Drowning

I'm just going to type. And type and type and type. I don't give a fuck who reads it. I don't give a fuck who thinks I'm being a whiny drama queen. I don't care if you think I'm the most unstable, selfish, horrible person in the world. I just don't give any fucks at all.

It's been almost a month since J called off the wedding and left me and moved 45 minutes away to a different state. Partly because of his own stupid fuck ups that he has refused to change over the last 4 years and have only gotten worse, and partly because of MY stupid fucks ups that haven't changed and have only gotten worse.

And then came the "I love you. I miss you. I know this can work. We just need to start over and take things slow" texts. And the "Of course! Counseling is a great idea!" texts. And the "Will you be my girl again?" text a la the way he asked me out 4 years ago. And for a bright, shining moment. I thought we would make it.

I interviewed for an awesome job. Was told the position was mine. Then the excuses started to come. "Oh well...We need to get the new database up and running so it'll be a few weeks. Oh well...The girl you will be replacing is staying a little longer to help with the database." "Oh...So sorry. She's decided to stay."

Luckily, another job fell right into my lap, and was even more perfect then the one that screwed me over. It's been secured. I am elated. But is he? Nope. Because apparently "I never finish anything I start..." Yeah....Because I had total control over what that other place did. Nothing...and I mean NOTHING I did/do has ever been good enough.

People who were once my best friends now don't even acknowledge me. Because this whole thing is all my fault. At least that's what they've been told to believe.

And now here I am.....replaying the phone conversation in my head.... "It's not going to work. I don't even care. I'm hanging up. *click*"

AND I CAN'T FUCKING BREATHE.

I know people who have had spouses die. Who have lost children and babies. Who have terminal illnesses. And right now...All I can think about is the pain I'm feeling. And I am wondering is this what it feels like to go through what those people are going through? Because if it is, please someone just put a bullet in me now.

I care about nothing. Everything seems absolutely pointless. Sleeping is pointless, waking up is pointless, watching my daughter play and laugh and grow is pointless. And I hate it. I should be shot for feeling this way. A mother is supposed to put her child's needs before her own. And I can't. I just can't. This pain is all consuming.

I had something I loved so much. SO MUCH. I can't tell you people enough how much I loved this man. Just go back and read all the fucking blog posts over the last 4 years. That wouldn't even cover a fraction of it. And it was ripped away from me. Then it was given back. And then ripped away from me again.

I'm drowning in my own tears.God help me. I don't know what the hell to do.

Warning: This will probably be deleted later. I just needed to get this out because I am so fucking sick of pretending that I am strong and I can do the single mom thing. Because I can't right now.

"Well look who's here...."

Gotta love Bette Middler in Beaches. One of my favorite movies. It is the movie my dad took my mom to see on their first date. And the song Wind Beneath my Wings is a very special song that my dad and I shared. Gosh, I miss him....

Anyway.... You have every right to say that line in the snarky attitude that Bette gives. I haven't posted in over 3 months! Holy cow! So much has been going on, and to be honest.....I kinda lost interest because we were going through a pretty rough patch and needed some time away to evaluate the situation.

So I am a SAHM again! Unfortunately I lost my job for an absolutely ridiculous reason that was totally their fault. But I took the blame and sheepishly signed my termination paper without a fight. I was so embarrassed and so afraid to go home and tell Josh. But once he heard the reason he totally understood that it was their fault and unfortunately, I was their scapegoat. A part of me was so happy though. It was SO SO busy at work (which plays a big part in why I was let go), and I was working mostly nights (like from 1-9) that by the time I got home, Mackenzie was already sound asleep. I barely got to spend any time with her. I mean...She would get up between 8-9 am. Eat breakfast, watch some DisneyJ.R., or some Hub, play around for a little while. By 11:30-noon she was asking for a nap. And then I had to drop her off by 12:45 at the babysitter. So essentially, I was only getting 3.5-4 hours a day with her. I missed her so much, I would be at work and my heart would just hurt.

So I've been enjoying staying at home with her. But I have always been the type of person that would love to stay at home with my kids forever, but then I would feel extremely guilty about not contributing financially to the household. And using someone else money and credit cards to buy the things we need. So I finally bit the bullet and did what I've been wanting to do for years. I registered for classes at a CC for my CNA. From there, I will enter into the Pre-nursing program and pursue my RN! I really hope to be a Labor and Delivery Nurse one day. I just remember how amazing mine were when I was in labor with Kenzie. And it really inspired me. I wanted to help people like they helped me. So I did it and I start the end of August!

However...I'm also scheduled to have back surgery sometime in August. I don't know the exact date yet, but it is happening. *Sigh*. I have 3 herniated discs now. I did the Physical Therapy....Didn't work.Then I did the spinal injections, and that just made everything 10 times worse! So my Pain Management doctor said I definitely needed surgery and referred me to the surgeon. I see her on the 7th to find out when I'll be having surgery. So this does complicate things a bit. But I will work it out.

Wedding plans are coming together. I have a nice big list of all the things we still have to do. We still need to apply for out marriage license...AHHH! Exactly 14 more weeks! Gee...Deja vu? It's like I'm counting down the weeks until Mackenzie is born all over again.

Speaking of my precious little Flower Girl....She is AMAZING. She talks all the time. I mean...She never stops. She just goes into her own little world and jibber-jabbers about anything and everything. She can say so many words I can't even begin to list all of them. And I mean....Big words...Like "television:'. She is great with words....But we have been working on phrases and forming sentences. So far, she has said "Bless your heart!" HAHAHA. Gotta love a southern belle in training! She also says "night night, daddy! Love you!" when she is going to bed. I casn't think of anything else at the moment. I'm sure she says a lot more but it escapes me. She is actually quite thin and short, which surprises me. Because I'm fat and short, and her dad is "beefy" and tall. Hmmm...I guess we'll just have to wait and see!

So much more has been going on but it's 6:30 and I need to go back to sleep for a little while! I woke up at 3 am and couldn't fall back asleep.

Keep readin'! I promise there is more to come!

Oh! And follow me on Instagram.....I'm kinda into that now!

http://instagram.com/xokenziesmamaxo

Where does the time go?

Spring has sprung!! Although, it still feels like winter here. Mother Nature can't seem to make up her mind. I think we are done with the cold weather though. the forecast for the next few weeks is in the mid 60's. Works for me!

I hope everyone who celebrates had a wonderful Easter! It was so much fun this year. Last year Mackenzie was only 6 months old and just kind of laid there like a bump on a log. This year though, she ate glorious food, went on an Easter egg hunt, blew bubbles, and went around the room just charming the pants off everyone in the family. She is exactly like I was when I was a little girl. I was practically raised in restaurants and bars (the nice up-scale bars, not the cheesy hole-in-the-wall ones). I used to just wonder up to people, climb on their lap, and ask them to tell me a story.

J was actually able to join us this year too! Last year he was working. But since he got a new job, he has so much more time off to spend with us. He absolutely loves his new job. I never thought he was going to give up the landscaping because he loved that too. And he was damn good at it. I guess he just got really tired of the crazy hours. He took a slight paycut, but it's really so worth it to have a happy husband (almost)! He'll be getting a decent raise in a couple months anyway, so really it evens out.

Mackenzie is just a ball right now. I swear, her vocabulary grows by leaps and bounds every day. I can't tell you all the words she can say now because there are just too many. She continues to shock me. I had a doctors appointment today, and in the car I said "Mommy has to go to the doctor to get a check up!" and she looked and me and then kept saying "doctor! Doctor!" I couldn't believe it. It was clear as day. She is beginning to put two word scentences together now. If she wants to be picked up she'll say "Up, please." We have been really big on teaching her please and thank you. Also, God bless you is another we have been teaching her. You can never have too many manners!

We finally got rid of the B-O-T-T-L-E. Oh my God, was it a challenge. You'd think the world was coming to an end. Sometimes I would cave and eventually give it to her, but that little sneak J went and threw all the bottles in the garbage! At first, I was getting really concerned because she REFUSED to drink milk from her sippy cup. Juice and water were fine, but no milk. She was hardly taking any in. Of course, we upped her other sources of calcium to make up for it, but still....She is finally starting to get used to having milk in her sippy instead of the bottle. She's still not where I would like her to be, but I'll take it!

Speaking of doctors...I finally am getting all my medical crapola straightened out. When my insurance changed, I had to change doctors because my PCP didn't take my new insurance. I was really bummed because I LOVED my doctor. She didn't make me feel ashamed or like I was a criminal or junkie for needing pain medication to help control my severe sciatica. She actually offered me something stronger and I refused it. I can only take 1 kind of pain medication- Hydrocodone. Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING else makes me ill. I also like taking it because I've taken it so often for different medical issues over the years,that I no longer get that loopy feeling. It still does it's job beautifully. But I don't feel like I just took 5 shots of tequila when I take  it. And that is why I will not try anything else. I don't want that feeling. I can't be "high", for lack of a better word, when I work and have a child to take care of.

Anywho- Saw my new doctor today. Got my AD's changed, and I finally got my order for an MRI to see whether or not I do indeed have a slipped disc in my back. He also ordered me a back brace he wants me to wear at work. That should help a ton. He wrote me a script for the pain medication too, but I'm trying to hold off on that to see if the back brace helps any. We shall see!

There are only 6 months left until the wedding!!! YIKES!! Of course now, there is a bunch of drama surrounding that, that I won't even get in to. Whatever happens, happens. I don't even care. All I care about is at the end of the day, I am his wife, and he is my husband.

That's all for now. I suppose I'll be back in another 2 months to update again!

I'm not dead.

Good gracious, it's been a long time since I update this thing! Is anyone even still out there?

So much to update on, where do I begin?!

I guess I will start with the shining beacon of light in my life: Mackenzie. She will be 17 months old on the 24th! AHHHHHH!!!!! That's 7 months away from 2, people! I've already started planning her 2nd birthday party. We are doing a Princess theme, but not the cheesy bright pinks and yellow and Disney kind of princess. Very Shabby Chic. Pale pinks, golds, and creams. My Pinterest board is chock full of fun ideas!

She had her 15 month check up yesterday. We are a couple months behind because there was a screw up with our insurance which made us a little delayed. It was funny....They gave me this little questionnaire to fill out at her appointment. It was a bunch of milestone questions. What I failed to realize is that they gave me the 18 month form instead of the 15 month. The doctor started to say "Oh, this won't be correct since she's only- Oh...She's already hit these milestones? Oh, well she is way ahead of the curve!" But I'm not bragging or anything. ;)

She is 28 lbs, and 31 inches. That's 82nd percentile for weight and 38th percentile for height. So looks like right now she is going to be short and chubby like her Mama! We get that from my Dad's side of the family. He was a pretty average height and weight for a man, but his sister was short and chubby. 

She is walking/running/jumping like a champ. She has a ton of words. The only thing she doesn't really do yet is start putting a sentence together. The most she says are 2 word phrases like "thank you" and "love you", and even they aren't very clear. You can tell that is what she is trying to say though.

Some of her words are: Mama, Dada, baba, dog-dog, Cash (the dogs actual name), kitty, please, thank you, love you, bunny, Manda (for Aunt Amanda), yellow, blue, red, Nana, GG (great-grandma), hi, bye, bear, book.

She LOVES imitating noises! If you ask her what the lion says, she will growl. If you ask her what the duck says, she will quack. She does it with dog, cat, horse, cow, and pig too. So cute!

She knows all of her body parts. And as if time wasn't going by fast enough, she is showing signs of being ready for potty training. She will say "pee-pee" and then hold her private area. AHHHH! I am not ready for this!

When I had my early gender ultrasound at 16 weeks, she was showing off her acrobatic skills by putting her legs over her head. I said she was either going to be a gymnast or a cheerleader. That has clearly transferred over from the womb, because the chickidee LOVES to dance and do crazy stunts! Future Olympic Gold Medalist? I think so!

Wedding planning. I have done nothing. Literally nothing. And I only have 8 months left. I don't even want to talk about it, because I want to throw up just thinking about all the things I have to do. J and I have both been working SO much, there is just no time to do anything. So I'll just leave it at this: At this point, I would be thrilled with just going to the courthouse and getting married. I love J. We have a family. I couldn't ask for anything more. I don't care about a wedding and the dress and flowers and the whole thing. J, however, is the one who wants the wedding. Honestly, I think he just knows me well enough to know that 10 years from now I would look back and wish we had done a wedding.

J and I have been dealing with some pretty stressful issues lately. Not with each other! They actually have made our relationship so much more solid. I couldn't ask for a better husband, really. He is truly my soulmate and always there for me to back me up when I need him. And even if I don't say a word...We have this connection where he instantly knows when something is wrong, and he takes care of it without even so much as mentioning it to me. I just want the issues to end. It's a very unfortunate situation that involves people I care for very deeply. *edited because I went into a little more detail than I felt comfortable with, and decided it just wasn't the time or place to vent. Lord only knows who's reading this.*

Anyway, I think I've covered pretty much everything! Hopefully it's not another 2 months before I update again. I need to upload recent pictures of Mackenzie...Stay tuned!

Better days ahead...I hope

2012 kind of sucked the big one.

Aside from getting engaged and watching my beautiful daughter grow up, it was full of crappy moments, even right down to the last second.

First of all, my Uncle passed away 2 days after Christmas. I knew it was coming, honestly. He was so sick. I just didn't think it would happen this soon. He went into the hospital the day after Christmas with Pneumonia and with all of his medical issues, his body just shut down. It didn't take long and he was in no pain.

I got to ring in the new year by myself, sick as a dog with the flu. YAY! J was already in bed thanks to this lovely winter job.

Work has been extremely stressful to say the least. We are so busy, so understaffed, and SO underpaid. But eh, it's where I need to be right now if I want to achieve my goals.

Right when I started to feel better, Mackenzie came down with an upper respiratory infection and ear infection. She was so sick, poor thing. But the doc fixed her up with some Amoxicillin and she was feeling so much better after a couple doses. It is amazing to me how Josh didn't catch anything that was floating around here. I did Lysol the shit out of everything though.

She has some new words! She says "baba" for bottle. She calls the dog "dog-dog". I guess she is in the say-everything-twice stage right now. She also says "love you"! So cute. If you ask her "what does the doggy say?" She'll go "woof woof!" And she will meow when you ask her the same about a kitty. She knows all of her basic body parts- nose, eyes, ears, mouth, fingers, feet and belly. She will even point to her heart!

I am amazed every single day at how much she grows overnight. Where did my itty-bitty go? I just love her so much, it almost hurts.

And with that sentiment, I feel I should address something. I have kept up with the blog now for almost 3 years. It has been a wonderful outlet for me. Even when I was a kid, I could never keep up with a diary, so it surprises me that I have kept current with this. I don't know who reads it. I don't really care. It's been such a helpful way for me to vent when I have personal problems.

There are some people out there, who think I am a less than stellar mother. I will not name names. They know who they are. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, of course. But I am so God damn tired of having to live up to other people's standard of what they think I should be.

You may be an anal retentive, OCD control freak (am I channeling RENT?) Great. I'm not.
You have your certain way of doing things. Awesome. So do I.
You may have a perfect grasp on balancing housework, work work, and family. Nice. I'm a little over a year into it. I'll get there.

But before you decide to go spouting off about my parenting skills, perhaps you will remember to get ALL the facts, lest you end up with egg on your face and walking away with your tail tucked between your legs.

That feels better. Moving on, people. Nothin' to see here!