FAT

Well, it's 2 in the morning and J is next to me in bed snoring away like a freakin chainsaw. So naturally, I can't sleep. And of course I have a dentist appointment at 8 am.

So, I feel pretty darn gross. Since I've been able to do pretty much nothing but lie in bed, sleep, and eat since my tooth issues have started 3 weeks ago, I have gained 5 lbs....And I'm PISSED.

I'm 5 ft...So 5 lbs might as well be 50. My clothes are getting tighter again, I feel and look bloated, and I'm just not a happy camper.

I just want these issues resolved so I can get back into the gym and start working out again.

Another thing that needs to be over with? Me being unemployed. Im eating more because I'm home and bored all day. There is only so much cleaning I can do! Furthermore, it's become somewhat of an issue for J and I. He is out working his tooshy off for 12 hours out in the hot sun, and I'm stuck inside. So when he gets home, all he wants to do is relax on the couch, and I'm all "Hey lets go to walmart, lets go for a walk, lets go out to dinner!" And then I get dissapointed when he says he's not feeling up to it. I feel bad for him, and he feels bad for me because I'm bored all day.

The silver lining? 4th of July weekend!!! J and I are going away for a long weekend, leaving Thursday night and returning Monday. Were going to these Cabins in a little town in PA about 4 hours away from here! It's going to be a blast! This is going to be my first vacation since I was a little girl!!! I just wish I felt and looked a little better.....

Other silver lining....Didn't I mention that J had said a few months ago he would be taking me away somewhere in June? So of course all of my friends are thinking "This is it! You're coming back an engaged woman Ashley!" While it would be nice, I just don't think so. But it's a nice thought, but not something that is going to be plaguing my mind this entire trip. I'm just not like that. It'll happen when it happens. But Gosh I can't wait to be his wife one day! I just fall in love with him more and more everyday!

So yeah. To sum everything up:
My tooth hurts
I feel fat
I'm going on vacation
And no, I won't be sporting a shiny new ring when I return, so stop asking! Trust me, whenever that happens, you'll know!!!

OOOOH BABY!!!

Just throwing out a HUUUUUGE BIG CONGRATS to my friend Amy (www.ttcbabyblog.blogspot.com) who has been TTC for 2 years now!!! She finally got her positive pregnancy test!!!

Also another HUGENORMOUS congrats to my dear friend Kacie who after 2 years of TTC after giving birth to her Son who sadly had the cord wrapper around his neck and did not survive, has also recieved a beautiful second pink line on a pregnancy test!!!

I love both of these ladies with all my heart and am SOOOOO Thrilled for you!!

Happy and Healthy 9 months Mama's!!!!!!!

Daddy

With Father's Day coming up this weekend, I've been having a particularly hard time this week. It really all started with a dream I had the other day.

I was in my old house, the one I grew up in and the one my dad died in. I was sitting in a chair and my dad was sitting across from me on the sofa. He was alive, happy, and healthy. Just as I remembered him when I was a little girl. He had a camera phone, it actually looked like an iphone. He motioned for me to come over and sit with him. He didn't speak at all. I just sat down close to him, almost snuggling him, and we smiled and took some pictures together. His arms were around me, and I could just....FEEL him in my dream. And that was it. Just a few pictures. But we were so HAPPY. Like old times. And then I woke up.

I wish I could have heard him speak. That is something I miss the most, his voice. It was always so comforting to me. When I was a little girl, and I was sick, I always wanted him. I couldn't care less about my mom, I just wanted my dad.

I miss dancing on his feet, and sharing ice cream after dinner. I miss dunking oreos in milk on the dining room table. I miss playing basketball. I miss climbing on his shoulders and playing "hair dresser". I miss our weekley chats before bed time about how things were made and how a conveyor belt was always involved. I miss the way he used to whistle when walking in the front door. I miss watching him shave. I miss driving in the car, listening to "cool" music that my mom would never let me listen to and he would crank up then volume and jam with me. I miss fishing on "Pride Rock" down at the creek. I miss watching him and mom drink their cocktails everynight. I miss giving them a dance recitial in the living room. I miss Charades night. I miss hearing him curse at the Eagles game and watching hockey with him. I just miss him.

I feel like I was cheated out of so many years. I was 11 when he died, going through my rebellious pre-teen stage. I feel like I should have spent more time with him. I always wanted to be out with friends. I feel like I never appreciated him or showed him how much I loved him. It's always that way isnt it? It is always after the fact that we realize what we had.

I hate that he'll never walk me down the aisle or meet his grandchild. He should be here for all that.

I wish he could be here for his 48th Father's Day.

I'm just so thankful I have my brother and sister back in my life. And my neices. I know this would make my dad so happy. It killed him to see his children torn apart. But it's all in the past. And I love my brother and sister more than they'll ever know. I always have.

And now, a Poem. This is a poem that is going to be read by myself whenever I get married. Instead of doing the Father/Daughter dance Im going to have a little memorial for my dad.

Daddy's Day

Her was in a pony tail

Her favorite dress tied with a bow

Today was Daddy's Day at school

And she couldnt wait to go

But her mommy tried to tell her

Why she probably should stay home

Why the kids might not understand

If she went to school alone

But she was not afraid

She knew just what to say

What to tell her classmates

On why he wasn't there that day

But still her mother worried

For her to face this day alone

And thats why once again

She tried to keep her daughter home

But the little girl went to school

Eager to tell them all

About a dad she never sees

A dad who never calls

There were daddies along the wall in back

For everyone to meet

Children squirming impatiently

Anxious in their seat

One by one the teacher called

A student from the class

To introduce their daddy

As seconds slowly passed

At last the teacher called her name

Every child turned to stare

All of them searching

For a man who wasnt there

"Wheres her daddy at?"

She heard a boy call out

"She probably doesn't have one!"

Another student dared to shout

And from somewhere in the back

She heard a daddy say

"Looks like another deadbeat dad

Too busy to waste his day"

The words did not offend her

As she smiled at her mom

And looked back at the teacher

Who told her to go on

And with her hands behind her back

She slowly began to speak

And out of the mouth of a child

Came words so incredibly unique

"My daddy couldnt be here

Becuase he lives so far away

But I know he wishes he could be

On this special day

And though you cannot meet him

I wanted you to know

All about my daddy

And how he loves me so

He loved to tell me stories

He taught me to ride a bike

He surprised me with pink roses

And taught me to fly a kite

We used to share fudge sundays

And Ice Cream in a cone

And though you cannot see him

Im not standing here alone

Cause my daddys always with me

Even though we are a part

I know because he told me

He'll forever be in my heart"

With that her little hand reached up

And lay across her chest

Feeling her own heartbeat

Beneath her favorite dress

And from somewhere in the crowd of dads

Her mother stood in tears

Proudly watching her daughter

Who was wise beyond her years

For she stood up for the love

Of a man not in her life

Doing was was best for her

Doing what was right

And when she dropped her hand back down

Staring straight into the crowd

She fnished with a voice so soft

But it's message clear and loud

"I love my daddy very much

He's my shining star

And if he could he'd be here

But heaven is just too far

But sometimes when I close my eyes

It's like he never want away"

And then she closed her eyes

And saw him there that day

"I know you're with me Daddy"

To the silence she called out

And what happend next

Made believers of those once filled with doubt

Not one in that room could explain it

For their eyes had been closed

But there on the desk beside her

was a long stemmed fragrant pink orose

And a child was blessed, if only for a moment

Bthe love of her shining bright star

And given the gift of believing

That heaven is never too far.

I love you Daddy

Ummmm

I literally have nothing to say. Not much has been going on around these parts. I'm so tired of being out of work. It's only been a little less than a month and I am so ready to go back. I've decided not to wait around for this place to have business pick up and wait for them to call me back. I've applied with several other companies, one in particular is very promising. But I'm not saying anything because I don't want to jinx it.

I don't like being in this positon. All those years I spent with my ex, on his ass because I was paying all the bills and he was not working. Now I'm the one who's home all day and J goes to work and works his tushy off! I feel like such a hipocrite. But J assures me he doesn't feel used or taken advantage of. He sees how hard I am trying to find other work. And he says he likes coming home to me and a clean house and dinner waiting for him on the table. I'm not going to lie...it's nice to do that. It's nice to be able to do that for him. But I don't like spending his money.

In other news....My tooth is giving me so much trouble. I'm in constant pain now. Before, it was mainly just at night time it would act up. I would take a few aleve and within 30 minutes the pain was gone. Now it's ALL DAY everyday. Aleve isn't working, Tylenol isn't working...Vicodin words sort of, but it only lasts for a few hours. Last night (or this morning rather) I didn't go to sleep until 6:30 AM because of the pain. I had to go out around 4 am to the local 24 hour store to buy some Ambesol (Which J accidently threw out today). Im just a mess. It is to the point now where I HAVE to do something about it. I can't live like this anymore, I need a dentist like..Yesterday. I'm just going to have to borrow money from my Mom, which believe me, I HATE doing. I don't like taking money from anyone. But I just can't take the pain anymore. It's like a kidney stone in my mouth.

OH! My Uncle from Arizona is in town! I haven't seen him for 6 years! It's so nice having him around, he's such an awesome guy. He and J get along really well too...They are both Rednecks! One day this week, were going to our family's monument at the Gettysburg Battlefield. It's the "Friend to a Friend" monument. Our ancestor, Captain Bingham, was fighting for the Yankees....His best friend was a Confederate. He saw his friend get shot down, and went to his aid and put his own life at risk. A very moving monument. J is very into the Civil War and I really would love him to see this and be a part of it. J is so smart and educated when it comes to history. I always said he should be a history teacher!

I have some new pictures to put up when I find the time. Some very sweet ones of J and I!!

Where has the time gone?!

I feel like I haven't posted in forever! Probably because I haven't.....



So much has happened in the last week and a half I don't know where to begin. I guess I'll start with Chris.



He came home from USMC boot camp on Saturday the 29th. J and I were so excited to see him! We made signs to hang off the deck and above the front door, we BBQ'd and had chips and dip and cake and potato salad...the works! And all Chris kept saying was he couldnt wait to come home and have a beer, so we went out and got a lot of that. But when Chris got here....it was very strange. He was so quiet and reserved. He hardly spoke. What happened to our Christopheee??? A couple other of Chris's friends came over...And eventually all of them left our house to go do their own thing...With Chris. J and I stood in the middle of our house like WTF?!? What just happened here? Did we seriously put all this time and energy into throwing this welcome home shin-dig for him, and he just bailed on us?? J was so hurt....He was almost in tears. This was his BEST FRIEND. And he had completely changed.



The next day, there was a big party at Chris's parents house. Again there was TONS of food, more than we had put out. J and I werent sure if we wanted to go because we were so ticked at him for what he had pulled the night before. Besides, the people that he ditched us with were going to be there and we didn't particularly want to see them either. But we decided to go. We didnt plan on staying long...But plans change right?! After a few hours....a few helpings of food, and a few drinks, J and I started to see the old Chris coming out. Chris Recruiter was there as well. And he told us not to worry, most everyone comes home from boot camp a little different, and he would snap out of things soon enough. Well he sure did. By nightfall, Chris was back to the guy we know and love, and J and Chris were connected at the hip...Inseperable!



The next morning, J, Chris, Amanda (Chris's girlfriend and also my best friend) and I went out to breakfast and a movie. While there, Chris kept complaning of his left hand really hurting. We looked at it and HOLY HELL it was swollen! We thought he might have broken something. He ignored it like the big tough Marine he is, and we went out to have a fun filled day with a movie, snake hunting, a trip to "High Rock" which is the highest point in our little town, and BEAUTIFUL. And then we went to Red Lobster with a couple other friends.



A few days went by and next thing you know, Im getting a call from Amanda saying that Chris is in the hospital and might need surgery on his hand! WHAT?!?



Well. that was last week. Today Chris is STILL in the hospital with a diagnosis of Cellulitis. A nasty infection under the skin. He most definitely got it from boot camp and the open blisters on his hand. They had thought he was getting better, and almost got to come home last night, but the Dr made a last minute decison to keep him more and they are going to do the surgery this afternoon.



So, today, in my 3rd week of Housewife-dom....I'll run some errands for J, pick up a little and then head on down to my 2nd home (The hospital) for chris's surgery. I wish J could be there...I know he wants to...but work is calling!



That's pretty much it for now...If you're still reading this, Congrats! It was a long one!

Prayers

Well, I have much to update about Chris' homecoming, but don't much feel like writing right now.

I'm asking for prayers for J and his family. They are going through a pretty rough time right now. I've never seen J so upset in my life and I don't know how to help him or if I can say anything to make it better. I just hope he (and his family) knows how much I love him and I will ALWAYS be there for him.