*crawls out from under her rock and looks around*
What year is it?
So the last time I updated this thing, I was in a very very dark place in my life. Good lord, I was a mess. I don't even want to think about everything that happened back then. You know....People think they know how they will handle a situation when it comes up. I always pictured myself as being the breezy "I'll show you how better off I am without you" type of single woman. But I was completely lost. I was so sad for my daughter and so sad for myself. I knew Kenzie would be okay through it all, as she was still seeing J regularly and was a very happy little girl. But me? I was really sinking fast.
People- If you take nothing else away from this blog, take this. If you ever go through something like this, or something that totally devastates you, NEVER EVER let ANYONE make you feel like you're a bad person for being sad. Or for being worried about yourself. I had a lot of people tell me I was a "shitty mom" for saying I was more worried about myself than my daughter. And the reason I felt that way, was because as I stated above, a good bit of normalcy was maintained for her sake. I did my best to put on a happy face for her, and she saw J often. She was surrounded by so much love and affection, she was probably sick of it. But if you don't allow yourself to be selfish, and to take care of yourself, there is NO way you will be able to be a good parent. The first rule in life is to take care of YOURSELF.
There have been a lot of changes since the end of September. All of them good changes, I am happy to report. J moved back home right before Thanksgiving. He moved home on the condition that we would go to counseling. And I truly believe this is what really saved our relationship.
During our time apart, he came to a realization about himself and some issues he was having. And he took amazing steps to get them under control. I could not be more proud of him for the strength and courage it took.
I also changed quite a bit. I learned to be more independent. I realized I could make it on my own if I ever needed to. I really started focusing on my education and career and I went back to school. I'm excited to say that I will be graduating in May! Yippee!!
Our relationship is, surprisingly, the best it has ever been probably since we first started dating. And I attribute much of that to fixing our issues during our separation, and also the counseling. We have learned how to communicate much more effectively now. We have let go of the past, and all the resentment that came with it. It was a fresh start. Like falling in love all over again.
We have talked about our future off and on since he came home. About what him moving back in means. Does it mean we are starting from scratch? Do we pick up where we left off? Ultimately we decided to play it by ear, continue with the counseling, and see if we were just in a "honeymoon period" for the first few weeks of him being home, or if we really have changed. Proud to say we definitely have changed.
Along with that, the subject of marriage has come up off and on. After everything that happened, would people even take our relationship seriously anymore? I know if I were an outsider looking in, I would probably side-eye the hell out of someone jumping into marriage right away. So imagine my absolute SHOCK, when J asked me to marry him a few days ago. Yep. You read that right. The dude who called off our wedding 30 days before the big day, asked me to marry him again 3 months of moving back in.
My heart was screaming "YES YES YES YES YES!!!!" And that is what I really wanted to say. Even throughout our separation, I always knew I loved him. I always knew we would eventually find our way back to each other. It was just one of those gut feelings. A woman's intuition, if you will. And I never gave up on that hope. But I said no. My mind was telling me "people are going to think you are NUTS. Not enough time has passed. You're rushing it."
J understood. But we continued talking about it. My biggest fear, was that he was feeling pressured into this. We had just attended the wedding of a friend and he could see it was kind of painful for me. It was for him as well. A million people around us were getting engaged and I had been a little mopey about it. Not because I wanted him to ask me or anything. But...I mean- we were supposed to be husband and wife right now. And it does sting. So all I kept thinking was that he was doing this to make me feel better. And we will go through this whole song and dance again, and he will call it off a month before...AGAIN. He understood why I would feel this way. But he reassured me that this was 100% his choice. He had been thinking about it basically since he moved home. He said it didn't matter to him if 100 years go by. There would never be someone else who he could be in love with. What does it matter that it didn't pan out the first time? Shit happens. He wasn't ready then. He went about it all the wrong way, but IMO, it was better than us going through with it, then having to go through a divorce process. But he is ready now. Screw what people think. It doesn't matter, as long as we are happy, healthy, and together with our daughter. He wouldn't be doing this, after everything that has happened, if he wasn't 10000% ready to be a husband. These are all his words, by the way.
So....I said yes. I SAID YES! And we will do it September 6, 2014. Almost 6 months from now. Nothing fancy. We have come to realize who our true friends are, and who the people who really love us are, during this whole ordeal. And those will be the people who will be there. The people we couldn't imagine having this moment without. Probably about 15-20 people MAX. No bridal party, no big fancy venue. Just a beautifully landscaped backyard, good food and drinks, good music, greats company, and lots of love!
So there you have it, folks. Judge away! But guess what? It doesn't matter. Because we are happy, and we are a family who is stronger than ever before.
~ Merry Christmas To You & Your Family ~
3 years ago