Daddy

With Father's Day coming up this weekend, I've been having a particularly hard time this week. It really all started with a dream I had the other day.

I was in my old house, the one I grew up in and the one my dad died in. I was sitting in a chair and my dad was sitting across from me on the sofa. He was alive, happy, and healthy. Just as I remembered him when I was a little girl. He had a camera phone, it actually looked like an iphone. He motioned for me to come over and sit with him. He didn't speak at all. I just sat down close to him, almost snuggling him, and we smiled and took some pictures together. His arms were around me, and I could just....FEEL him in my dream. And that was it. Just a few pictures. But we were so HAPPY. Like old times. And then I woke up.

I wish I could have heard him speak. That is something I miss the most, his voice. It was always so comforting to me. When I was a little girl, and I was sick, I always wanted him. I couldn't care less about my mom, I just wanted my dad.

I miss dancing on his feet, and sharing ice cream after dinner. I miss dunking oreos in milk on the dining room table. I miss playing basketball. I miss climbing on his shoulders and playing "hair dresser". I miss our weekley chats before bed time about how things were made and how a conveyor belt was always involved. I miss the way he used to whistle when walking in the front door. I miss watching him shave. I miss driving in the car, listening to "cool" music that my mom would never let me listen to and he would crank up then volume and jam with me. I miss fishing on "Pride Rock" down at the creek. I miss watching him and mom drink their cocktails everynight. I miss giving them a dance recitial in the living room. I miss Charades night. I miss hearing him curse at the Eagles game and watching hockey with him. I just miss him.

I feel like I was cheated out of so many years. I was 11 when he died, going through my rebellious pre-teen stage. I feel like I should have spent more time with him. I always wanted to be out with friends. I feel like I never appreciated him or showed him how much I loved him. It's always that way isnt it? It is always after the fact that we realize what we had.

I hate that he'll never walk me down the aisle or meet his grandchild. He should be here for all that.

I wish he could be here for his 48th Father's Day.

I'm just so thankful I have my brother and sister back in my life. And my neices. I know this would make my dad so happy. It killed him to see his children torn apart. But it's all in the past. And I love my brother and sister more than they'll ever know. I always have.

And now, a Poem. This is a poem that is going to be read by myself whenever I get married. Instead of doing the Father/Daughter dance Im going to have a little memorial for my dad.

Daddy's Day

Her was in a pony tail

Her favorite dress tied with a bow

Today was Daddy's Day at school

And she couldnt wait to go

But her mommy tried to tell her

Why she probably should stay home

Why the kids might not understand

If she went to school alone

But she was not afraid

She knew just what to say

What to tell her classmates

On why he wasn't there that day

But still her mother worried

For her to face this day alone

And thats why once again

She tried to keep her daughter home

But the little girl went to school

Eager to tell them all

About a dad she never sees

A dad who never calls

There were daddies along the wall in back

For everyone to meet

Children squirming impatiently

Anxious in their seat

One by one the teacher called

A student from the class

To introduce their daddy

As seconds slowly passed

At last the teacher called her name

Every child turned to stare

All of them searching

For a man who wasnt there

"Wheres her daddy at?"

She heard a boy call out

"She probably doesn't have one!"

Another student dared to shout

And from somewhere in the back

She heard a daddy say

"Looks like another deadbeat dad

Too busy to waste his day"

The words did not offend her

As she smiled at her mom

And looked back at the teacher

Who told her to go on

And with her hands behind her back

She slowly began to speak

And out of the mouth of a child

Came words so incredibly unique

"My daddy couldnt be here

Becuase he lives so far away

But I know he wishes he could be

On this special day

And though you cannot meet him

I wanted you to know

All about my daddy

And how he loves me so

He loved to tell me stories

He taught me to ride a bike

He surprised me with pink roses

And taught me to fly a kite

We used to share fudge sundays

And Ice Cream in a cone

And though you cannot see him

Im not standing here alone

Cause my daddys always with me

Even though we are a part

I know because he told me

He'll forever be in my heart"

With that her little hand reached up

And lay across her chest

Feeling her own heartbeat

Beneath her favorite dress

And from somewhere in the crowd of dads

Her mother stood in tears

Proudly watching her daughter

Who was wise beyond her years

For she stood up for the love

Of a man not in her life

Doing was was best for her

Doing what was right

And when she dropped her hand back down

Staring straight into the crowd

She fnished with a voice so soft

But it's message clear and loud

"I love my daddy very much

He's my shining star

And if he could he'd be here

But heaven is just too far

But sometimes when I close my eyes

It's like he never want away"

And then she closed her eyes

And saw him there that day

"I know you're with me Daddy"

To the silence she called out

And what happend next

Made believers of those once filled with doubt

Not one in that room could explain it

For their eyes had been closed

But there on the desk beside her

was a long stemmed fragrant pink orose

And a child was blessed, if only for a moment

Bthe love of her shining bright star

And given the gift of believing

That heaven is never too far.

I love you Daddy