was DUNZO by the time we left the restauraunt. But it wasn't over! That was just pre-gaming!! Went back to our house, and discovered the most delicious drink I have ever had in my life. We call it "Creeper Lemonade". It's Rasberry vodka (which btw is delicious by itself...You dont even need to add anything), water, and lemonade mix. We call it "creeper" because it literally sneaks up on you and knocks you on your ass. 2 glasses of that and I was even more toasted. I finally passed out on the bed, while the boys were downstairs watching Moulin Rouge....Yes...You heard me. Moulin Rouge...It's one of J's favorite movies!!!

The next day I got my present from J....While I was out, he landscaped out entire front yard!!!! He did a beautiful job!! This is something that had he actually gone to a job to do this, probably would have cost a good bit. It looks so gorgeous and we now have the prettiest yard in the neighborhood. Plus, J got a new client out of it!! One of the neighbors saw what an awesome job he was doing, and asked him to landscape their property! This gift meant so much more to me than anything he could have gotten at a store. It's something he built with his own 2 hands...For our home. I'll always treasure it! Even when we move.....Just knowing he did that for me.....Gets me choked up =)

Saturday was a little party that J threw for me. All of my wonderful friends came out...It was a blast!!! Even my mother got wasted! So much so that she didn't even remember how she got home that night! Ahhh...She needed a good night out!

Some more awesome news....J and I are expecting a little bundle of joy!!! And it's a girl!!!!!!!!!! We are so excited that we will have a little baby girl this Sunday!!!

Oh...Did I mention she's a Pomeranian puppy?? Gotcha ;)

After we had to give away our precious KG (our rottie/shepard mix) We have been wanting to get a puppy. Our house is just too small for a big dog like he was. He needed much more room to run around. So he went to go live with a nice family with 3 acres!! We decided on a Pomeranian because I have had Poms before...I love ALL dogs, dont get me wrong. But I have never loved a breed like a Pomeranian. Best part is...She'll always be too little to get up on the counters or into the trash!!!! I wasn't even intending on purchasing a dog right now. But this was just too amazing to pass up. For those of you who have seen Marley and Me, you know what "clearence puppy" means. Well, that is what she is. She was discounted because she has an irregular heartbeat. This is something that WILL clear up with age, but she still will never be able to be bred, or be in shows. So she was offered at a discounted price that was too amazing to pass up. Plus, I was born with an irregular heart too...It was meant to be! We will be picking her up early Sunday afternoon. I of course, am over the moon thrilled....J is happy that I am happy, but he's not big into little fluff balls....Or "Dustmops" as he calls them! But he still thinks she is adorable!

Alright, so I think that is it....for now. I'll try to udate this mor often, but with a new baby it's going to be difficult!!

Fall is arriving!!!

I AM SO EXCITED!!!!

The fall weather is starting to come more and more! Today it was 70 degrees and breezy! I was in heaven!!! If that kind of weather is going to stick around, remains to be seen. But I sure hope so!

J and I have a fabulous day. It's been a looong time since he and I actually just went out and spent time together. We had a nice lunch at the local Italian place here, then headed toward the mall so I could place an order for his Anniversary gift! Since he never reads this, I can tell ya'll what I'm getting him.

I decided on a pocket watch from Things Remembered. Not that he'll actually use it, but I thought it would be a nice thing to have for when he gets older. I'm having it engraved with his initials on the front (JRCF....Yes, he has 2 middle names! I love it, because so do I! Actually, I have 3.) and on the back, I'm having this saying engraved that is just SO perfect for us, because it describes us EXACTLY...."Friends yesterday, lovers today, soulmates forever." When I saw that saying on a sampler, I about DIED! It was just too perfect. We started out with the intention of only being friends, then we progressed to something more, but never thought it would actually go anywhere, and now and forever, we are soulmates. Bound together forever by our love for each other. It was just so perfect, and I get choked up just thinking about our life together.

Wow....in a month, it will have been an entire year. 365 days since my heart learned to love again. I never dreamt it would happen so quickly. I even remember thinking to myself when I first started to think I was in love with him..."No, it can't be! We haven't even been together that long! But....I'm honestly in love with the man."

It's so funny. When I first broke up with my Ex, I spent so much time agonizing over the thought that I would never find someone again. I suppose that is why I stayed with him so long, even after my heart had completely checked out of the relationship. I was terrified he was the only one who would ever love me. I was settling. But I got brave, and without even trying, found this wonderful man. J has helped me so much. He has helped me overcome so many fears of mine. I could never even begin to show him how appreciative I am. He treats me....Like a LADY. I've never been treated like that before. I was also treated as the "bank"...Just a means to get by from paycheck to paycheck. But J treats me like I'm the most precious, rare jewel on this earth. And that is the way EVERY girl should be treated.

So I guess the moral in this mushy gushy lovey post, is, for all the women out there who are just "SETTLING"....Don't. GET BRAVE! Don't be afraid to let go. He's out there....your very own precious and rare jewel. He's just waiting to be discovered!!!

Come one, Come all!

I've started a cooking blog! YAY!! I've been talking about it for a while now. But I have finally done it!

Check it out and follow me on over!

www.shesbeenoutofthekitchen.blogspot.com

Moving on and up, and letting go

Boy do I have a lot to talk about today...Where do I begin?

I'll begin with my Niece.

She just turned 13, and we have such a great relationship since we reconnected last summer. I've been able to be the Aunt that I always wanted to be! I knew, that eventually, she would want to know why I wasn't in her life for 10 years. And tonight, she finally asked that question.

I just found out, my brother divorced his wife, who is the reason I never got to know my Nieces. My Niece is pretty upset by the whole experience, and her family has been divided in 2. Her moms family is of course, taking her side, and me? Of course I have my Brother's back. So she finally asked me tonight. What could I say to her? I always told myself if would tell her the TRUTH if she ever asked. And so I did. She was pretty upset finding out all this information. But in the end, she understands. And I told her that it doesn't matter what happened in the past. All that matters is that we are in each other's lives now, and no one is going to separate us again. I truly feel so blessed to have her in my life. I'm so excited she feels the same way, and I can now watch her grow into a beautiful woman!

That's my moving on. Now for letting go.

I have a person in my life, who is just an amazing woman. She is my ex's brother's girlfriend. We'll call her R. She and I got very close over the last year because we have one of many things in common...We can't stand my ex's mother. Don't even get me started on her. This woman does not deserve to breathe the same air as the rest of us...For reasons SHE knows. She knows very well how she's screwed up her and her son's lives.

Anywho... R is very sick. Very sick. And has been for quite some time. After 2 years, she is finally getting the help she needs, thank God! She's getting major surgery on Thursday and I'm just worried sick about her. I wish I could be there for her. But she knows I'm there in spirit. So, if I can ask all ya'll to send good vibes and thoughts and prayers for her, that would be amazing!

Now, I don't talk to my ex...At all. I found out he's moving to NY on the 14th of September. Good for him. I also found out he has a girlfriend. Again, good for him. It took him a freaking YEAR to finally let me go...Up until about 3 weeks ago he would call me and txt me crying "please come back to me, I'm still in love with you, there will NEVER be another you!" Riiiight. I hate to say I told ya so, but.....

We had a dog together though. A sweet tiny little 3 lb Chihuahua named Lyric. I loved her so much but for financial reasons had to leave her behind until I could afford to have her shipped to me when I moved back home. Well, he was refusing to give her to me, and his mother, and I use that term losely, said the only way I could get her back was if I paid them for however long they were taking care of her. Yeah...You're a freaking crook. That's called extortion. So now I've come to find out that my Ex will not be keeping the dog...His mother is. This makes my blood boil like nothing else ever could. This woman robbed me blind while I was living with them, and now she's gotten my 800 dollar dog out of me too???!?! I could fight it. All her paperwork is still in my name, and I've already talked to the breeder who said she would be a witness for me. I could do it. But I'm not going to. I'm letting go. Yes, this kills me, and I know she is getting great pleasure out of it....But I'm letting go. I don't want any ties left to her or my ex. And Lyric would be a constant reminder. I know my life is so much better without them in it. And I know GOD has a special place for people like her. I'm letting go.

Moving up:

I am ECSTATIC to let you all know that I......am..........

ENGAGED!!!!!!!!!!!

Just kidding! Gotcha ;)

I know ya'll are waiting for that announcement...Not yet though.

No, but I am going back to schoool!! HAAAAAALLELUJAH!!!!

I am soooo amazingly blessed that my mom has agreed to help me go back to school. Now I can REALLY get my life on track.

J and I have been fighting a lot lately, because I have been feeling incredibly guilty about him paying all the bills while I've been out of work. I've been very on edge and tense. I'm not used to being taken care of, it was always the other way around. And I had been starting to feel like HE was feeling like he was being taken advantage of.

So now, going back to school, I won't feel so crappy for being out of work, because I'm DOING SOMETHING WITH MY LIFE!!! Thank you God!!

I'm going to take this town by storm. I'm Ashley. I don't fail. I won't! Look out world, here I am!!!!!!!!!!!!

The 30 day Nightmare...I mean shred!

UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG I dont want to do this!!! WAHHHHHH!

But I have to.

See, I had told myself that in order to enjoy exercising, I needed to do something that kept me entertained. So I went out and bought this nifty Dancing with the Stars Salsa Dancing workout DVD. Well, I popped it in tonight all excited, and guess what?!?! I CAN'T DANCE!!! This was not a new discovery. I've always known that I couldn't dance. But I'm telling you, I can't even do a simple merengue! I looked like some awkward twisted old man trying to do the cha cha slide. Not pretty.

So I'm going back to hell....The 30 Day Shred. Oh Jillian, how I despise you! But I figure if there are women out there who weight 500 lbs and can do this, I can too!

So I'm trying. Again. *sigh*

In other news, we bought a new sofa and loveseat today! WOOO!!! A local furniture store was having a going out of business sale (Thank you, Obama) and the deals were AMAZING. We honestly just went in there to look around and see what we liked. We were in the market for a new sofa, but not to purchase today! But this deal was so amazing. We got both pieces for $899!!!! So we signed, and we pick it up on Tuesday, yippeee!!!

More exciting news...On Monday morning J is going in to register for his college classes!!! WAHOOO!! I'm so excited for him. He's going in for Criminal Justice. He was asked to come back and start his physical testing for the State Trooper program, but decided against it. If he were to go through all the training and actually become a Trooper, he would more than likely get stationed out in the Eastern part of the state. And that is not good. Both of our familes are here, and honestly we would not be able to afford to relocate right now. So he turned it down, is going through 2 years of school to get his degree and then will start applying for county police positions! I'm going to get one of those bumper stickers that says "Back off...I sleep next to a cop!"

Me? Still on the lookout for a job. The freaking local gas station won't even call me back. *sigh* I need to go back to school. Our local CC is offering a certification program that will be perfect for me! It's a Medical Administrative Specialist certification. I might be able to swing it, if I can just get a rinky dink little job. We shall see!

Alright...Time to do this damn work out...UGGGG. I wanna die already!

A blog with actual meaning

Normally I just write about pretty mundane stuff. Things that just don't really mean anything to anyone. Just the goings on in my and J's life. But today I have something with actual meaning to say.

Politics. It brings out the absolute WORST in people when they don't agree. And I completley understand that, because I myself, feel very strongly about politics. I like politics. I am proud to say that I am Republican...Not Conservative..Republican. A lot of my views are actual pretty Liberal, like gay marriage. But I am a PROUD Republican.

Now, I was lucky enough to find someone like J who shares the same views as I do. In fact, one of the first things I asked J that night he came to my house was "Wait....Did you vote for Obama?" His response was HELL NO. And so I told him he could stay and was welcomed anytime.

Funny story actually.....Back around election time, I had read in the paper that ALL of the Obama signs in town were being stolen from people's yards, and they were trying to find the people who did it. This was like a huge story in our little one horse town. They talked about it on the radio, local news, papers, everything. They never did find out. But I know who it waaaaaaaaaas! J and his friends! So again, fate plays a part in my and J's relationship....I KNEW about him before I even knew him. But I digress.

I was reading an article yesterday about Bill O'reilly. I used to love him and his show. But he's just gotten so darn liberal that I just don't agree with anything he says anymore. This article was about how he is slamming Jennifer Anniston because she was promoting her new movie "The Switch" and encouraging single motherhood. Saying how there's nothing wrong with being a single mom and how women should not give up on having children just because they don't have a man in their life. Bill however, thinks this is "destructive to society." Really, Bill? He believes that my Jennifer Anniston making this comment, teenagers are going to want to go out and get pregnant and have the father absent. REALLY?! This honestly, hit home with me, and got my goat. So I sent him an email. He will probably never read it, but I've said my peace and I feel good about it. And here's the email.



Mr. Oreilly,

I was shocked today when I read an article about how you were arguing Jennifer Anniston's comments about single motherhood. I see nothing wrong with what she said. In today's society we have television shows like "Teen Mom' and "16 and Pregnant" that seem to glorify teenage pregnancy, a lot of times, without a father figure present. But are these shows really glorifying it? Teenagers have been having sex and getting pregnant long before these shows came around. And sure, the number of teenage pregnancies have continued to climb as the years go by, but are television and movies really to blame? Gas prices rise, music changes, styles change. Science and Technology evolve over the years. Things change. They always have, they always will. And sometimes, they don't change for the better.

I truly don't believe 1 actresses comment is going to make a teenager say "Hey! I think I'll go have a baby today!" Actually, I find her comment empowering. I believe that EVERYONE should have the opportunity to become a parent. Everyone. Sometimes, you just don't find that Mr./Mrs. Right. Does that mean you are not entitled to enjoy and experience the wonders of parenthood? We would all love to have that fairy tale ending. But it just doesn't happen for some. Some women only have a certain amount of time to work with. Fertility issues play a part too. And I think it's extremley inconsiderate and close-minded to put someone down for encouraging others to not give up their dream of becoming a parent, especially when you know not of any extenuating circumstances.

Maybe you should take this into consideration before you start judging.

Am I wrong here? Shouldn't everyone have the opportunity to be a parent if that is what they want?

Babies, Kittens, and Automobiles!

My day as a mommy is over, I'm so sad! But it was such an amazing time, I'm so glad I got to experience it!

Though, of course, I would get little Edan on one of her "bad" nights as her mom called it. She was SUPER gassy after her first bottle, and it lasted for pretty much the whole day. She was SCREAMING, and I mean, screaming. Like, lip quivering and turning bright red. At first, I thought I was doing something wrong. I was freaking out thinking I was a bad mother. But then she stopped crying, smiled, farted, and started crying again. At that moment I knew it was painful gas. So I did all I could to comfort her. I didn't want to give her any of those gas medicines they make because I dont know how she would react to it, and I couldnt get a hold of her parents. Poor thing, I felt so bad. But I changed diapers and fed bottles like a pro! It felt so real, like she was my daughter. I actually at one point heard her crying in her pack n' play and said "Hold on Edan, Mommy's coming!......Oh...wait..." Josh said it just looked right. Like I was made to be holding babies. You know how women always say that don't want to be "barefoot, pregnant, with a baby on their hip and cooking in the kitchen"? Yeah, well, that sounds like my dream life! I can only hope I get to the point in my life where I'm able to juggle all those things ate once!

J's grandparents came over and played with her for a bit...It was a huge help because Mini, J's Grandmother (Marydon over @ http://www.blushingrosetoo.blogspot.com/ ) gave me some awesome tips on how to relieve some of her gas, and it worked! She still had bad moments here and there, but overall she was a lot more comfortable. My mom came over too and held her, that was so sweet to see. My mom wants to be a "Nana" SO badly, it's not even funny.

Despite these moments of preciousness, the whole sleep deprivation thing was a PITA! Edan slept from about 11 pm till 2 am and then woke up screaming. She finallly drifted back off at 4:30 and woke me up again a little after 7 am. OY! Well, after she woke me up then, I stayed up, but she fell back asleep on my chest. Another bottle and diaper change later, it was time to get her back to her parents. It was sad leaving her....I felt like she should be coming back home with me! When I got home, I took a nap. I fell asleep with my laptop on my chest, and when I woke up I thought it was Edan. Still half asleep, I started to craddle it and support the laptops "head"! When I finally got the goo out of my eyes, I realized it was not a baby! I was still in mommy mode!!!!

I slept like a baby last night though! I was so tired....I never understood that saying..."Slept like a baby.." Cause, babies dont sleep all that great!

Me holding Edan, she was half asleep after a bottle!
Mini holding her, she was in heaven!

J holding her trying to comfort her, He didnt want his picture taken though!

My mom holding and feeding her!

Speaking of babies.....J and I have twin boys now!! Sweet little 8 week old twin kittens!!! Oh my lord we are in love! My friend is having a baby in September, and she just couldnt give the love and attention to these kittens that they deserve. She loved them so much and took really good care of them, she just has to put baby first. She she made a facebook post one night that she needed a good home for them. I saw this on a night that J and I were pretty emotionally fragile about a tragic even that occurred earlier in the day. So I saw this and slunk upstairs to J's office...

Me: Hiiiiiii babbbbby *smiley's shyly*

J: Hi....What do you want, and how much is it going to cost me? (he knows me so well)

Me: Have I told you lately how much I love and ADORE you? You're so good to me, and I know you would never deny me anything that I love...right?? *bats eyes*

J: HOW MUCH?

Me: I'm glad you asked! Free! *deep breathe* Myfriendsgivingawayherlittlekittenscauseofthebabyandtheyneedagoodhomeandithinkitwouldbereallygoodforusespeciallyrightnowandtheyaresofreakingcuteyouhavenoideaandyousaidyouvebeenwantingakittenreallybadsoyoujusthavetosayyesssssssssss!

J:Yeah, sure!

Me:Really? No fight? Just like that! *starts happy dance*

J: But YOU have to clean the litter box. I'm not dealing with any cat sh!t.

So today we picked up Rocky and Rambo! And they are adjusting happily!

This is Rambo...He's a fiesty little fighter!

And this is Rocky....He's a tough little guy but such a lovey cuddler!

Brotherly love! This belongs on a greeting card!

Aren't they adorable???! I tell ya what's not adorable. My car that I was SOOOOO excited about. It's a POS and I could KILL that sleezy dealership that sold me this lemon!!!!

First of all...the air conditioning does not work. It could just be because it needs some freeon in it. And the e-break is broken and doesn't work. Now, I had a 60 day warranty on it that if I found anything wrong, I could take it in and as long as it was part of state inspection, they would fix it at no charge to me. the air conditioning didn't fall into this category, but the e-break did. But like a dummy, I never took it in. So my warranty is up. It's not a HUGE deal though. Summer is almost over anyway, and the e-break really isnt neccessary. But now, there is a HUGE problem that has arise. The back-up fan in the care will not shut off after I turn off the car. And it drains the battery and makes my car not start, so J pretty much has to jump start me anytime I want to go somewhere. J seems to think it's a problem the computer, but who knows. Today I went to CVS and the fan stayed on and drained my battery. Thank God J was home and just a few minutes away and came and jump started me. I am so ANGRY. I went to this dealership on my own and bought this car. I should have taken J with me like a smart person. The dealership saw a young girl, and jumped on the opportunity to take advantage of me. What sleeze balls. No wonder the car was such a reasonable price! Everything's busted! This fan thing is a huge problem, especially since I'm looking for a job. I can't be like "Oh yeah, sometimes I might be late to work or not come in because my car will die if I shut it off." I should have bought American.

So tomorrow I'm marching into that place and raising hell.....I may be a southern belle now, but piss me off, and you'll meet Ashley from South Philly REAL quick. Us philly girls don't mess around.

Alright, I'm done. Gosh I had a lot to say today. Kudos to you if you made it through this!

Family History

So, my Mother's side of the family has a few ancestors who are pretty well known. One of them is Captain Henry Bingham who fought for the north in the Civil War. (My family may be Yankees, but I'm a southern Belle at heart!).

There is a monument in the Gettysburg Battlefield that was dedicated to my family in August of 1993 by the Masons of Pennsylvania. It's called "Friend to Friend". It's a statue of my ancestor, Captain Bingham, holding General Armistead and retrieving some of his person effects to give to his commander. Apparently, this monument is a BFD. I didn't know that until today when Josh and I went to see the monument. This is how the conversation went while walking to the statue:

Me: Yeah so apparently my ancestor is holding this other soldier while he's dying and being all nice to him even though they fought on different sides.

J: Oh, that sounds cool...Oh, here's the monument..."

*Walks around, looks at, takes some pictures. Walks over to the side where the discription plaque is and begins reading*

2 minutes later....

J: Ash....Ashley!! Do you realize how COOL this is????? This isn't just another SOLDIER he's holding...It's a freaking General!!!! It's General Armistead! And look, it says here that your ancestor went on the being a General and also serves in the House of Reps. for 32 years!!! That is SO AWESOME!"

Me: Oh....I didn't know that...So, thats like...A big deal?

J: YES! It's a big deal!

*other people walk up to monument*

J: Hey! Did you know this is MY girlfriends family's monument?!? Yeah, she's totally related to Captain Bingham!

I'm telling you, J was like a kid on Christmas morning. He's such a history buff, he loves it. So this was just so awesome for him. And honestly, it meant so much to me, and made me feel so proud that he was so excited about my family history.

Now J wants me to look more into it and see what else I can dig up on my family history.

After the monument, we walked around town and into the little shoppes. We got one of those Old Time photos done, it came out good! I look fat, as usual. It was a bad angle. All 10 of my chins are there in all their glory. But J looks amazing, of course.

It was pretty much an amazing day.

On the medical front, Metformin is a total suckfest.

I started it up again last week and the side effects are killing me. Oh, plus, I'm now 9 day late for my monthly friend...And NO I'm not pregnant. I really really PRAY I'm not starting another one of those 3 months with no period cycles. That was terrible. Right now, It's like I want to get my period, but it just wont come. I'm bitchy, and breaking out, and bloated. But no sign of the witch!

So now it's just a waiting game.

Plus side...1 more week until I get little Edan overnight! Today I went out and bought some little Onsies for her....I've pretty much decided I'm adopting her as my own..Well, not really. But I still want to spoil the heck out of her!

And now, for some pics from today!

Answered Prayers

So I have been praying to God recently. Not that I don't do it regularly. I usually pray everynight for the health and well being of all my friends and family. But lately, I've been praying for myself.

I asked god to PLEASE give me the strength, courage, and most of all PATIENCE where the whole baby thing is concerned.

Today my prayers were answered.

Because in 2 weeks, I am going to be a Mom.

No I'm not pregnant nor adopting a child.

Remember little baby Edan who was just born? Well her Mom is going to be celebrating her 21st birthday. And then the day after, her other little girl is turning 1. So she called me today and asked me "Hey...would you feel comfortable taking a newborn baby overnight?" I didn't even have to think about it! YES YES YES YES YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!! I was elated!! She and her fiance are going out for the night, and I'm keeping Edan so that they can have time to set up for the birthday party without any distractions the next day. Then I'll bring Edan over whenever the party starts.

I get to be a mom for 1 whole day. And it's enough for me. Just 1 blissful day of Motherhood is amazing. I told J I hope she screams and cries all night long and keeps me up. I want the full experience while I have the opportunity! Crazy isn't it?

Obviously, I'm super excited. Probably more excited than a person should be when asked to babysit. A million pictures will be taken to remember this moment.

In other news, I have a job interview tomorrow! I'm not really excited about it because the position isn't great. The money is AMAZING. Like, more than I've ever made before. The only trouble is that it's an air purification company, and my job would entail trying to get customers to set up appointments for Reps. to out to their homes and try to get them to buy these systems. Been there, done that. And it's a HARD job. Especially in this economy. The ad in the paper said "No lay-offs" but that doesn't mean anything. That just means they can TERMINATE you if you aren't producing enough appointments. But a job is a job is a job,, right? I have to TRY. I'm tired of feeling like crap because J is carrying the full weight on his shoulders. Bless his heart, he never complains or acts like he's being taken advantage of. He's very old fashioned in the sense that he believes the man is the provider, which is exactly what he has been doing for the last 2 months.

I think tomorrow will go well though. We shall see! But until then, I'm counting down the seconds until sweet little Edan is here and in her portable crib next to my and J's bed! I probably won't be able to sleep at all that night. I'll just want to watch over her, and watch her sleep.

I'm being ridiculous aren't I?

But I'm HAPPY. And that's what counts!

Having a bad night

What should be a completely joyous event in one's life, turns me into a blubbering idiot.

I just can't handle friends having babies.

Acquaintances? Yes.

Distant relatives? Sure.

Complete strangers? No problemo.

But someone close to me? Fuggedaboutit.

I don't know why....I can't explain it. I am so so SO happy for them, and they are ALL wonderful moms. But in hindsight...Going back and thinking about how they are a MOM and have someone who reaches their tiny little hand out for them in seeking guidance and love....It makes me weep. A lot.

I once wrote a myspace blog that pretty much sums up how I feel.....It went a little something like "It's heartbreaking to know that my body is essentially a death trap for a fetus." But, miracles do happen everyday. I think about all my wonderful infertile friends who are now pregnant, and it makes me smile. But at the same time, it makes me sad to know I have such a long way to go before it ever happens for me. It's not jealousy. Just....sadness for myself but at the same time being incredibly happy for all of them.

I love children. From newborn, to 18. I always have. So anytime I DO get to spend around them, especially the itty bitty ones, is a God send. Which I was able to experience today. I got to hold a baby that was just not even 24 hours old. And it made me smile, but broke my heart at the same time. Am I making any sense?

I dont know...Call me crazy, call me impatient, call me psycho baby lady. Maybe I am. But losing a child screws with you...Even if I never did meet him/her. I'll NEVER get over it. Even if I go on to have 10 children. I'll never get over my angel baby. And I know I'm not the only one. Heck, there are people I know who have suffered losses much worse then mine. But it hurts all the same.

In any case...Welcome to the world little Miss. Eden! You are loved more than you'll ever know!

A long, overdue update

Well what a fun week this has been! NOT. For those of you who still actually read this, I'll explain

We returned from our wonderful, relaxing, fun vacation on Monday evening. I'll post pictures at the end of this post. We had an awesome time. J and I went to the beach pretty much everyday, I got a good tan, which is almost impossible for me to do. We roughed it by sleeping in a tent! Believe me, that was tough for me! I'm a hotel kind of gal. But it was just so nice to be in the middle of nowhere, and not have to think about home once. No bills, no dog, no job searching, just togetherness.

It was short lived.

On Monday, we returned to our house about 4 in the afternooon. J had suggested going to dinner and a movie which I was psyched about. I started getting ready and realized that my stomach just didnt feel quite right. Kind of like I had to go to the bathroom, but couldnt. I told J maybe we should just stay in tonight since I wasn't feeling well. J left to go pick up a pizza, and all hell broke loose.

Before I knew it, I was doubled over in agony with the most horrible pain in my side. By the time J got back, he found me on the kitchen floor sobbing. I begged him to take me to the hospital, because I was pretty sure it was a Kidney Stone attack. So he piled me in the truck and we began driving and all of a sudden the pain eased up. J and I decided it wasn't a kidney stone. We came to the conclusion that I was......Constipated......lovely, right?

So I chugged some prune juice, took some exlax, and waited. The pain got worse and better throughout the night. Finally around 4 am I was able to fall asleep. I woke up the next morning, went to the restroom *blush* and I felt fine!

On Tuesday I did a big Costco trip, cooked some delicious Jambalaya....there wasn't a drop left to photograph or I would have made a post about it! And then....BAM! Pain hits like a friggin mack truck. It was BAAAAAD much worse then before. I knew something was wrong, I just knew it. And all the while J kept insisting that I must just still be really backed up. But I knew better. I finally screamed out "PLEASE GOD JUST SOMEONE HELP MEEEEEE!!!!!" J got right on the phone with 911 and an ambulance came and took me.

Long story short...I puked my brains out on the way to the hospital....Finally got some pain meds (Toridal is a GOD SEND) and had a CT scan....Diagnosis?? A 2mm kidney Stone!! BOOOYA!! I told ya'll!!! I think J feels really bad for not believing me at first and making me wait out the whole day before getting help. But I can't blame him. This experience was nothing like my last stone. The Doc said it was already really close to being passed and I should pass it that night or sometime tomorrow? He gave me a nice little RX for Vicodin, and you would think that would be it, right?

WRONG.

All day Wednesday I was fine. I went swimming, went out for ice-cream, had a good day. Thursday morning rolls around and more intense pain wakes me up out of a dead sleep!!! I was miserable. I had barely eaten, but I took 2 Vicodin. It took the pain away within the hour. But then the nausea started. I was super nauseaous and I was dizzy and weak. I went upstairs to lie down and BOOM. I hit the floor. I passed out apparently, J came running upstairs and was able to wake me up but it scared the daylights outta him!

Anyway, long story short. TODAY...SUNDAY is the first day I have not had pain. Today is the first day I have been able to eat anything. Yesterday I spent the whole entire day in pain and throwing up. That beautiful tan I got on vacation? GONE. I'm still really weak, and tired. I'm not 100% back to myself. But I feel much better today. I guess I passed the stone, FINALLY.So, here I am, hoping that this nightmare is over and I can go back to my normal life. My house looks like Sanford and Son because I haven't been able to clean anything, and it's driving me crazy. I can't wait until I have the energy to clean and gut this house! I've been here almost a year and I still don't really have it decorated the way I want it yet. Slowly but surely.

Anyway, here are some pics from the trip!Please excuse my horridness and no makeup here

Our little fire that J made

Me helping with hot dogs on a stick!

FAT

Well, it's 2 in the morning and J is next to me in bed snoring away like a freakin chainsaw. So naturally, I can't sleep. And of course I have a dentist appointment at 8 am.

So, I feel pretty darn gross. Since I've been able to do pretty much nothing but lie in bed, sleep, and eat since my tooth issues have started 3 weeks ago, I have gained 5 lbs....And I'm PISSED.

I'm 5 ft...So 5 lbs might as well be 50. My clothes are getting tighter again, I feel and look bloated, and I'm just not a happy camper.

I just want these issues resolved so I can get back into the gym and start working out again.

Another thing that needs to be over with? Me being unemployed. Im eating more because I'm home and bored all day. There is only so much cleaning I can do! Furthermore, it's become somewhat of an issue for J and I. He is out working his tooshy off for 12 hours out in the hot sun, and I'm stuck inside. So when he gets home, all he wants to do is relax on the couch, and I'm all "Hey lets go to walmart, lets go for a walk, lets go out to dinner!" And then I get dissapointed when he says he's not feeling up to it. I feel bad for him, and he feels bad for me because I'm bored all day.

The silver lining? 4th of July weekend!!! J and I are going away for a long weekend, leaving Thursday night and returning Monday. Were going to these Cabins in a little town in PA about 4 hours away from here! It's going to be a blast! This is going to be my first vacation since I was a little girl!!! I just wish I felt and looked a little better.....

Other silver lining....Didn't I mention that J had said a few months ago he would be taking me away somewhere in June? So of course all of my friends are thinking "This is it! You're coming back an engaged woman Ashley!" While it would be nice, I just don't think so. But it's a nice thought, but not something that is going to be plaguing my mind this entire trip. I'm just not like that. It'll happen when it happens. But Gosh I can't wait to be his wife one day! I just fall in love with him more and more everyday!

So yeah. To sum everything up:
My tooth hurts
I feel fat
I'm going on vacation
And no, I won't be sporting a shiny new ring when I return, so stop asking! Trust me, whenever that happens, you'll know!!!

OOOOH BABY!!!

Just throwing out a HUUUUUGE BIG CONGRATS to my friend Amy (www.ttcbabyblog.blogspot.com) who has been TTC for 2 years now!!! She finally got her positive pregnancy test!!!

Also another HUGENORMOUS congrats to my dear friend Kacie who after 2 years of TTC after giving birth to her Son who sadly had the cord wrapper around his neck and did not survive, has also recieved a beautiful second pink line on a pregnancy test!!!

I love both of these ladies with all my heart and am SOOOOO Thrilled for you!!

Happy and Healthy 9 months Mama's!!!!!!!

Daddy

With Father's Day coming up this weekend, I've been having a particularly hard time this week. It really all started with a dream I had the other day.

I was in my old house, the one I grew up in and the one my dad died in. I was sitting in a chair and my dad was sitting across from me on the sofa. He was alive, happy, and healthy. Just as I remembered him when I was a little girl. He had a camera phone, it actually looked like an iphone. He motioned for me to come over and sit with him. He didn't speak at all. I just sat down close to him, almost snuggling him, and we smiled and took some pictures together. His arms were around me, and I could just....FEEL him in my dream. And that was it. Just a few pictures. But we were so HAPPY. Like old times. And then I woke up.

I wish I could have heard him speak. That is something I miss the most, his voice. It was always so comforting to me. When I was a little girl, and I was sick, I always wanted him. I couldn't care less about my mom, I just wanted my dad.

I miss dancing on his feet, and sharing ice cream after dinner. I miss dunking oreos in milk on the dining room table. I miss playing basketball. I miss climbing on his shoulders and playing "hair dresser". I miss our weekley chats before bed time about how things were made and how a conveyor belt was always involved. I miss the way he used to whistle when walking in the front door. I miss watching him shave. I miss driving in the car, listening to "cool" music that my mom would never let me listen to and he would crank up then volume and jam with me. I miss fishing on "Pride Rock" down at the creek. I miss watching him and mom drink their cocktails everynight. I miss giving them a dance recitial in the living room. I miss Charades night. I miss hearing him curse at the Eagles game and watching hockey with him. I just miss him.

I feel like I was cheated out of so many years. I was 11 when he died, going through my rebellious pre-teen stage. I feel like I should have spent more time with him. I always wanted to be out with friends. I feel like I never appreciated him or showed him how much I loved him. It's always that way isnt it? It is always after the fact that we realize what we had.

I hate that he'll never walk me down the aisle or meet his grandchild. He should be here for all that.

I wish he could be here for his 48th Father's Day.

I'm just so thankful I have my brother and sister back in my life. And my neices. I know this would make my dad so happy. It killed him to see his children torn apart. But it's all in the past. And I love my brother and sister more than they'll ever know. I always have.

And now, a Poem. This is a poem that is going to be read by myself whenever I get married. Instead of doing the Father/Daughter dance Im going to have a little memorial for my dad.

Daddy's Day

Her was in a pony tail

Her favorite dress tied with a bow

Today was Daddy's Day at school

And she couldnt wait to go

But her mommy tried to tell her

Why she probably should stay home

Why the kids might not understand

If she went to school alone

But she was not afraid

She knew just what to say

What to tell her classmates

On why he wasn't there that day

But still her mother worried

For her to face this day alone

And thats why once again

She tried to keep her daughter home

But the little girl went to school

Eager to tell them all

About a dad she never sees

A dad who never calls

There were daddies along the wall in back

For everyone to meet

Children squirming impatiently

Anxious in their seat

One by one the teacher called

A student from the class

To introduce their daddy

As seconds slowly passed

At last the teacher called her name

Every child turned to stare

All of them searching

For a man who wasnt there

"Wheres her daddy at?"

She heard a boy call out

"She probably doesn't have one!"

Another student dared to shout

And from somewhere in the back

She heard a daddy say

"Looks like another deadbeat dad

Too busy to waste his day"

The words did not offend her

As she smiled at her mom

And looked back at the teacher

Who told her to go on

And with her hands behind her back

She slowly began to speak

And out of the mouth of a child

Came words so incredibly unique

"My daddy couldnt be here

Becuase he lives so far away

But I know he wishes he could be

On this special day

And though you cannot meet him

I wanted you to know

All about my daddy

And how he loves me so

He loved to tell me stories

He taught me to ride a bike

He surprised me with pink roses

And taught me to fly a kite

We used to share fudge sundays

And Ice Cream in a cone

And though you cannot see him

Im not standing here alone

Cause my daddys always with me

Even though we are a part

I know because he told me

He'll forever be in my heart"

With that her little hand reached up

And lay across her chest

Feeling her own heartbeat

Beneath her favorite dress

And from somewhere in the crowd of dads

Her mother stood in tears

Proudly watching her daughter

Who was wise beyond her years

For she stood up for the love

Of a man not in her life

Doing was was best for her

Doing what was right

And when she dropped her hand back down

Staring straight into the crowd

She fnished with a voice so soft

But it's message clear and loud

"I love my daddy very much

He's my shining star

And if he could he'd be here

But heaven is just too far

But sometimes when I close my eyes

It's like he never want away"

And then she closed her eyes

And saw him there that day

"I know you're with me Daddy"

To the silence she called out

And what happend next

Made believers of those once filled with doubt

Not one in that room could explain it

For their eyes had been closed

But there on the desk beside her

was a long stemmed fragrant pink orose

And a child was blessed, if only for a moment

Bthe love of her shining bright star

And given the gift of believing

That heaven is never too far.

I love you Daddy