Stuff

So there has been some stuff going on that I'm just not ready to talk about yet. That's why I havent updated. I'll fill you all in eventually, just right now I'm not in the right mindset to do so.

Nothing else is going on. I'm still fat. Haven't been to the gym in forever and a day. Getting ready to throw SO a surprise BD party on the 10th! I'm so excited cause the weather is supposed to be perfect that day! It's going to be in the 70's and sunny! Perfect BBQ weather!

I wanted to have a cake made for him..A really detailed cake like you would see on Ace of Cakes or something. But I got some quotes from like actual bakeries and they all want like 700 bucks and up!! UHHHH Fuck that shit. I love him, but not for 700 bucks for something thats going to get destroyed by his ravenous, cake hungry friends! So I'm thinking about just going to the local grocery store and asking them to just do what I originally wanted sculpted, in icing laying flat on the cake....Would grocery stores be willing to draw a bottle of Kentucky Gentlemen on a cake??

So that's all there is folks! I'll let you know how the party goes =)

ETA: Just checked the weather...It now says it's going to be 59 and raining all day on the 10th....Just another shitty thing to happen!!!

And Then There was None

It's all gone. Out of nowhere. My horrible jealousy is gone! I have no idea why I don't feel like this anymore. Maybe I'm finally learning patience!

It's such a wonderful feeling to be able to talk to my friend about how happy and excited I am for her now that her baby girl is here. And I actually mean it! I am not feigning happiness for her, I'm truly happy! I'm at peace with it.

God does answer prayers....

"Plant a seed and see what comes out of the ground. Find the heartbeat on a baby's ultrasound......There is a God, how much proof do you need?"

Been a While

Well I haven't updated in a week or so. I think the last time I left you, I was getting over the whole friend having a baby thing. I'm still in about the same place. It's not making my cry my eyes out like it was, but I still feel that twinge of jealousy.

In other news, I ran into an old friend who is pregnant with her 3rd child. Don't even get me started on this...Oy. Her 2 kids (boy, 2, girl, 8 months) are the most precious things I have ever seen! I want to be around babies and kids so much that I actually offered to babysit for her ANYTIME she needs me to, free of charge! I'm hoping she calls me soon!

I did get a baby fix the other day though. SO and I went to his 7 year old cousins birthday party. And there, was a beautiful 13 month old little girl. I mean, she was breathtaking! And I cried. I cried not because I was sad. And I didn't burst into tears in front of everyone either. I went into the restroom and just cried a little. I cried because as soon as that little girl saw me, She reached for me and wanted me to hold her. She has never seen me before in her life. I held her for practically the whole party. This touched me in such a way, I can't even begin to explain. It was almost like a sign from God...Like saying "Ashley, you ARE meant to be a mother. And you will be one day." A feeling of comfort washed over me. And that's why I cried. Because I know deep down, one day I WILL have a baby of my own. And nevermind the fact that SO got a hold of her too. Seeing that big man (6'2" 230 lbs) holding this tiny little thing, with a huge grin on his face and a strange sparkle in his eye was just so endearing. He's going to be a great dad one day.

Meanwhile...Healthcare Reform. How bout it? I'm personally disgusted and canno't believe something like this has come to pass. But such is politics. Let the chips fall where they may!

I'm Okay.

I have not cried today! That's a step in the right direction at least!

Thinking back on it, I guess it's pretty ridiculous of me to be so jealous over this. It's not like it's NEVER going to happen for me. Just not right now. I'm a very impatient person. I want things done yesterday. I need to work on that. Same thing with the weight loss...I've sort of his a plateu where I'm not losing anymore weight, so I'm getting frustrated and not going to the gym as much and starting to eat more again. This must stop or else I'll be HUUUUGE again!

I went and saw the movie Remember Me last night! AMAZING AMAZING AMAZING! Words can't describe this movie. Just breathtaking. I got a little uncomfrotable though...During the previews there was one for a new Jennifer Lopez movie about a woman running out of time to get pregnant so she tries everything to get pregnant, and it works. The movie basically follows her pregnancy and her relationship with a new guy...How similar is that to me? My eyes welled up with tears but I held it together and was able to enjoy my night out.


So here is to better days ahead! Patience Ashley....Patience patience patience.

So I thought.

Around 3:20 this morning I got the text....A picture of my friends brand new baby girl. I curled up in SO's arms (Who was completely oblivious to this because he was passed out snoring away) and cried for about 20 minutes. I AM so happy for her and love her to death, but at the same time this cold sting of jealousy won't go away.

Lord give me strength to get through this...

Bad Night.

Got a message about an hour or so ago....That friend I was talking about who was being induced? "She is now fully dilated and ready to push!" So this means, assuming all went well, she is probably holding her brand new baby girl in her arms as I type this. Me. The girl with PCOS. The girl who is not pregnant. The girl with no baby.

And it's not fair. The sobs are uncontrollable now....I hope I don't wake SO up. It's been on my mind all night. So much so that I could not sleep. Well, the RLS (Restless Leg Syndrome) was keeping me up to but I've come to learn how to ignore that pretty easily.

I love my friend dearly, and if she ever reads this I hope she doesn't think ill of me. I am so happy for her and I know she's going to be a great mom! I just can't stop this feeling.

And I want to know why?

Am I not good enough to be a Mother in God's eyes? Is that why? Does he think I am not fit to be a mother? Is this my punishment for having sinned? I sound like a horrible person. I talk like I'm the only one who is going through this. I know I'm not. But I *feel* so alone. I feel empty. It brings me right back to that hospital room when I was looking at that ultrasound screen and all I could see was an empty Uterus. Nothing to suggest that just weeks prior I was holding that positive pregnancy test in my hand. Just empty.

I am empty. And I don't think I'll ever experience what my friend is experiencing right now.

A Few Rants

Nothing terribly eventful is going on in my life right now.


I'm taking Soy Isoflavones right now. I decided to do this in hopes that maybe this will jump start a normal ovulation pattern for me. That way, whenever I do TTC, maybe I'll have an actual shot of getting pregnant. I *think* they may be working. I took them CD 5-9 and I have been feeling little twinges of pain where my ovaries are. I have never felt this before, so who knows! I may just be crazy. But I hear good things about these soy pills. I'm taking the minimum dosgae right now, 80 mg. Just seeing what it does. Although, without temping I'll really have no way of telling if I did actually O. So I'm just going to try the Soy for a few cycles and then start temping again to see if I am Oing.



In other news, I have been a lazy SOB. I haven't been to the gym in like a week ewwwww. It's been raining here and I just haven't felt like walking outside after I get home from work. I'm getting back on track tonight though! I need to lose more weight if I ever want to beat PCOS!



I have a friend who is being induced tomorrow. She's having a little girl!


In the last 2 months, I have heard of 17 different pregnancy announcements. 17!!! That's an insane amount! And it's all people I graduated with too. I just can't seem to wrap my head around that one. It's so tough for me right now. I feel like a terrible person because I just want to live my life and be happy with the man I love without putting a lot of pressure on him.


Okay, I think I'm done ranting now. Ahhhhh it feels good to get it out somewhere.

Things that make me smile

My dad passed away almost 10 years ago. And no, this is not one of the things that make me smile, you sicko. I was 11 years old. He had been fighting a long battle with lung and throat cancer. He had 2/3rds of his tongue cut out, and a traech put in his throat. He could not swallow, could not eat, could not speak. He had to be fed through a tube in his stomach. He used to torture himself by watching the cooking channel all day long. Finally, my mother and I felt so bad for him, we would go to McDonalds and get a Big Mac, throw it in the blender and let him smell it before we would put it in the tube.

Now, I have a half brother and sister. My dad was a lot older than my mom...21 years actually. My dad had kids from a previous marriage. I always had my brother in my life. We had such an awesome relationship. But I didn't even know I had a sister until I was 7 years old. After that though, we also had a great relationship. She was my "Sissy".

There was always a lot of tension between my siblings and my mother. I guess they always felt that she was trying to take their mothers place. (My dads first wife had passed away). When my dad died...It all went to hell in a handbasket. Fights broke out all over the place between my mom and my siblings. And eventually, they stopped calling. They stopped emailing me. They stopped coming for visits. I no longer had a brother and sister.

I was bitter for a while. I thought it was something I had done. I always said "I don't care! I never want them in my life again!" But really, it made me so sad. I had 2 nieces and a nephew from my brother. And I adored them! But I would never see them again. I would never see how they grew up or the people they turned into. My 2 nieces were only 2 and 4 the last time I saw them.

Now, here is the part that makes me smile....

Facebook is a magical place. About 6 months ago, just on a whim, I decided to look up my Nephew (he was the oldest and my age so I could only assume he would have a facebook). Sure enough, there he was. He and I were never that close, so I didn't try to contact him or anything. Just wanted to see how he was. But then I took a look at his friends...And on there was my youngest niece! AHHH! She's so big! She's not in diapers anymore! She's 12!!!!!!! I just couldn't not say anything. So I sent her a friend request. I wrote her a little message that said "You probably won't remember me, but I'm your Aunt. I'm your dads little sister!". I was so overjoyed when she accepted my friend request and IM'd me that night!

We talked for a while. I asked if she remembered me at all, and surprisingly, she said she did a little. I didn't get into most of the stuff as to why I hadn't been in her life all these years...shes a little too young for that. I found out a lot about her. She is so much like me. Very into singing and acting and horseback riding. That made me smile to hear that. It touched me.

And now we have a great relationship. She wants to come visit me, we text a lot, its great. But that's not all...

Not only did I find her on there...I found my brother. We have been speaking too. And the icing on this delicious cake? I found my sister! She was a tough one to find. I knew absolutely nothing about her except her first name and her married name. And of course, the last name that we shared. I plugged her name into google and it came up with a high school reunion page. It had her listed there with a last name that I had never heard. I knew it had to be here based on the school and year of graduation. So I plugged the new name into facebook and BAM! There she was...Picture and all to confirm it. I lost it...the tears started.

I sent her a message and asked if she remembered me at all. I saw that she only had like 5 friends on there so I got a little discouraged thinking she probably never gets on and would never see my message. But the next morning, I had a message from her. It was the most beautiful thing I have ever read.

She said how she was so glad I found her. How she had been following me throughout the years via myspace and facebook. She never contacted me because she thought I hated her. And she wanted it to be *MY* choice for us to have a relationship again. She said how she always loved me and how she wanted us to be sisters again.

That makes me smile. A big ol' grin from ear to ear. All these years, I thought she didn't care. I thought she just chose not to be in my life. And here, all this time, she cared enough about me to keep an eye on me and make sure I was okay. I found out I have a 7 year old niece....And the weird part? If you remember me saying earlier, I was 7 years old when I found out I had a sister. And my little Niece is now 7 and just found out she has an Aunt.

These are the things that make me smile. Things have been going to shit with my Mom's side of the family. Those people could care less about anyone but themselves. I was starting to feel like I had no real family. But then my brother and sister and nieces walked back into my life, and I feel like I do have a family again.

It makes me smile. And Daddy....I know you're smiling too....Your family is back together and we love you.

I Ate an Icecream Sandwhich for Breakfast

So? What of it? It's all I'll get to eat for the day too =( Boooooooo. I forgot to grab something to eat on the way out the door this morning. So here I am, stuck at the office till 6:30 and I don't even have enough money on me to run across the street to the Mcdonalds and grab a double cheeseburger....Oh wait...Maybe I do?? NO! Bad Ashley. No cheeseburgers! *sigh* Why did I have to get fat?

I went to the gym last night. I did 15 minutes on the bike, 5 minutes on the elipical (God I HATE that thing...So much.) And 10 minutes on the treadmill at an 11% incline. People always look at me like I'm crazy when I tell them how much of an incline I put it on. But I love it. It's actually easier for me to do it on an incline rather then when I'm flat.

OH! Happy day! I went to Wally world last night because I needed some new black slacks for work. This time last year I was in a 18/20 size pant. Last night I comfortably slipped into a 14! woot woot!

I found an old picture of me from when I was my heaviest (225 lbs) it was taken around this time last year. So I thought it would be fun (or highly embarrasing) to post the picture of me then, and a picture I just took a few days ago! I'm warning you though....The first pic....It ain't pretty. It's downright gruesome. It should be the poster for the next horror film...Here it is.

Yep...That's 225 lbs of pure fatass. I look miserable. I look like I'm about to pop.

But here I am now about 25 lbs lighter...Still fat...Just not quite as big....

I know I have a looooong way to go but looking at these pictures make me feel better. Gives me inspiration! So here's to another dayof kicking PCOS' ass!!!

PCOS Is Me.

Normally, you wouldn't see a title like this. Normally, you would see the typical determined "PCOS is NOT me". But for me, right now, I feel like it is me. I feel defined by my disease. I feel beaten down, disheartened, downright hopeless. The Drs. say "You'll never get pregnant with this PCOS. If you do, you won't carry to term." Well in your face Docta!!! I DID get pregnant.....but allow me to humble myself because no, I did not carry to term. I only made it to 5 weeks before the cramping and bleeding started. And there, on that ultrasound screen in the Drs office, was....nothing. Nothing but an empty uterus. Blighted Ovum they say. An egg attached, but nothing ever grew.

That was last February. A year has come and gone in the blink of an eye and so much happened between then and now. My fiance (Now Ex) and I tried for 6 months after that to get pregnant, with no success. We tried temping, Vitex, Birth Control, Robitussin, Green tea, every pill under the sun. We even did the whole "We'll stop trying and whatever happens, happens" thing. Nothing. I guess it was a blessing in disguise because in August of 2009 we split up for personal reasons.

So I did what any respectable girl would do.....I packed my shit and moved back home to Maryland. The place I had been so longing to come back to. Once here, I was able to buy my first home, land a great job, and without even meaning to, meet a wonderful man...All within 2 months of being back!

Fast forward to today. As I am sitting here writing this, said man is at our home taking care of our puppy and *hopefully* doing the dishes in the sink. (Hey, he's off work all winter, the least he can do is the dishes!). As much as I love this new relationship I'm in (Were going on 6 months now) a part of me wishes I could fast foward through the first year or 2 and get us to that point where were ready to settle down and get married, and most importantly, start a family. Me? I would marry the man tomorrow if he asked me. I would have married him a month after we started dating! Not just because I relish the idea of marriage. But because I've never felt a love like this. I've never felt like this period. As Fran Drescher would put it, he gives me that "Utz" in the pit of my stomach.

So what this blog boils down to...I think, is that one day in the not so distant future, he is going to want to start a family. And damnit...I'm not going to let my body destroy the dreams of not only myself, but him as well. I want to get to that point where I can scream "PCOS IS NOT ME!!!!!!" I'm going to do everything in my power to beat this disease...Without the help of medications. I'm going to lose weight, feel good, and start my life...Even if it kills me.