Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Big Changes Ahead

Something big is about to happen in our little life. Since I have started this blog, what is the one thing I often posted about, and have always wanted to happen but hasn't yet? Let's see...There was the baby thing....And God seemed fit to bless me with a beautiful daughter who I love more then life, so it's not that. But then there is J proposing....Something I have been dreaming about for the last 2 years....And well guys.....It still hasn't happened -_- (times a tickin' hunny!). And then there is that pesky little weight-loss thing that I have talked about oh so much... DING DING DING DING!! There you go!

I started this blog 2 years ago with the intention of using it as a tool to help me lose weight, to beat the condition PCOS, which I was always told would prevent me from ever having a baby. I may not have lost the weight, but I certainly defied the odds! So now it is time to get back to the true meaning of this blog. I spent a good 2 hours last night, going back to the very first post, and reading every single one up until my most recent. I watched the evolution of our life through words. Most of it I am pretty happy with, but there are some things I didn't like seeing. I didn't like seeing how my weight-loss tapered off, eventually ceasing all together. There was a point where I was kicking ass and taking names! I looked good, and I felt even better. And I know the exact moment it all went to hell in a handbasket...When I got laid off from my job right after I purchased a new car.

I was out of work from May-October, and then I got another job. Two months later I was laid off from that position, and then I got pregnant. That is a lot of life changing stuff happening all at once. I didn't know how to handle it. At all. I have felt completely useless since losing that second job. I was bound to my bed for practically my entire pregnancy. I did nothing but what society assumes all housewives do.....Sat on my ass, eating junk and watching Days of our Lives. I only gained 20 lbs total during my pregnancy, but practically all the weight stayed after giving birth.

I have not been the same since having my daughter. Although I never followed up with my OB about it, I 100% know I have been suffering from PPD (Post Partum Depression). Add that on top of already having Depression and Anxiety, and it does not bode well for me. I have been a mess. A MESS. And when I am a mess, I eat. I eat because I am depressed, and I am depressed because I eat. Vicious cycles are fun, aren't they? Can I get off this ride now?

I am going to be completely and utterly honest with all of you, if any, who are reading this. My relationship with J has suffered dramatically because of my issues. There have been points where I have been hard for him to tolerate, because of my Depression. And he being someone who has NEVER seen anyone with Depression before, did not know how to respond. His initial reaction to me getting mad at him for something stupid, is to get mad right back. The first time he saw me have a panic attack, he got angry because he thought I was just being an overly emotional bratty girl. He knows much better now.

There are also physical repercussions to my Depression and weight. Our intimate life is pretty much non-existent right now. And his attraction toward me has suffered. It hurts me to even type that out. It's embarrassing. But I can't really hold it against him. I can't even bare to look at myself in the mirror...How do I expect him to think I look like the Goddess Athena, when I KNOW I don't?

All those issues aside, we still are in love. That is one thing that will never change. And these issues are not something that could ever part us. We don't give up that easily.

I asked earlier, if I could get off this awful ride. And I can. I have. I finally have an appointment with a doctor to get my Depression/Anxiety under control. I have also joined Weight Watchers. I did this once before while I was with my Ex, and did very well on it! I am excited about doing it again. It was so easy!

It's going to SUCK. Food really is like a drug. Very addicting. I will have to "detox" from all the fast food, sweets, restaurants, etc... One thing I absolutely will NEVER give up is my Diet Coke....I'm a Mom for cripes sake! I need my caffeine! And at least it's diet, right?!

So this is probably the longest blog I have done in a long time, if not, ever! But It feels good to say what I have said. I ask all of you one favor though..... DO NOT ask me how it's going. That is the one thing that drives me crazy. I constantly get asked... "How is the job search going?" Well..let's see...I don't have a job, and if I did get one, I'm pretty sure you would hear me hooting and hollering from the rooftops...So how do you think it's going? So in regards to this as well, please don't ask me how it's going. It makes me uncomfortable. If I want to talk about it, I will talk about it. Either in person, or through this blog.

So yeah. I can't really think of a proper way to end this. So I'll just say.....Ready? Set? GO!!

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