Not too much to say

I'm trying to stay on top of this blog....Can't believe I've been doing this for almost a year now! This will officially be the longest I have ever kept a blog/diary in my whole life!

It is almost 5 am on Sunday morning, J is sleeping like a little baby....Me? I fell asleep super early and woke up around 3 am and haven't been able to get back to sleep.

Let's see...what's been going on?

J and I just got over a nasty stomach bug....Blech. It started lasted Sunday. Saturday night J and I indulged (overindulged) in a little something called Jagermeister. Naturally we woke up Sunday morning feeling not so hot, but that passed. We went out to lunch at our favorite local Italian place. I got my stromboli, J got his pizza sub. About an hour after returning, J started saying he really didn't feel well. He actually took a 2 hour nap. J NEVER naps during the day. He can't. So I knew something wasn't right. He started feeling worse and worse, poor guy. I went out and got him some gatorade and gave him an anti-nausea pill. He napped some more. Finally about 6 o'clock he went outside for some fresh air. 5 minutes later, I poked my head out the door to see if he was alright...Boy do I have impeccable timing. I peeked out just in time to see the contents of his stomach spilling out over the deck. EWWWWW!

Grossest.thing.ever. Not even kidding. I HATE puke. I actually suffer from something called Emetophobia. It's the fear of vomiting (If you laugh or make fun I'll stick a fork in your eye.) It's actually the fifth most common phobia in the world. I used to have it very bad. If I felt sick to my stomach I would have panic attacks and cry and feel like I couldnt breathe. Ever since my kidney stone (and my introduction to the world of alcohol) I really don't freak out over myself being sick anymore. However, I still have SERIOUS issues with other people getting sick. But this was J.....My strong and tough guy! I hated seeing him like that. So I sucked it up and went outside and rubbed his back and cleaned him up. Poor guy was so sick the rest of the night, he couldn't even stand up from being so weak.

Monday morning I woke up feeling ICKY. And I mean icky. Like the way J had first felt. I went into work though, and was promptly sent home by my boss. I knew it was going to happen. He is one of the rare employers that actually CARES about an employees health and also understand the concept of that if you come to work sick, it will spread like wildfire throughout the office, thus causing half the staff to be out. So home I went. J was already feeling much better by the time I got home. I slept, puked, and slept. And it was over by Tuesday morning.

So that is pretty much it for what has been going on. It was a crazy week at work, but I love it. It's nice to be busy all day long and feel like I am accomplishing something and am worth what I am being paid.

Oh, Friday night J and I went to a little after party for my cousin who just got married at the courthouse yesterday. He and his new wife just found out they are expecting in July! At first, it was hard news to hear. But as J reminded me...A new baby to love on and play with! J and I both had to laugh though. My cousin was introducing us to his friend and he says "And this is my cousin Ashley and her...soon to be....or wait? Husband? You guys are married now right?!" I just said "From your lips to God's ears Stephen!" Do we really act like that old fuddy duddy married couple already?! I think half my family is under the impression that were engaged. When J gave me my pre-engagment ring, and we showed it to my Grandmother, she got this huge smile on her face, hugged Josh and told him "Welcome to the family!" She then proceeded to tell everyone we were engaged. Oy. That was embarrassing to explain.

Someday someday someday.

Coming Clean

So there has been a particular event in my life that I have kept under wraps for the last few months. J and I didn't feel like we wanted to share it with anyone at the time. Lately he and I have been thinking about it a lot, and when I think about things, I tend to dwell on them. And writing helps me get rid of that feeling of wanting to dwell so, here I am.

Back in the first week of August, J and I found out we were pregnant. And just as quickly as we found out, it was over.

Basically what happened was we went on vacation in July, had a blast! The day we returned, I had that AWFUL kidney stone attack. My first kidney stone I passed in 24 hours of the attack. No problems. This one, however, took me over 2 weeks to pass. I couldn't stop throwing up, I was passing out...Constantly peeing but never passing the stone. Finally it ended and I started feeling like myself again, but never felt quite right.

A week or so later, I went to my OBGYN to have some testing done and some bloodwork drawn to keep an eye on my blood levels. 6 months prior, I had the blood test done for ovarian cancer and my bloodwork came back suspicious. So I was having it rechecked. While I was having that done I mentioned to my Dr. that I hadn't had a period in a while. I told him about my kidney stone experience and how I just didn't feel right. He decided to do a blood test to check for pregnancy. The lab was right in the office so about 30 minutes later, He came back in and said "I have good news! You're bloodwork came back normal. We don't have any reason to suspect that you have cancer!" As if that wasn't news enough...."Oh...And, you're pregnant!" I was shocked. SHOCKED. Thrilled, and shocked. I had a stupid grin on my face. I cried, clutched my belly and silently thanked God for this unexpected, but wonderful miracle. It hadn't been something J and I were planning on this soon, but a baby is a miracle. period.

I've had previous miscarriages so I am and always will be considered high risk. So he wanted to do an ultrasound right then and there. I changed into a gown and had a trans-vaginal ultrasound since I wasn't very far along. I was shaking with anticipation, anxious to get home and tell J.

I could see the little bean on the screen in plain sight. GAHHHH!! OMG it was true! There was a baby inside of me! She moved it around a little, begining to look a little concerned. He couldn't find a heartbeat. It was still early though, and it's common to not always hear it in early stages. But then the devstating news came...."Ashley....based on your last period you are 6 weeks and 5 days. However, the fetus (I hate that he used that word) is only measuring 4 weeks and 2 days. I'm afraid there is no sign of progress for this pregnancy. You've had a miscarriage."

My whole world began and ended in 5 minutes time. For 5 minutes, I was a mother. No...I take that back. I still consider myself a mother to my angel babies.

I have changed drs since this experience. As I was walking out of the room, he asked me if I wanted a picture of the ultrasound.....I just stared at him. He could tell I was offended and quickly said "Some people like them to use for memorials..." I just shoook my head, paid for my visit and got into my car. I sobbed the whole way home. Like ugly snot dripping out of my nose, drooling everywhere kind of sobbing. I went to Popeye's to pick up lunch for J and I, as promised, and headed home. When I got there, J was all excited for his food. But he saw the look on my face. His immediate thought was that I had cancer. Afterall, that is what the visit was supposed to be about.

I told him everything. And he held me and we sobbed together. I had never seen him like that before. I didn't like it. the rest of the night was pretty much a blurr. But I will tell you...It was nice having support this time. When I was with my ex, and had my miscarriage...I was at work, in the office by myself. In the bathroom. I miscarried that baby in the bathroom of a dirty office, with my ex on the phone going "Can you stop screaming so loud? I'm trying to watch the cutscene of the game!" No joke.

I went in the next morning for a D&C. They did another ultrasound just to make sure. I didn't even look at the screen because I knew already. I didn't want to see that again.

J and I shed many many tears for the next few weeks. But it got easier. Until now. For almost a year, I've been blogging about my life and my thoughts, and my struggles as a miscarriage survivor. Those of you who have been through it know how difficult it can be learning of new pregnancies...even if you are genuinley happy for them. 2 people in my family just found out they are pregnant. And while I am SO happy for them..like ridiculously happy....it's hard for me to think "Wow...I would be almost 5 months pregnant right now."

But I just keep repeating my mantra "someday someday someday". 'Honestly, a baby right now would of course, be a blessing, but not something J and I are really ready for. Were both getting settled in our careers and working on our life. I'd like to do things the old fashioned way "first comes love then comes marriage, then the baby in the carriage". I wish God had blessed me with more pacience.

Well, this turned out to be a long one. But there was a lot to tell. Im sure I missed something, but I'll spare you the details.

Crazy Busy!

Things have been pretty busy around here....And I love it!

I love my job so much. It's completely beyond anything I could have ever imagined. I didn't realize how much responsibility was going to fall on my shoulders. I thought I was just going to be a simple clerical worker....I had no clue I would be running an entire office!!!!


This job was such a blessing...a blessing that I thought wasn't going to happen.

on Sunday the 24th I had seen an ad in the local paper, advertising for an "open house" for people to come apply for this administrative position at a local cleaning company. So the next morning, I gathered up my resume, put on my office attire, and on I went! Basically I just filled out an application and then met with the owner for a little while. I really liked him and got a good vibe. He told me that he would be calling people for second interviews that night.

fast foward to about 9 pm....No phonecall...I was sitting there stuffing my face thinking "Guess another one with a degree got it......" I was in the middle of singing to a karaoke song (I sing when I get stressed..It calms me down) when the phone rings! Thinking it's my mother calling at such a hour I answered, thinking nothing of it. It was the owner asking me to come in for a second interview! Whew. what a relief. At that point I was feeling pretty confidant that I would get the job. I've never had a second interview and not gotten the job.

I went in the next day for my second interview...It went great just like the first and again I got a really good vibe. The owner then said I would hear from them tonight definitely if I got the job. If I didn't hear from them, it meant they went with someone else.

7 pm:
Okay...they didnt call me till 9 last night so maybe thats when they will call tonight....

9 pm:
Annnnnny minute now my phone will be ringing......yep. Any minute.....

10:30 pm:
They wouldn't call this late......maybe? no....

Midnight:
Uncontrollable sobbing commenced. I was SURE I had the job. What was I going to do?? My unemployment was going to run out in 2 weeks and then I would have zero income.....why me?!?!?!?!

10:00 am
*RING RING RING RING* "Hi Ashley? This is Mr. Boss from blankity blank....I'm SO sorry I didn't get back to you last night...My son needed X-rays and then we found out my Wife's Grandmother passed away....It's been a pretty crazy few hours. Anyway, I was calling because I would love for you to come work with us!!!!"

GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

I started the next day and I have been LOVING it ever since.

I am like a totally different person now. I am happy all the time, I feel better about myself, I'm a pleasent person to be around!

It was a close call....but someone up there was really looking out for me....And I think I know who......

Thanks daddy!