Tuesday, March 9, 2010


Normally, you wouldn't see a title like this. Normally, you would see the typical determined "PCOS is NOT me". But for me, right now, I feel like it is me. I feel defined by my disease. I feel beaten down, disheartened, downright hopeless. The Drs. say "You'll never get pregnant with this PCOS. If you do, you won't carry to term." Well in your face Docta!!! I DID get pregnant.....but allow me to humble myself because no, I did not carry to term. I only made it to 5 weeks before the cramping and bleeding started. And there, on that ultrasound screen in the Drs office, was....nothing. Nothing but an empty uterus. Blighted Ovum they say. An egg attached, but nothing ever grew.

That was last February. A year has come and gone in the blink of an eye and so much happened between then and now. My fiance (Now Ex) and I tried for 6 months after that to get pregnant, with no success. We tried temping, Vitex, Birth Control, Robitussin, Green tea, every pill under the sun. We even did the whole "We'll stop trying and whatever happens, happens" thing. Nothing. I guess it was a blessing in disguise because in August of 2009 we split up for personal reasons.

So I did what any respectable girl would do.....I packed my shit and moved back home to Maryland. The place I had been so longing to come back to. Once here, I was able to buy my first home, land a great job, and without even meaning to, meet a wonderful man...All within 2 months of being back!

Fast forward to today. As I am sitting here writing this, said man is at our home taking care of our puppy and *hopefully* doing the dishes in the sink. (Hey, he's off work all winter, the least he can do is the dishes!). As much as I love this new relationship I'm in (Were going on 6 months now) a part of me wishes I could fast foward through the first year or 2 and get us to that point where were ready to settle down and get married, and most importantly, start a family. Me? I would marry the man tomorrow if he asked me. I would have married him a month after we started dating! Not just because I relish the idea of marriage. But because I've never felt a love like this. I've never felt like this period. As Fran Drescher would put it, he gives me that "Utz" in the pit of my stomach.

So what this blog boils down to...I think, is that one day in the not so distant future, he is going to want to start a family. And damnit...I'm not going to let my body destroy the dreams of not only myself, but him as well. I want to get to that point where I can scream "PCOS IS NOT ME!!!!!!" I'm going to do everything in my power to beat this disease...Without the help of medications. I'm going to lose weight, feel good, and start my life...Even if it kills me.

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