Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Having a bad night

What should be a completely joyous event in one's life, turns me into a blubbering idiot.

I just can't handle friends having babies.

Acquaintances? Yes.

Distant relatives? Sure.

Complete strangers? No problemo.

But someone close to me? Fuggedaboutit.

I don't know why....I can't explain it. I am so so SO happy for them, and they are ALL wonderful moms. But in hindsight...Going back and thinking about how they are a MOM and have someone who reaches their tiny little hand out for them in seeking guidance and love....It makes me weep. A lot.

I once wrote a myspace blog that pretty much sums up how I feel.....It went a little something like "It's heartbreaking to know that my body is essentially a death trap for a fetus." But, miracles do happen everyday. I think about all my wonderful infertile friends who are now pregnant, and it makes me smile. But at the same time, it makes me sad to know I have such a long way to go before it ever happens for me. It's not jealousy. Just....sadness for myself but at the same time being incredibly happy for all of them.

I love children. From newborn, to 18. I always have. So anytime I DO get to spend around them, especially the itty bitty ones, is a God send. Which I was able to experience today. I got to hold a baby that was just not even 24 hours old. And it made me smile, but broke my heart at the same time. Am I making any sense?

I dont know...Call me crazy, call me impatient, call me psycho baby lady. Maybe I am. But losing a child screws with you...Even if I never did meet him/her. I'll NEVER get over it. Even if I go on to have 10 children. I'll never get over my angel baby. And I know I'm not the only one. Heck, there are people I know who have suffered losses much worse then mine. But it hurts all the same.

In any case...Welcome to the world little Miss. Eden! You are loved more than you'll ever know!

1 comment:

  1. All is not lost, sweetie. When the medical issues & other things get all straightened out, the issues you personally need to change, you talk to the people I've suggested ... go to church ... God will raise His healing hand, Ashley. I truly believe this more than you can ever know ... deep down in my heart. Look at all my friends that have PCOS & they were in their 30s having those little dumplings ... but life changes are vital. I think once you get a Dr. & get things going with the Dr. that will be a big step ... also, I've shared with you that my friends have offered to discuss what they went thru to give you direction & suggestions ... they are there for YOU!

    We both have angel babies ... I know your pain & tears & heartbreak personally. I can only comfort you with God has a plan, not OUR plan but His plan. He needed our babies ... they are never forgotten but time does soften the wounds, our heart holds a special spot for us to visit them as we need to, forever.

    Little Eden is darling, how precious life is at the moment of birth ... your day will come, little Miss Addison Dawn will fill your life with joy. Then will come Liam & Mackenzie ...

    Love you forever, Mini