I haven't done this in a while

So a little over year ago, I think it was right before I found out I was pregnant, I wrote this little gem of a blog. I was in a really bad place.

When I was about 17 weeks pregnant, I reluctantly rekindled my friendship with her. Things were great. It was like nothing at all had ever happened. We acknowledged out fight. We apologized, there were tears. Everything seemed so perfect and like no time at all had passed.

That lasted about a month. And then she dropped off the face of the earth again. I was ticked off, but I was far too consumed with the impending arrival of my daughter to give it any more thought.

Then I had Mackenzie. And she called me that day and asked to come see us in the hospital. I was sketchy. I wasn't really sure how I felt about it. But I thought, why not? Maybe it would be a good way to get things back on track. She came at the most inopportune time. I was trying to get Kenzie to latch on for a breastfeeding session and it was not going well. So my nerves were already shot. Not to mention that IJUSTHADAFUCKINGBABY. I gave up on the breastfeeding and kenzie was screaming her head off. She gets a hold of her and she stops crying immediately. Great. Now I feel like a failure as a mother to some twatwaffle. The visit was strained to say the least. And after she left, I had made the conscience decision that there was no friendship left. I wasn't going to pursue her any further.

And I didn't. Until kenzie was about 8 weeks old. I was driving home from the mall, where I had just bought some Thanksgiving and Christmas outfits for Mackenzie. I heard a song on the radio. "In the Middle of the Night" by Billy Joel. Memories of Mr. Currans choir class came flooding back. That's when there was no separating us. I picked up my phone, and dialed her number. She and her boyfriend (J's former best friend) came over that night. And it was wonderful. Again, it was like old times. This time there were no forced smiles or conversations. We started seeing them more. The whole gang was getting back together again. All was well.

Until it wasn't. She and her boyfriend have been having problems for a long time. He's a class A douche. And that is putting it nicely. She found out he had been cheating on her, not to mention the way he talks to her. It's like he doesn't even like her. Normally, I would just shrug it off, tell myself to stay out of it, it was none of my business. But I legit love the girl. I had to be a good friend and speak up. She told me she was leaving him, how she didnt want to put herself through this anymore. But she was scared of being alone. But, she was still going to leave him. Our last words to each other were: Me: I just don't want us to stop talking again. I don't want this to come between our relationship. Her: That's not going to happen, I promise.

That was on November 27, 2011. And that was the last time I ever spoke to her. I tried texting her, calling her. Nothing. I've seen her around town, with him. They are still living together IN HIS PARENTS BASEMENT. They go out to eat all the time and buy fancy cars with 500 dollar payments, because they don't know how to be real adults, and not have mommy and daddy pay their bills for them.

And it pisses me off so much. Because the nice cushy job she has? I GOT HER THAT FUCKING JOB! She never would have even KNOWN about that job had I not told her about it. And then she was apprehensive about applying, but I pushed her to do it. And when they called me for a reference, I talked her up BIG TIME. Even though what I was saying wasn't even true. I wanted her to get that job, and I knew without a good reference, she would have no chance.

And I am so damn mad because I miss her so much. She'll never know how much her friendship meant to me. Obviously more then it meant to her.

I told J tonight, I am just going to go about my life as if she were my best friend who had a horrible disease and died. Because afterall, there was a death here. A 10 year long friendship is dead. And I am just going to think of her as dead too. Because I honestly think that is the only way I will ever be able to move past this.

That's a little weird, isn't it? Most people just wouldn't care so much and could go on about their lives. I just can't.

And if you ever read this, or it gets back to you somehow (like the last post did). You can't say one fucking word about how MEAN this is. Look at what you've done. You're a liar. And you're a scared little girl who doesn't want to grow up and live in the adult world. I wish you lots of luck with him. Because honey, you need it.