I'm just going to type. And type and type and type. I don't give a fuck who reads it. I don't give a fuck who thinks I'm being a whiny drama queen. I don't care if you think I'm the most unstable, selfish, horrible person in the world. I just don't give any fucks at all.
It's been almost a month since J called off the wedding and left me and moved 45 minutes away to a different state. Partly because of his own stupid fuck ups that he has refused to change over the last 4 years and have only gotten worse, and partly because of MY stupid fucks ups that haven't changed and have only gotten worse.
And then came the "I love you. I miss you. I know this can work. We just need to start over and take things slow" texts. And the "Of course! Counseling is a great idea!" texts. And the "Will you be my girl again?" text a la the way he asked me out 4 years ago. And for a bright, shining moment. I thought we would make it.
I interviewed for an awesome job. Was told the position was mine. Then the excuses started to come. "Oh well...We need to get the new database up and running so it'll be a few weeks. Oh well...The girl you will be replacing is staying a little longer to help with the database." "Oh...So sorry. She's decided to stay."
Luckily, another job fell right into my lap, and was even more perfect then the one that screwed me over. It's been secured. I am elated. But is he? Nope. Because apparently "I never finish anything I start..." Yeah....Because I had total control over what that other place did. Nothing...and I mean NOTHING I did/do has ever been good enough.
People who were once my best friends now don't even acknowledge me. Because this whole thing is all my fault. At least that's what they've been told to believe.
And now here I am.....replaying the phone conversation in my head.... "It's not going to work. I don't even care. I'm hanging up. *click*"
AND I CAN'T FUCKING BREATHE.
I know people who have had spouses die. Who have lost children and babies. Who have terminal illnesses. And right now...All I can think about is the pain I'm feeling. And I am wondering is this what it feels like to go through what those people are going through? Because if it is, please someone just put a bullet in me now.
I care about nothing. Everything seems absolutely pointless. Sleeping is pointless, waking up is pointless, watching my daughter play and laugh and grow is pointless. And I hate it. I should be shot for feeling this way. A mother is supposed to put her child's needs before her own. And I can't. I just can't. This pain is all consuming.
I had something I loved so much. SO MUCH. I can't tell you people enough how much I loved this man. Just go back and read all the fucking blog posts over the last 4 years. That wouldn't even cover a fraction of it. And it was ripped away from me. Then it was given back. And then ripped away from me again.
I'm drowning in my own tears.God help me. I don't know what the hell to do.
Warning: This will probably be deleted later. I just needed to get this out because I am so fucking sick of pretending that I am strong and I can do the single mom thing. Because I can't right now.
~ Merry Christmas To You & Your Family ~
3 years ago