With Father's Day coming up this weekend, I've been having a particularly hard time this week. It really all started with a dream I had the other day.
I was in my old house, the one I grew up in and the one my dad died in. I was sitting in a chair and my dad was sitting across from me on the sofa. He was alive, happy, and healthy. Just as I remembered him when I was a little girl. He had a camera phone, it actually looked like an iphone. He motioned for me to come over and sit with him. He didn't speak at all. I just sat down close to him, almost snuggling him, and we smiled and took some pictures together. His arms were around me, and I could just....FEEL him in my dream. And that was it. Just a few pictures. But we were so HAPPY. Like old times. And then I woke up.
I wish I could have heard him speak. That is something I miss the most, his voice. It was always so comforting to me. When I was a little girl, and I was sick, I always wanted him. I couldn't care less about my mom, I just wanted my dad.
I miss dancing on his feet, and sharing ice cream after dinner. I miss dunking oreos in milk on the dining room table. I miss playing basketball. I miss climbing on his shoulders and playing "hair dresser". I miss our weekley chats before bed time about how things were made and how a conveyor belt was always involved. I miss the way he used to whistle when walking in the front door. I miss watching him shave. I miss driving in the car, listening to "cool" music that my mom would never let me listen to and he would crank up then volume and jam with me. I miss fishing on "Pride Rock" down at the creek. I miss watching him and mom drink their cocktails everynight. I miss giving them a dance recitial in the living room. I miss Charades night. I miss hearing him curse at the Eagles game and watching hockey with him. I just miss him.
I feel like I was cheated out of so many years. I was 11 when he died, going through my rebellious pre-teen stage. I feel like I should have spent more time with him. I always wanted to be out with friends. I feel like I never appreciated him or showed him how much I loved him. It's always that way isnt it? It is always after the fact that we realize what we had.
I hate that he'll never walk me down the aisle or meet his grandchild. He should be here for all that.
I wish he could be here for his 48th Father's Day.
I'm just so thankful I have my brother and sister back in my life. And my neices. I know this would make my dad so happy. It killed him to see his children torn apart. But it's all in the past. And I love my brother and sister more than they'll ever know. I always have.
And now, a Poem. This is a poem that is going to be read by myself whenever I get married. Instead of doing the Father/Daughter dance Im going to have a little memorial for my dad.
Daddy's Day
Her was in a pony tail
Her favorite dress tied with a bow
Today was Daddy's Day at school
And she couldnt wait to go
But her mommy tried to tell her
Why she probably should stay home
Why the kids might not understand
If she went to school alone
But she was not afraid
She knew just what to say
What to tell her classmates
On why he wasn't there that day
But still her mother worried
For her to face this day alone
And thats why once again
She tried to keep her daughter home
But the little girl went to school
Eager to tell them all
About a dad she never sees
A dad who never calls
There were daddies along the wall in back
For everyone to meet
Children squirming impatiently
Anxious in their seat
One by one the teacher called
A student from the class
To introduce their daddy
As seconds slowly passed
At last the teacher called her name
Every child turned to stare
All of them searching
For a man who wasnt there
"Wheres her daddy at?"
She heard a boy call out
"She probably doesn't have one!"
Another student dared to shout
And from somewhere in the back
She heard a daddy say
"Looks like another deadbeat dad
Too busy to waste his day"
The words did not offend her
As she smiled at her mom
And looked back at the teacher
Who told her to go on
And with her hands behind her back
She slowly began to speak
And out of the mouth of a child
Came words so incredibly unique
"My daddy couldnt be here
Becuase he lives so far away
But I know he wishes he could be
On this special day
And though you cannot meet him
I wanted you to know
All about my daddy
And how he loves me so
He loved to tell me stories
He taught me to ride a bike
He surprised me with pink roses
And taught me to fly a kite
We used to share fudge sundays
And Ice Cream in a cone
And though you cannot see him
Im not standing here alone
Cause my daddys always with me
Even though we are a part
I know because he told me
He'll forever be in my heart"
With that her little hand reached up
And lay across her chest
Feeling her own heartbeat
Beneath her favorite dress
And from somewhere in the crowd of dads
Her mother stood in tears
Proudly watching her daughter
Who was wise beyond her years
For she stood up for the love
Of a man not in her life
Doing was was best for her
Doing what was right
And when she dropped her hand back down
Staring straight into the crowd
She fnished with a voice so soft
But it's message clear and loud
"I love my daddy very much
He's my shining star
And if he could he'd be here
But heaven is just too far
But sometimes when I close my eyes
It's like he never want away"
And then she closed her eyes
And saw him there that day
"I know you're with me Daddy"
To the silence she called out
And what happend next
Made believers of those once filled with doubt
Not one in that room could explain it
For their eyes had been closed
But there on the desk beside her
was a long stemmed fragrant pink orose
And a child was blessed, if only for a moment
Bthe love of her shining bright star
And given the gift of believing
That heaven is never too far.
I love you Daddy
Please excuse my horridness and no makeup here
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