Sunday, December 23, 2012

From our family, to yours.

I am so thankful to be able to spend Christmas with all of my friends and family who I love. I was having a bit of trouble getting into the Christmas spirit this year, simply because of the Sandy Hook tragedy.

And then someone sent me this poem. I was at work when I read it, and I sat there on my lunch break and cried and sobbed. It's sad to think about those children, but something about this poem was just so comforting. Knowing that they are really celebrating the best Christmas EVER.

Twas' 11 days before Christmas, around 9:38
when 20 beautiful children stormed through heaven's gate.
their smiles were contagious, their laughter filled the air.
they could hardly believe all the beauty they saw there.
they were filled with such joy, they didn't know what to say.
they remembered nothing of what had happened earlier that day.
"where are we?" asked a little girl, as quiet as a mouse.
"this is heaven." declared a small boy. "we're spending Christmas at God's house."
when what to their wondering eyes did appear,
but Jesus, their savior, the children gathered near.
He looked at them and smiled, and they smiled just the same.
then He opened His arms and He called them by name.
and in that moment was joy, that only heaven can bring
those children all flew into the arms of their King
and as they lingered in the warmth of His embrace,
one small girl turned and looked at Jesus' face.
and as if He could read all the questions she had
He gently whispered to her, "I'll take care of mom and dad."
then He looked down on earth, the world far below
He saw all of the hurt, the sorrow, and woe
then He closed His eyes and He outstretched His hand,
"Let My power and presence re-enter this land!"
"may this country be delivered from the hands of fools"
"I'm taking back my nation. I'm taking back my schools!"
then He and the children stood up without a sound.
"come now my children, let me show you around."
excitement filled the space, some skipped and some ran.
all displaying enthusiasm that only a small child can.
and i heard Him proclaim as He walked out of sight,
"in the midst of this darkness, I AM STILL THE LIGHT."

Written by Cameo Smith, Mt. Wolf, PA

I look at my daughter, who has a cold right now and has been such a trooper, and I cry because of how lucky I am. I never thought I would have her. And yet, she is upstairs asleep in her bed right now. How lucky am I?

I know too many people who are struggling with infertility right now. My heart breaks for them. I was there at one time not too long ago. When J and I first met, he said he didn't want kids. My heart was in my throat when I heard him say that because having kids was something I really looked forward to. As our relationship went on, I had resigned myself to the fact that I would not ever be a mother. I loved this man, and I couldn't make him do something he didn't want to do. I loved him so much, that I was willing to keep up my dream. And then one magical January weekend in Philadelphia, a moment changed our lives forever. I asked J the other night if he liked be a dad. His response? "I feel like it was what I was put here on earth to do. I love it more than I ever thought I could." And you can tell, just by watching him with Mackenzie. He is the most wonderful father. I'm not going to lie, it's something I worried about when I was pregnant. We were both young, him being only 19 when we found out I was pregnant. We were still into the partying every weekend lifestyle. I felt SO guilty that I was taking that away from him. I thought he was going to resent me for it. But we have learned to balance family and fun very well.

Just because we have a child, doesn't mean we can't have fun. More planning goes into a "party weekend", but it's not so different. The kiddo goes to bed, and we have some friends over for drinks and board games! And the wonderful part is, our friends have been SO GREAT. We are the first of our group to have kids, but everyone is SO family oriented. They don't mind that we can't just up and go out to dinner on a whim. They don't mind that we can't have music blaring until the wee hours of the morning. We are truly blessed with some great people tonight.

This blog is kind of all over the place, isn't it? I haven't really blogged in a while and I suppose all my thoughts are just spilling out.

I have lots of pictures to put in here, so I guess I will wrap this up!

"And I heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sigh: Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"

Saturday, December 15, 2012

No words.

You all know.....Nothing even needs to be said.

20 babies. 20 precious little angels. Gone. For no reason.

I can't....I really just can't.

I will leave you with 2 thoughts......

And my personal favorite:

"The only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun, is a good guy with a gun."
                                                                                -Wayne LaPierre

Monday, December 10, 2012

It's the most wonderful time of the year!

I can't believe it's already Christmas again! This time last year, Mackenzie was only 3 months old. She was so tiny. The extent of her skills were smiling, laughing, and explosive poops.

Now she is walking, talking, singing....She is a little person now!

We are keeping it pretty low key for Christmas this year. I have been working like crazy, J has picked up a job for the off season...The schedule is GREAT. The only sucky part is that he will have to work Christmas day. BOOOO! He's only going to be there until March, and the pay is a lot more than he'd be getting with the seasonal worker unemployment, so we are happy!

We took Mackenzie to see Santa a few weeks ago! It is AMAZING to look at her picture from last year, and the one this year. She is so beautiful. I have been so blessed with an amazing little girl!

Our tree is pathetic this year. When we did our spring cleaning last year, J accidentally threw out a couple pieces to our tree. We didn't want to spend the money on a new one this year, because we are saving up to get a new car come February, so I just went to the dollar store and picked up a dinky little 25 dollar tree. Our house isn't huge, so it's actually a much better fit then the old tree. I would love to have a real tree, like I always did growing up. But J and I learned very quickly our first Christmas together, that it wasn't possible. We had picked out a tree, and stuffed it into the back of my little Volkswagon Beatle. All of a sudden, J broke out head to toe in hives, and his throat started to close up! Of course, he was allergic to the Christmas tree, as he is to most trees. Gee, he's in the right profession, isn't he? A professional landscaper who is allergic to grass and trees!

Wedding plans are.....Well...They're going. Somewhat. I have been SO bad about planning. Work has been SO busy and I am beat by the time I get home. I work most weekends so it's hard to get things done. I used my last 2 days off to finally pin down the caterer, get a quote for a DJ, sign the contract with the photographer, and make an appointment with a florist. On top of that, I've been studying and taking training seminars for my certification for work. I take my state boards in January! WOOT!

That's about all to report for now! I leave you with some pictures!

 Mackenzie last year, and Mackenzie this year! What a difference!!!
Our sad, sad little tree.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Happy Thanksgiving!

From our family, to yours! I hope everyone enjoys their day with their loved ones!

Sorry I have been scarce...I'm back to work full time and also training/studying for my pharmacy boards to become nationally certified. I'll do an update on the job soon!

Wedding planning will be another update. Until then, just enjoy the holiday and remember to give thanks!

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

God bless the USA

Cause we are surely going to need it!!!

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Why so silent?

Another wonderful song from another wonderful (and longest running since CATS closed) broadway show, Phantom of the Opera!

So, people. Why so silent? 42 followers, and a good bit of hits everyday, and no comments! Come on, people! Get involved!

No, no. I'm not an attention whore...I swear! =) I know you have thoughts, so share away!!!

Friday, October 12, 2012

Save the Date!

It's the middle of October, and wedding plans are in full swing!!

We have gotten some big things out of the way.

We set a date! October 26, 2013. I always dreamed of a fall wedding, especially around here with the GORGEOUS mountains we have. 

We booked the venue for the ceremony and reception
It's an old 18th century barn that they turned into a ballroom. It's even prettier in person if you can believe it! It's located on an 167 acre farm and has numerous historic buildings we can utilize for the wedding! My favorite part? The bridal suite is WAY up high, actually right from where this picture was taken from. They have an old train the runs throughout the entire top of the barn, and the groom will usually put a little note on it and they will stop the train in front of the window to the bridal suite. It's cute little touches like that, that really make the day!

We booked our photographer! We have used her before, when we had some pictures done while I was pregnant. She does amazing work and we are so excited she is able to capture our special day! she will also be doing our engagement pictures the first week of November.

Our Save-The-Dates are all addressed and ready to go out! I was so excited when they arrived. It made it all feel very real.

I have been waiting for this moment for so long, and it's actually happening.  I don't think I have ever delved too deep into my prior relationship on this blog....But it is true I was engaged once before. Between the ages of 16-19. I was RIDICULOUS. My poor Mom. She was so gracious, and tried to be happy for me. I know inside she was screaming at me. But she needed for me to make my own decisions, and realize for myself how wrong it was. We were going to get married on April 18, 2008. We even went as far as booking a gorgeous mansion in the area, making plans, etc...Then one day something hit me. And I told him I thought we should postpone it. We continued our relationship, I moved to Florida and then on April 19th 2008, his step-dad, who I was very close to, passed away at the tender age of 40. I remember thinking...."Holy crap. If we had decided to get married yesterday, this would have been all we would be able to associate our marriage with. The death of someone we loved so much." It just reaffirmed my belief that I had made the right decision in calling it off. Throughout the rest of our relationship, we entertained the idea of getting married. Even considered going to the courthouse.We tried having a baby together after suffering a miscarriage from a surprise pregnancy (stupid decision # 2. I was so very blinded by him). We tried for 5 months and could never get pregnant again. There was always *something* that stopped me from committing fully to our relationship. And I truly believe it was God telling me "No, Ashley. Wait. You have a man in Maryland waiting for you who is going to give you a beautiful daughter, and a life you truly deserve." I thank Him everyday for helping me to be strong and for His guidance.

Okay, enough sap! I am a giddy, excited, blushing bride! I need to get a wedding binder. As it stands now, all our wedding plans/paperwork are cluttering up our kitchen table. I can't wait to blog all about the journey of wedding planning! So we will start with this:

Sunday, September 23, 2012

September 24th, Eastern Standard time....

I can't believe a year went by so fast.

Ahhhh, RENT. You always have a quote that fits so perfectly!

In about 6 more hours, Mackenzie Paige will officially be 1 year old. My baby isn't a baby anymore!! We had her birthday party yesterday, and it was AMAZING. Our closest friends and family were there (minus a couple, sadly) and it was such a beautiful turnout. A friend of mine is a budding photographer and we had her come in and shoot the whole thing. We got some WONDERFUL shots!! I will get the full shoot back tomorrow, but I do have a couple of teaser photos for you! Another friend of mine does cakes, and made perfect cake! Yummy too!

I can't believe how much my little girl has grown. You don't really see it as it's happening before you. But when I go back and look at her pictures from last year, and yesterday, the difference is astounding.

From a little redhead, to a beautiful blonde! She never really had that "newborn" look though. She never looked like a scrawny little wrinkly thing. But her eyes are the most gorgeous shade of blue, and her skin is so delicate. I could stare at her all day!

I have been so blessed this past year. I treasure every moment, even the not-so-great ones. She has her days when she tests me, and pushes my buttons, and by the end of the day I want to "send her back" (not really, it's a joke my dad used to make about me when I was a baby!). But She has truly changed me as a person. She's made me a better person. And she will always be loved.

Happy birthday my little Philadelphia Miracle!!

I"'ll love you forever, I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be."

Sunday, September 16, 2012

It happened.

For the last 3 years, it's something I have written about a lot. Something that I have been impatiently waiting for since I knew that J was the love of my life. And tonight, it finally happened.

WE ARE ENGAGED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Not only was today my birthday, but J asked me to be his wife!!

We were getting ready to leave for dinner. I was holding Mackenzie in my arms and asked Josh to get her diaper bag which was in front of me. He knelt down on one knee, which I thought odd, and never stood back up. Instead, he grabbed my hand and held it and said:

"Ashley, I was going to wait to do this at dinner, but I couldn't think of a more perfect pace then in our home where we first met and you holding our beautiful daughter. We have so many memories here, and I can't wait to make even more. Will you marry me?"

Then he pulled out the ring, and the tears started flowing. I couldn't freaking believe it. When he first started, I thought he was joking. I was going to KILL him. But no. This was real. It was really happening. It was like a dream. And it was completely NOT how I imagined it. It was so much better.

I am still reeling over it. We celebrated tonight with all of our friends and family. This has been such a perfect day.

The only day that could be more perfect will be on October 26th 2013, when I officially become his wife. Let the wedding planning commence!!!

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Tag! You're it!

So I tag all of my lovely followers, if you keep a blog, for the "I love your blog" tag!

Onto the questions!

I Love Your Blog Rules:
1. Pass this award on to everyone
2. Answer the following questions using only one word. One word? Yeah right!

A:1. Where is your cell phone? In my purse
2. Where is your significant other? Fast asleep in our bed
3. Your hair color? Dirty blonde
4. Your mother? Amazing <3 span="span">
6. Your favorite thing? Money! HA!
7. Your dream last night? Weird. Involving a drunken J vomiting all over the place. Yuck.
8. Your dream/goal? Get back into the field I went to school for.
9. The room you're in. Dining room
10. Your hobby? Blogging & singing
11. Your fear? Losing J or our daughter, vomit, failure.
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Married, another child (boy, hopefully!) working in a Drs. office or hospital, and in our house on our 3 acre lot!
13. Where were you last night? Home
14. What you're not? Perfect. I do the best I can, and be the best person I can be. I speak from the heart, I love with everything in me. But I make mistakes.
15. One of your wish-list items? All the fall decor I can get my hands on!
16. Where you grew up? Philadelphia <3>

17. The last thing you did? Take a sip of my Diet Coke
18. What are you wearing? Pink and white polka-dot nightie.
19. Your TV? 52 inch Mitsubishi....I didn't even know they made TV's!
20. Your pet? Our 7 month old shepard/lab, Cash. And our twin boy tabby cats Rocky & Rambo
21. Your computer? A complete POS I got after my GOOD laptop was ruined beyond repair. But it'll do!
22. Your mood? Chilled out, excited and impatient!
23. Missing someone?  Always.
24. Your car? Don't have one =( Hopefully I will soon though!  
25. Something you're not wearing? Shoes
26. Favorite store? Yankee Candle, and any store where I can get home decor/holiday decor.
27. Your summer? This summer was weird. I am glad it's over.
28. Love someone? Beyond what words can express.
29. Your favorite color? PINK!!
30. When is the last time you laughed? About 20 minutes ago while watching a Jenna Marbles video.
31. Last time you cried? A few days ago.
32. Are you a bitch? I don't try to be, but sometimes I am.
33. Favorite Position? Administrative! HA! Too personal to answer the *real* question!
34. Favorite Past Time? Singing
35. Are you a hater or a Lover? Definitely a lover. I do not like it when someone is mad at me.
37. Are you genuine or fake? Genuine.But I guess that is really up for you to decide.
38. Any Vices? Giving in to my food cravings, shopping!
39. Pro Life or Wire Hanger? I lean more toward Pro-Life. But I don't really see the point in making abortion illegal. Just let a person make their own decision. They are the one's who will have to live with it for the rest of their life.
40. ROMNEY or OBAMA? Romney all the way! I am not thrilled with his position on social issues like abortion and gay marriage. BUT- I think economical issues are WAY more important, and he has a better plan in place to get this country back on track. Obama is just digging us into a deeper hole then we started out in.
41. Pro Plastic or Natural? Do whatever makes you happy!
42. Dream Job? Administrative Assistant for a hospital.

Now go! I tag you all to do the survey!!

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Ramblings of a young Republican

Can you tell I am SO ready for Fall to begin?! Hopefully it will be here sooner rather than later. The high is 91 today with a heat index of 99. YUCK.

Anywho- Onto the important things! Election time is upon us, and it brings out the crazy in all of us. We all think we are right....I just happened to actually BE right! Haha- Get it?

It's no secret that I am extremely Republican. Now, I say Republican and not Conservative, because I have always felt there is a big difference between the two. I am 100% completely a staunch Republican in regards to fiscal issues. Social issues? I do lean more to the left there....But not entirely. Do I think EVERYONE has the right to get married, whether you are black, white, gay, or straight? Sure. But I don't honestly care enough about it to let that sway my decision in the election. It doesn't affect me because....Well, I'm not gay. Do I think making abortions illegal is a little extreme and opens up a whole can of worms for the rape/incest/medical complications aspect of it? Yes. But I don't condone abortion either. I personally think it should be left the hell alone, and if a person wants to have an abortion for any reason, that's on them. THEY have to live with the decision, not me. I wouldn't do it, under any circumstance. If I were told I would die unless I had an abortion? I don't know....Part of me wants to say yes, I would do it. But the other part of me believes that God does have a plan. And when people are taken from this earth WAY too early, it's because God has a bigger plan for them in Heaven, then here on earth. As for rape- Again, I think it should be left up to a personal decision. I wouldn't do it, EVER. There are details of my life that I am not going to put out here. But I will say this- I have personal reasons for why I feel the way I do. If a woman is raped and becomes pregnant- That is absolutely horrible and I can imagine the emotional/physical pain of it. But that baby- that INNOCENT baby who had no choice in the matter either, is still part of that woman. Who is to say that woman can't grow up to love her child. regardless of who the "sperm donor" was. Just because the father is a complete monster, doesn't mean the child will grow up to be. That's the beauty of the father NOT being in the picture. It's a chance for the Mother to watch her child grow up, and teach them how to be a decent, caring, and moral person.

And then, there is always the WONDERFUL gift of adoption. So many people forget about that. About how many people there are in the world who can't have a child on their own. It makes me sad, because I used to think I would be one of those people. *hugs daughter tight*.

But what *really* matters right now, is the economy. That is the biggest issue and should be TOP priority. Democrats don't want to make it the top priority. They think social issues should be dealt with first. I can't for the life of me, see the logic behind that. Like. At all. I kind of feel like grabbing one and shaking them, slapping them across the face screaming "Are you crazy?!?!" So...You're gay and you are now officially allowed to get married anywhere you want, anyway you want. You want the big dream wedding that everyone dreams of. But oops.... The economy is still shit. You lost your job 6 months ago because your company went out of business because they couldn't afford the cost of Obamacare. You can't find a job paying the same salary, so you're flipping burgers at McDonalds to try to scrape by. Too bad you can't put that OH SO IMPORTANT social issue of legalizing gay marriage EVERYWHERE to use and you know, actually get married. Oh darn.

It would be great if we lived in a perfect world where everyone's view and beliefs were the same. But it would also be kind of boring, dont you think? Are Romney/Ryan my ideal candidates? No. None of the candidates this year really were. Until a Republican candidate comes along and is in favor of legalizing gay marriage and leaving abortion up to a personal decision, AFTER, of course, focusing on the economy, I will never have an ideal candidate. However- I just can't stand behind Obama after all the lies he has told, and all the deceit. He is a scary, scary man. He seems like a wonderful person, outside of politics. But as a politician and Commander in Chief? I am scared shitless of him and what he has done already/could do in another 4 years. There are so many "unknowns" about this man, and it is terrifying.

If you've reached the end of this, depending on your party, you are either applauding, or wanting to ring my neck. Feel free to leave comments! I love a good debate =)

Tuesday, September 4, 2012


I will have exciting news in the next few weeks! Stay tuned!

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

It's just been one of those days....

First of all- Before I start ranting like a raving lunatic- I want to extend a BIG welcome and thank you for all my new Followers lately!!! I believe a lot of you have been finding my blog via Pinterest. Isn't Pinterest a wonderful thing?? Don't be shy about leaving comments =)

And now....It begins.

Did you ever have just one of those days when you just completely break down over the stupidest thing? Yeah...That was me today. It was an extremely stressful day. My living room is currently in disarray because we are FINALLY painting!! I am not thrilled with the color, actually. On the swatch it looked much more creamy. But on the wall it just looks off-white. But it's a lot better and it really brightens the room up.

You can see the original color on top

I only have the first coat on 2 walls so far, which brings me to my aggravation. I am the type of person that when I start a home project, I want to finish is RIGHT away. I don't like having to put things off. But when you have an almost toddler crawling around everywhere, daily household duties, a part time job, and a boyfriend who HATES to paint, it's not going to get done in the timeframe I would like.

And then today happened. Mackenzie woke up later than usual, which was nice. I got to sleep in a little. We got up and had breakfast and played, and I put her down for her first nap. I started to get a load of laundry going and the phone rings. It's my MIL telling me that she accidentally ran over our dog with her pick-up truck and he was limping very badly (J takes him over there every morning so he can run around the 9 acre property and play with all his other doggy buddies). So I had to wake Kenzie up from her nap, and off to the vet we went.

Luckily, and by some miracle, nothing was broken or even fractured. He's just going to be a sore pup for a little while. So he's on anti-inflammatories. I'm telling you....He really lives up to his name...Lucky Cash.

We get home, and I am trying desperately to get the damn dog to just lie down on his bed. But of course he wants to walk around and chase the cats. J calls and says he's going to be working super late but would like chicken cutlets, homemade mashes potatoes and gravy, and creamed corn for dinner. Ick. Not so good for someone trying to lose weight. So I fixed myself a tuna salad for dinner, and proceeded to start making his. I had put Kenzie in her crib at this point, so she could just kind of chill out and play while I cooked. I got the chicken fried, and started boiling the potatoes. I hear Mackenzie laughing hysterically upstairs in her room. I crept up there expecting to find my cute little imp doing something incredibly adorable. Oh, but no. No no no. It was like a horror scene. SHIT EVERYWHERE. Onsie busted open, diaper on top of her head, and shit smeared ALL over her crib. Not only that, but she was finger painting a pretty picture for me on the wall....With her poo. She thought it was hiiiiiiiiiiilarious.

So I ran a bath, stripped her down and washed her off. My God, she is too much like her father. I practically needed a pressure washer to get all the crap off her. But I did. Put her in a sleeper because it was SO close to her bedtime. But damnit...Her sheets and blankets were covered in poo. Put her in her jumper, stripped down the bed and threw it in the laundry basket. Walk back downstairs with it and smell burning. SHIT! The potatoes!!!! All the water was boiling over the pot and sizzling on the burner. Got that cleaned up...Kenzie starts screaming because she is upstairs and doesn't like to be alone. I run down the basement steps (almost tripping in my flip-flops and killing myself) and get all the laundry started. The phone rings. "Hey babe...Can you come pick me up from work now?"

- _-

Throw kenzie in the truck and off I go. Pick up J, get home, and J is pissed off that dinner isn't on the table....I still needed to heat up the creamed corn and mash the potatoes. He gets in the shower, I throw Kenzie in her walker so I can finish up dinner. All the while she is screaming and tugging at my pant leg because she is hungry and extremely tired. It was Waaaaay past her bedtime.

Throw her sheets and blankets in the dryer. Thank goodness they only take about 15 minutes to dry. J inhales his dinner and retreats to his office to play WoW . -_- I give Kenzie her dinner, put the sheets back on her mattress, giver her a bottle, and she is out like a light within 10 minutes.

Finally sit down, get on a MB I frequent. Tell about my day. The response? "Why are you making fried chicken and gravy if you're trying to lose weight?"

I fucking lost it. I just lost it. Big ugly sobs lost it. Complete internet strangers made me have a mental breakdown tonight.

All I can say? Thank God for Klonopin.


Monday, August 13, 2012

Well, thank God that is over!

The HCG diet is DONE. I am down almost 20 lbs. I didn't follow it to a "t" and I did tweak the diet here and there. I also didn't do the full 45 days. J and I have noticed that ever since I started it, my anti-depressants stopped working. I went back to crazy, bitchy, anxiety-ridden Ashley. I just can't live like that. And it makes J's life a lot more difficult too. So I am DONE. I am happy with my results, and it really did teach me a lot as far as portion control goes. I will never not weigh my food again!

So the plan now is to just eat better, and less. Oh yeah...And now I have to workout. harumph.

There have been some mighty big changes going on around here, and more on the way. We are going to be doing a bit of redecorating around the house. I am so tired of the green walls in the L.R. Our hardwood floors have a very 70's orangish tone to them, and it just looks so gross with the sage green walls. J talked me into the color when I first met him. And I was all love-struck and so I said okay, all the while I secretly hated it. The problem is now, that we have these dark hunter green sofas. I'm just wondering if it would look funny against a creamy colored wall? I'm sure I could throw in some coordinating accent pillows and blankets and whatnot, that would tie it all together nicely.

In other news- It's happened again. The 10 year back-and-fourth Saga of Ashley & Amanda continues! We finally got in touch with each other after almost a year ( we stopped talking the end of November). It's been a hard year without my best friend of 10 years. She's missed out on so much of Mackenzie's life, and that is the part the makes me the most sad. I told her anything I ever said or did was only because I love and care about her so much. And I wanted her to be happy. I didn't want to see her go through another horrible experience like she did with her Ex. She understood, and said she was very immature about the whole situation. She also said she had wanted to call me so badly, but she felt like she had been so shitty to me, that she didn't deserve my friendship. So we are giving it another go. We are taking it very slowly. I am not jumping on the "oh mah gawd! You're mah best friend forever" bandwagon just yet. We went out for dinner and drinks Saturday night, and it was honestly the hardest I had laughed in a long time. We almost died on the car ride home because we were laughing so hard at absolutely nothing, and the car was going all over the road.

I am making it a priority to keep my mouth SHUT about her relationship. If she asks for my opinion or advice, I'll give it. But otherwise, I am staying out of it. I always have and always will love Chris. Once upon a time, he was one of my very best friends. But, he's changed so much since he went into the Marines. It's like they sucked all the joy out of him. He is not my Christophee. But I hope one day, he'll be back. And we can all pick up where we left off.

The countdown until Mackenzie's 1st birthday is on! 5 weeks to go! GAH! I can't believe it! I'm going to have a toddler! It's so funny to look back on my old blogs and see how worried I was about never being a Mother. And now, I have an almost 1 year old. It's funny how life works, ain't it?

Saturday, August 11, 2012


The best same-sex coupe to have ever been created.

Time to take back our Country! Go get em guys!!

Monday, August 6, 2012

Just a quick update!

Kudos to those of you who still read this after all this time!

I really have nothing interesting to update you on right now. Everything in my life is pretty steady! The job is going well- It's not my favorite, but it's a little extra money!  I've made some great friends so far. I am still always looking for something more in the field I got my degree in. I am also contemplating going back to school for Medical Assistance. I was desperately trying to avoid the science classes, *teehee*, but it looks like it's going to be the only way to get my foot in the door.

Mackenzie is just as cute as ever. We tried her with a little Almond Milk and she did beautifully! No breakouts at all!

J and I are great. Still waiting for "Mr. Sparkly"! My goodness, how long have I been talking about this now? 2 years? LOL. GET IT TOGETHER J, I want that October 2013 wedding!

So that's it. See, told you it was nothing interesting!

Friday, July 27, 2012

Mackenzie made the news!!!!

My baby girl is a celebrity!! Watch the anchors "ooooh" and "ahhh" over how sweet she is!!

DC Breaking Local News Weather Sports FOX 5 WTTG

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Updates and a survey!

Lots' going on here!

First of all, I am SO excited to say that I am beginning week 2 of the HCG diet, and I am down 12 lbs! WOOT! It hasn't been easy at all. I have wanted to give up a lot, and I did have a day where I cheated. Going to all the summer parties and BBQ's with amazing down-south cooking has been So difficult. But I am pushing through and it is so worth it!

Mackenzie is just amazing. I don't remember the last time I updated on her, but she has hit quite a few milestone!

-20 lbs, 26 inches

-Sitting up on her own, gets herself into sitting position.

- Says "Mama" "Dada" "Nana" "Uh-oh"

- Will clap, wave, point, and roll her arms on command with speaking only- no visual aids! So she understands words!

- Pulling herself to standing position in her crib...Trying VERY hard to do it with furniture too.

- SO close to walking. She knows what to do, she just can't quite keep her balance yet.

She gets more beautiful everyday. I can't believe she is my daughter. I am so blessed!

Survey time!! Stolen from Emily =)

1. How long have you been blogging? And what got you started on blogging? Has your blog changed? 
I've blogged on and off since I was a teenager. It all started with Xanga and Myspace. But this blog has been the very first that I have stuck with for more than a couple months lol. Going on 2.5 years now! My blogs have always been about my life. It's a great way to get out everything that I am feeling, and share things in my life that others can relate to.

2. Did you go to college? If so where, and what did you study? 
I did. I got my certification in Medical Administration. I will be going back for my AA in Medical Assistance.

3. Where have you traveled?
All up and down the East Coast, and once to the Bahamas when I was like, 6. I'm not a big traveler.

4. If you won the lottery, what would be the first thing you would buy?
  College fund for Mackenzie!

5. What are your 3 biggest pet peeves?
1) People who get away with EVERYTHING.
2) clingy and overbearing "You took my baby away from me" types.
3) 1-uppers. They are the WORST!

6. What is your favorite movie?
That's so hard! There are so many I love. Gone with the Wind is probably my all time favorite.

7. What is your drink of choice; wine, beer, or liquor. Or Water, Soda, Tea?
Liquor! Vodka and Cranberry juice, please!

8. What is something you enjoy to do when you have me time?
Sing karaoke, and pin things on Pinterest. Also...I love doing a homemade spa type thing. Bubble bath, facial, mani &pedi. It's so fun being a girl!

9. If you could have a $10,000 shopping spree to one store, which store would it be?
Does the internet count as a store? LOL. I would do online shopping like a mofo!

10. Share with us an embarrassing moment of your past? Or present.
Too many to even mention!

11. What day would you love to relive again?
The day I brought my daughter into this world. Even through all of the pain, it was the most amazing moment of my life!

12. If your life was turned into a movie... what actor would play you?
Hmmm...Abigail Breslin maybe? She's short like me.

13. What are the jobs you had in high school/college/the early years?
Burger King, CVS, and then I got my first office job in Florida!

14. Show us a picture from high school or college.

See previous post...When I was skinny!!

15.  If you could go anywhere in the world, all expenses paid, where would you go?
Ireland for sure! J and I have always wanted to go there and visit his "home"

16. Show us the most current picture of you or you, or your family, or anything of meaning to you.
Just look at the picture I posted of my daughter earlier...Nothing means more to me!
17. Where do you see your life 5 years from now?
In our home on 3 acres, Mackenzie running around, and myself either pregnant or with a newborn baby (hopefully a brother for Mackenzie!)

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Round and round we go

I was doing SO well on the HCG diet. I lost a total of 8 lbs in about 8 days. Exciting! And then I got a call from my doctor who finally received my medical records from my OBGYN. She saw my history with the cancer scares, and how I am high risk for Ovarian, Uterine, and Cervical cancer. She told me I should stop the HCG drops because they would put me at even higher risk for developing these cancers. Oh great. My cravings had finally stopped and I was really getting into the swing of things with great results, and now I have to stop?? Of course. It's me we are talking about. Things can never go smoothly for me, there has always got to be some complication somewhere.

But there is a glimmer of hope!

I stopped the diet and just started doing low calorie (about 1000 calories a day) vitamins, and exercise. And of course, I didn't drop a single pound. Thank you insulin resistant PCOS!  I was seriously bummed out and feeling hopeless. So I started the research!

After hours of research, basically I found out that it is pretty safe for me to continue the HCG diet. What it boils down to is that legally, my doctor had to let me know the risks of the drops and what could happen. Kind of like on the commercials for medications they say "Certain disorders can increase your risk of  'blank' so consult your doctor before starting this medication". But the actual risk and chances of me getting cancer from taking these drops, even if I am high risk to begin with, is pretty slim-to-none. YES!

So I just finished my 2 days of loading (OMG I WANT TO BARF!) I am back up to 240 lbs after the loading, so I am basically starting all over again. But that's okay! Because it worked before, and it will work again and this time I am not stopping!

Monday, July 2, 2012

It's happening!

I'd like to share some pictures with you....

 These pictures are from when I was at my thinnest.....About 125-130 lbs. This was in 2003.

 This is me about 7 years into my bad relationship, living in Florida...As you can see, I was quite heavy (230 lbs) looking pretty depressed and the Florida heat had not been kind to my skin!

 And this was me about 6 months after meeting J. He inspired me so much and I dropped 40 lbs!!

Then I lost my job. And then I got pregnant and had a baby. And now I am back to where I started + 10 lbs.
I am 241 lbs in this picture.

**Picture should say 241 lbs, not 141!!
As you can see, I don't even look like the same person. Not at all.

I mentioned a few blogs back that I was about to undergo some big changes, and I am finally ready to share them!

I have started the HCG diet. Yes. It's an extreme diet. YES it is COMPLETELY safe and has been discussed with my doctor. It's what I need. It's structured, it's strict, it does not allow for mistakes or cheating. It's WORKING. 

Today I am on day 6 of the very low calorie diet (VLCD). 500 calories a day which basically boils down to 2 fruits, 2 veggies, and 2 proteins. NO sugar or sugar substitutes besides Stevia. NO dairy. NO carbs like breads and pasta. The only fruits I'm allowed are apples, oranges, strawberries and grapefruit. The only proteins I'm allowed are chicken breast, fresh white fish, steak, very lean ground beef (I use turkey), and the veggies I'm allowed are pretty extensive but I only like a select few. Basically broccoli, cauliflower, celery, lettuce and cucumbers. NO carrots, corn, beets or potato. I am only allowed 3.5 oz of the meats and the veggies twice a day. I take 10 drops of the HCG 3 times a day. (tomorrow I will be trying 8 drops 3x a day. I have been extremely hungry and I should not be. This can sometimes be caused by taking too much HCG. So I am adjusting my dosage to see if that helps control my hunger.)

For the first two days I had to gorge myself on anything and everything. I had to gain weight and store up fat since my body was going to be living off of it for the next few months. I gained a couple pounds which put me at my starting weight of 141 lbs. After 6 days of the VLCD, I am happy to report that I am down 5 lbs! (And that is with some cheating!).

As I said, I did cheat a little. My cravings and habits have been pretty hard to kick. I have found myself late at night munching on a couple of cheese and crackers. I also had a little "emergency stash" of sugar free chocolate that I would sneak in if I really was craving something sweet. I truly believe this has hurt me, and had I not been cheating I would have lost a lot more. After getting some awesome support and tips from a great support group, I did something I didn't think I would ever have the strength to do...I threw away perfectly good, unopened bags of chocolate! NO MORE CHEATING!

It's been hard. The cravings are so strong. But I know that will fade eventually. I just keep looking at my old pictures, and thinking about how awesome it will be to look like that again! I deserve this...J deserves this, and Mackenzie deserves a healthy mom! It's happening!! Lord, give me strength!

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Oh, what a difference a day makes!

Remember that whole impatient thing I was talking about? And how I couldn't wait to get the eff out of this house and all that jazz? Yeaaaaah...About that....

 Literally the next night, J drops this bombshell on me that he has been having doubts about moving. He doesn't really want to give up the privacy we have, or the little life we have created here. He's still saving money even with the bills we have to pay, just it might take a little longer. But I mean...We are in our early 20's. Building a house isn't something that many people can do at that age. We have time.

I shared with him that I have been having some doubts too. Mainly about Mackenzie and upsetting the little routine we have going, and being in a totally strange place. She would have to be rooming in with us, and I just don't foresee that working. She likes being totally alone and in pitch black when she goes to sleep. If there is anyone around her, making the slightest bit of noise, she has to be up and looking around. No matter how tired she is, she will stay awake if there is someone in the room with her.

I am a nightowl, and even though I have to get up early, I normally don't go to bed before 1 am. It's not unusual for me to stay up until 3 am. If I weren't in my own house, I would feel so awkward doing this. Sometimes, late at night, I run a bubble bath to relax before bed. The only bathroom in J's parents house is directly across from their bedroom and they sleep with the door open for the dogs...I wouldn't be able to do all the things I normally do.

So, in short, we are NOT moving. And we are staying here! But, there were certain things I made J agree to. I am sick of  living in a house where the things are not my own, and the decor is not my taste. all the furniture and decor except for our bed, our sofas, and the TV is my Mother's. So I made J agree that we can repaint, and decorate for our style, since it looks like were going to be here for a while. He agreed!

So while our house is getting a makeover, so will I. I'm back to work...Yippee!! Just a little part time job. I don't want to go back to work full time. I like being home with Mackenzie. So this will allow for a little extra income, and still plenty of time spent with Little Stink! I'm also starting a BIG transformation that I will share in a couple months. Until then hang tight!!

P.S...Thanks for all the hits, ML =)

Thursday, June 21, 2012


I hate waiting. I hate when plans are tentative and I don't know when something is going to happen. Nothing feeds my anxiety more then plans not being pinned down, and everything being up in the air.

We are still in this freaking house. UGH. We have nooooo clue when we are moving now. J's parents friend who is currently living there, is waiting for his house to be ready. He's going through a divorce, and his ex-wife is moving out of their house. She was supposed to be moving into her new place on the 15th, but apparently the place is a real dump and not even liveable at this point. WTF??? So now my Mom is waiting on us, because he is waiting on her, and we are waiting on him. God only knows when the Ex will be in her new place. So now we are just waiting. House torn apart, boxes packed, anxiety at an all time high.

It's a good thing I didn't have our utilities set to be shut off at a certain date.

J is all nonchalant and chill about it, as is his normal attitude regarding pretty much everything in life. I, on the other hand, am freaking out. I know it's no ones fault, but I mean...It's still incredibly frustrating. We bought a new bed the day before we decided on this move. We had already unboxed it and done away with the boxes. We figured putting it together would be pointless, so it has just been sitting against the wall in our bedroom. And I am sick to death of seeing it. I have all these cute and awesome bedroom and organization ideas thanks to Pinterest, and I can't do anything with them until we move! This past week I had been piling boxes by the front door, assuming we would be making our move in a few days. So what do I do now? Do I leave them packed? Do I unpack them? I HATE UNCERTAINTY!!!!!!!!

On a happier note...The friend I wrote about in my last blog post got some good news. She was referred to one of the top specialists in the country, and the prognosis for her Son is not as bad as she was told by her regular doctor. He has a fighting chance!!!! He will have to have many surgeries, some just hours after his birth. It will be a long, hard, expensive road, so if you could find it in your hearts to donate *something*, it will not go unnoticed.

That's all for now. Hopefully my next post will be from a different house!!

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Things I don't understand

Tonight, I received an agonizing e-mail. An e-mail I thank my lucky stars I have never had to write.

You know...I bitch and whine a lot about not working right now. Or that I don't currently have a car, or that our move may be postponed by a week or two. But after hearing what I heard tonight, I kind of want to tell myself to 'stfu and get over it, you whiny brat'.

A very dear friend of mine, who is about halfway through her pregnancy with her first child- a little boy, after suffering over 10 miscarriages, found out today that her little boy will probably not survive much longer. He has been diagnosed with a very rare form of Spina-Bifeda. If he is strong enough to make it to term, his life will be very short, and very painful...Full of constant surgeries.

I am so heartbroken for her. There are no words, only tears. This is a cause that hits home to me. I know far too many people who have lost children early on, and I myself have suffered miscarriages.

In a small effort to bring a little hope into her life, I have started a campaign for donations. You can visit the campaign page here. Every little bit helps, and it will NEVER EVER cause the hurt to go away, but I feel it's the least I can do.

I can't even write anymore about this. I just hurt for her...So deeply. Hug your babies extra tight...I know I am.

Saturday, June 9, 2012

Bittersweet Memories

Hopefully we will be moving next weekend. Now that it is right on top of us, I am starting to get sad.

So many things happened in this house. J and I met BECAUSE of this house. A mutual friend was helping my roomate and me move furniture in, and enlisted the help of J. It's where we had our first kiss, our first deep conversation, our first fight...A lot of firsts here. It's also where I found out I was pregnant with Mackenzie, and spent my entire pregnancy; and where we brought our daughter home for the first time. And now we are leaving. So I thought it might be nice to share some of my fondest memories of the time we spent here, through pictures.

September 2009- Welcome home!

Living room- J would later be sitting where the highboy is, when we first me

Dining Room- Many a game of flip cup were played on that table.
Kitchen- Where I cooked Josh "the meal that made him fall in love with me"
Best friends and roomates: Our first night in the house.

The first of many fun parties.

Our firs picture as a couple...Taken in kitchen
One of Amanda and Chris' first times hanging out. Little did they know....
Our first Christmas
Our deck in one of the 3 blizzards we had in 2010! 50+ inches!
Our first puppy- K.G!
Josh's 19th birthday, with his KG cake!
J doing what he does best! Spring 2010
The gang all together celebrating Amanda's 21st!
Welcome home Rocky & Rambo! August 2010
My 21st birthday surprise from J! A beautiful landscape! September 2010

SURPRISE!! Baby F is on the way! January 2011

38 weeks pregnant- 1 week before her arrival! September 2011
Welcome home, precious one. You are so loved.

Mackenzie's first snow- October 2011
Mackenzie's first halloween!

Mackenzie's first Christmas!
Finally redecorated the dining room! March 2012

Welcome home Lucky Cash! The toughest little pup in the south!

All because two people fell deeply, madly in love

 So, that's it. The last 3 years in pictures. It hurts a little going through them. Knowing that so many who made up these last 3 years, aren't in our lives anymore. And God, do I wish they were. I found a wonderful quote the other day, It says:

"We all lose friends...we lose them in death, to distance and over time. But even though they may be lost, hope is not. The key is to keep them in your heart, and when the time is right, you can pick up the friendship right where you left off. Even the lost find their way home when you leave the light on." - Amy Marie Walz

 The location may be changing, but the light is always on, Quacker. However long it takes.

Thank you for all of the memories. Each and every person who walked through this front door, has affected our lives, even if in a small way. I couldn't have asked for a better ride!