Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Bad Night.

Got a message about an hour or so ago....That friend I was talking about who was being induced? "She is now fully dilated and ready to push!" So this means, assuming all went well, she is probably holding her brand new baby girl in her arms as I type this. Me. The girl with PCOS. The girl who is not pregnant. The girl with no baby.

And it's not fair. The sobs are uncontrollable now....I hope I don't wake SO up. It's been on my mind all night. So much so that I could not sleep. Well, the RLS (Restless Leg Syndrome) was keeping me up to but I've come to learn how to ignore that pretty easily.

I love my friend dearly, and if she ever reads this I hope she doesn't think ill of me. I am so happy for her and I know she's going to be a great mom! I just can't stop this feeling.

And I want to know why?

Am I not good enough to be a Mother in God's eyes? Is that why? Does he think I am not fit to be a mother? Is this my punishment for having sinned? I sound like a horrible person. I talk like I'm the only one who is going through this. I know I'm not. But I *feel* so alone. I feel empty. It brings me right back to that hospital room when I was looking at that ultrasound screen and all I could see was an empty Uterus. Nothing to suggest that just weeks prior I was holding that positive pregnancy test in my hand. Just empty.

I am empty. And I don't think I'll ever experience what my friend is experiencing right now.

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