Well, there is not much else to say except that I needed at least 1200 to be considered "doubling every 48 hours." Well, I didn't get 1200.
I got 15 freaking 00!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 1500!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GAH!
The NP said "That is absolutely perfect and congratulations on a healthy pregnancy!" I of course, started bawling.
I feel so blessed to even have made it this far.
Grow my little butterfly, grow!!
Today has been one hell of an emotional rollercoaster. This whole pregnancy has, and I'm only 5 weeks!
This morning I went in for my second beta. When I got there, I asked the receptionist for my results of the first. She looked it up and says "Your first one came back a 6." This baffled me. A FREAKING 6? What the heck does that even mean. One of the nurses came over and explained that it was in the "normal range" but a lower number could mean an ectopic pregnancy, and to wait until Monday to see if the numbers doubled.
Needless to say I spent the rest of the day sobbing, cursing, and sleeping away the pain. I was convinced I had already, or was about to lose this baby.
5:30- My phone rings. It's the sweet NP who did my exam on me. She apologized for not being able to speak with me when I was there, things were hectic and she was running around like crazy. She also apologized for the way the nurse had explained things to me. She said she has walked by while she was explaining and saw the sheer look of terror on my face. Turns out...That pesky little 6? That was the result for the qualitative test. That's just to check if I am pregnant. Anything above a 4 is pregnant! She then went on to explain that my ACTUAL beta level was.............
673!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! I started bawling right on the phone and asked if that was good. Her exact words? "That's an excellent number and exactly where you should be for being about 5 weeks pregnant! As long as we hit close to 1200 on Monday, we are Golden!"
I sobbed with relief. I was so happy that she had gone out of her way to call me, FROM HER HOME, because she realized how worried I must have been.
She also explained that the more than likely reason we saw nothing at the ultrasound on Wednesday was because for anything, even a gestational sac to show up, your HCG level needs to be at least 1000. So by the time I go for my next appointment (2/23) we should see a little baby and a heartbeat!!
So today has been like a trip to Hershey Park...Only without the yummy chocolate. I'll be so glad when I am out of the first trimester! But I am still pregnant, and my numbers say baby is healthy! Praise God!
Well today was much more scary then I had anticipated. OY what a day.
First of all...It started snowing around 3 am. J got called out to go work around 4 so I was devastated thinking he wasn't going to be able to make it to the appointment...If my appointment was even still on. For all I knew, they could close down the office for snow!
But thankfully, J was able to take time off to take me, and the office remained opened.
They did a urine test. Positive, of course. They asked me a bazillion questions. They asked me how I was feeling. They did a pelvix exam and the dr said my cervix "feels very pregnant and long, just like it should be!" phew.
On to the scary part. The ultrasound. They did an internal, and being 6 weeks, I was fully expecting to see a sac with a tiny little speck in it. Nope. Nothing. Not even a sac. The most horrible words I heard were "I'm not seeing any sign of pregnancy from this ultrasound." WHAT?!?!?!! You mean my fears came true??!? Every single effing test I took was a false positive and I'm not really pregnant?!?!? I wanted to die.
So she suggested that I have a beta draw done today, and friday to see if my numbers are rising. If they are, it could mean 1 of 2 things. 1- I'm not quite as far along as I thought, and it may just be too early to see anything. Or 2- Ectopic pregnancy. Now, if the numbers don't rise and double...basically it means impending miscarriage or I have already miscarried. However....The Dr said she really truly believes it is just too early, what with my PCOS making me have irregular cycles and all. She is highly doubtful of an ectopic since the cramps I have been experiencing are not painful, and I have no bleeding whatsoever. She also said that my uterine lining was VERY thick, indicating that it is getting ready to "create a nest" for baby. She was very reassuring of the fact that it was just too soon. Of course, I didn't believe this.
I sobbed the whole way home. I was, and still partially am convinced that all of this was too good to be true and I will lose this baby, if I haven't already. But...A couple of my friends who have had kids told me they went through this same thing. Saw nothing early on, not even a sac, then a few weeks later, BAM! There was baby! So I am still hopeful that this could work out!
I'll go back in on Friday for my second beta. Then as long as the numbers look good, in a few weeks to a month, I'll get another U/S done to see if there is anything there. Please God, let there be something there.
So for now, I'm still pregnant, still worried sick. This is going to be a loooong few weeks.
You know how when you were little, and it was the night before your birthday, or Christmas, or the first day of school, and you couldn't sleep?? Yeah, that is totally me right now.
Tomorrow is my first prenatal visit! It was scheduled for Thursday but we are about to get a big snow storm and I wanted to get in before it hit! So I go in at 9 am!
I'm so excited I could jump up and down, and so nervous, I could throw up. A million things could go wrong tomorrow. My whole world could come crashing down again...I have never had a successful first appointment. The cramping I have been experiencing doesn't help. All my mind is swirling around is Ectopic Pregnancy
Today I started getting tiny little sharp pains on my left side, that kinda started going into my back too. The pain wasn't bad at all. More an annoyance then an actual pain really. But the fact that it was concentrated on one side has me TERRIFIED. The shred of hope is that I am extremely gassy tonight and can feel the gas bubbles moving in my tummy. So I am thinking maybe what I am feeling is some kind of gas pain. I pray it is.
J, like his Grandmother, gets these feelings of when something big is about to happen. Both he, and his Grandmother, knew I was pregnant before I did. J kept telling me to take a test. And when we called to tell his Grandmother, she answered with an excited "Oh, I know! I've already told you Grandfather!" But they also get these feelings when something terrible is about to happen. Maybe J is just trying to calm me, but he says he is getting nothing but good feelings about tomorrow. I also had a dream the other night that we got an U/S and everything looked beautiful and perfect. Oh lord, if that is the case tomorrow I will be so thankful, I don't even know what I'll do.
As far as symptoms go, I have them a-plenty! And dark tests too! Yes, I am crazy test lady who has taken several tests every single day since I first found out, just to make sure they are still positive. This mornings was the darkest yet! Very reassuring. New symptoms: itchy nipples!! Yikes! That hit me whilst perusing the baby aisle at Target. I am finally getting the exhaustion that all pregnant women complain about. Although, it would be nice if it could hit me right now when I need to sleep, instead of during the day!
So that is basically it! I doubt I will sleep tonight. I am praying to the good lord that everything looks good tomorrow. I have wanted this for so long, and everyone is SO happy for us. Please God, let us see a healthy baby tomorrow.
How Far Along: 5 weeks and 3 days
How Big is The Baby: The size of an Appleseed!
Total Weight Gain: I've lost 5 lbs. Due to having surgery on my mouth and being sick
Maternity Clothes: Not yet, can't wait!
Stretch Marks: None besides the ones I already have
Sleep: Tired during the day. I end up conking out about 9 or 10 at night but am always woken up around 3 with back pain and having to pee. I can never get back to sleep till around 6 or 7
Movement: Too early, wish it wasn't so I could have some reassurance
Food Cravings: Nothing really, but I am having aversions
What I Miss: Sleeping through the night, but I guess I'll have to get used to that!
What I’m Looking Forward To: Hearing the heartbeat (Hopefully on Thursday!), watching my belly grown, finding out the gender, meeting my son or daughter.
Milestones: Getting to 5 weeks and 3 days. Assuming everything looks good on Thursday, this will officially be the longest I have ever been pregnant!
Completely shocked, but excited are we!
I had an inkling I might be pregnant. My period was late (which really isnt unusual because of the PCOS) my boobs were so sore I couldn't wear a bra half the time, and I had been getting this strange fluttering and jumping in my uterus area. So I took a test. Now, I was wary at first because I picked up the test from the dollar store and it came with 2 tests. The first one I took, I guess I pee'd on too much or too little because it was inconclusive. No control line showed up. The second one I took around 9 at night after holding my pee, and got a strong positive! I wasn't sure though....I mean...the first test had been faulty...Maybe this one was as well?
So I went to sleep, woke up at 2:30 am with back pain and having to pee really bad (another sign...I have NEVER had to wake up in the middle of the night to pee) so I decided I needed to know FOR SURE. I Went to the 24 hour store up the road and bought a first response, and a digital. I took the first response first....hmmm..... no line was showing up...Yep, I knew it...Test was faulty. But I took the digital too just in case... By the time I had peed on that stick, I looked back at the FR and there was a light line! Noticeable, but light! Then I looked back at the digital and saw the word "Pregnant" I nearly fainted!!!
J is nervous but excited. As am I. This isnt something we were planning for right now, but possibly a year or so down the road. But, it was in God's plan for us to be parents now! I'm hoping and praying this is a sticky little butterfly (We are calling the baby butterfly because of all the fluttering it's causing in my uterus!) and that we do not have to go through another horrible miscarriage. But, I have a good feeling about this. I *feel* pregnant, where as last time, I did not.
I have wanted and prayed for this for so long...Maybe not right at this very moment, but I have prayed to God to one day bless me with a child. And God listened. We are over the moon excited!
And for those of you who are friends with us on facebook...Please refrain from saying anything just yet. We haven't told everyone in the family yet as we are waiting until after the appointment which is on Thursday the 27th!
Will post details on Drs. Appointments and such when I get them! I can't believe I am saying this, but...This is now a Pregnancy blog. GAHHHH! Praise God!
I have this pesky little problem. I seem to give people too many chances, and it ends up hurting me big time. It's happened with family, friends, past relationships. I just never seem to learn my lesson. J says it's because I have a big heart....And a small brain (teehee!) I don't know. I just know that I am through being taken advantage of.
My best friend and I have been best friends since we were in middle school. We went through everything together. In high school, she started dating a guy who didn't particularly like me, for what reason I don't know. I guess he didn't like any of my friend's friends because he forced her to shut them out of her life, and spend all of her time with him. Now, I'm not going to lie and say I wasn't a little bit guilty of doing this. I did the same thing with my ex. Not to that extreme though. I spent a substantially less amount of time with my friends, but still made time for them. He also cheated on her, emotionally and physically abused her...And was just not a good guy. And everyone knew it. Even her parents who begged her to stray away from him.
Eventually, she and I lost contact. I moved to Florida in 2007 and we didn't talk for a little over a year. Well, that's also a lie...Being the kind of friend I am...Even though she couldn't bother with me, I still made sure to call her and wish her a happy birthday...To which I got a "Thanks. Gotta go, with Jordan!" But after that, Nothing. Until one day my phone rang. "Hiiiii Ashley! It's me! Me and Jordan broke up. Booo hooo I'm so sad. I miss you, Oh, you're moving back to Maryland? Yay! We can hang out again!" And we did. For a few months things were just like they used to be. "We was like peeeeas and carrots Amanda and me!"
And then....She gave in and decided to get back together with her scumbag of an ex. Her phone calls became less and less. She started making up excuses to not hang out. One of my favorites was "Oh...Yeah...I can't hang out tonight....My mom's out and I have to stay home and...uh....watch the cat." That one was a gem! And then after a few weeks, I stopped hearing from her all together. I moved on with my life, and without even telling her, moved back to Florida. Are you seeing a patern here?
6 months later, she finds me on facebook. She and the ex had broken up again (again...are you seeing a pattern) I was wary, but was in such a bad place emotionally with just breaking up with my boyfriend of 7 years and fixin to move back to Maryland again. I was happy to have my "best friend" back in my life.
When I moved home, she and I moved into my house together and were roomates. And shortly after, I met J. She HATED it. She hated that I was spending time with him, and not her 24/7. She tried her hardest to get me to break up with him. She wanted me all to herself. But eventually, she accepted that I had a boyfriend now, and even though I still made plenty of time for her, I was going to spend time with J too. She moved out, J moved in, and then she started dating her boyfriend.
Things were okay for a while. But then the calls became less again, the excuses came back (thankfully none as stupid as the cat) and before I knew it, I would go months without talking to her.
One night about a week ago, she called me up hysterically crying. I couldn't even understand what she was saying. I thought maybe someone had died or been in an accident so again, being the type of friend I am, I was really concerned. Turns out she and her boyfriend had just had a fight and she thought they were going to break up. She was going on and on about how much he treats her like crap and how sick of it she was. Drama queen. I gave her some friendly advice and she asked me if I wanted to go out to lunch with her tomorrow. I said sure, it was a good idea because she and I had a lot of stuff to talk about regarding our relationship. I was going to make sure if she was going to be back in my life, it was going to be for good. The next day I get a text asking if we could reschedule to the next day. Sure no problem. And of course, the next day I get a text saying "Sorry, going to have to reschedule again. I'll let you know when." Of course I never heard from her.
Well, tonight was the nail in the coffin. I decided to give it one last shot. It's been snowing buckets here and J will be out plowing all night. So I texted her and asked her if she would like to come over tonight and watch some movies, like the good old days. All I got back was "I'm with Chris." Well, I basically lost it on her and told her where to go. No more chances.
Honestly...I don't think she even cares. I know she doesn't because she had her immature boyfriend texting for her. Which tells me she never cared about our friendship period. And it speaks a lot about her character. I'm still so angry about it. I could say so many things about her, and believe you me, I really REALLY want to. There are things I know about her that her parents don't know. But I am taking the high road. She is an insignificant flea. And I am done. I have too many other sweet and caring friends out there, I won't waste my time on her anymore.
So Amanda...If you're reading this, I sincerely hope you are happy with what you have done with our relationship. All the times I went out of my way to be there for you, and you never even gave me a second thought. I wish you a lot of luck in adulthood, because you're going to need it. Maybe when you learn how to cook a meal, and do something besides stare at yourself in the mirror and talk about how beautiful you are and how men always hit on you, then you can call yourself an adult. Just remember...There was a time when even Chris couldn't stand you because of the way you acted. When the shit hits the fan, you're on your own now babe!
We went to Philadelphia for the weekend, where I grew up. I have been wanting to get back there and see my old house, and visit with some of my old neighbors. It was important to me for J to see where I grew up and had the most amazing childhood!
We left here around 10 am Friday morning. We stopped and got some drinks and snacks for the almost 3 hour trip....First diet no-no of the weekend. We arrived in my hometown about 1 pm and had lunch at the most wonderful pizza place, Cenzos. No one, and I mean no one, does pizza like them. J even said it was the best he's ever had! We then made a trip to my old house where I grew up. What a wonderful trip down memory lane
I knocked on the door, and the owners were home and were gracious enough to let us come in and walk through it. They did an tremendous amount of work to it and it looked FABULOUS! Completely updated and just amazing. I couldn't believe how great it looked!
Then we stopped at a neighbors house. A sweet little old lady named Mrs. Moran. She was so good to me when I was a little girl. She was so happy and excited to see me! She even remembered me even after not having seen me for almost 10 years! And her cat, Mancini, who I remember from when I was a little girl, was still alive and well. I couldnt believe that! We stayed and chatted for almost an hour. I hated leaving her. I wish I could have stayed all day just chatting and filling her in on the last 8 years of my life.
We checked into hotel, took a nap, and then ate dinner at the r
estaurant where my parents met. I was also pretty much raised in this place. When I was an infant, the waitresses used to carry me around with them as they were taking orders. My parents were such regulars in this place, that they always blocked off a booth in the corner for us. No one could sit there but my family. The bartender, who was an older man in his 60's or 70's, loved me like his Grand-daughter. So much so, that I even called him "pop-pop"! They had a banquet facility in the back, with a dance floor and a place for a band. Sometimes, if a band had been playing and left the equipment, My pop-pop would take me over to the microphone, and let me sing for all people in the restaurant. He always called me his "little Shirley Temple", which is why afterward, he would let me sit at the bar, and make me his best Shirley temple drink! I lived for Friday nights when we would go there.
The restaurant has been completely renovated in the last few years. The dance floor and banquet area no longer exist, Pop-pop has since passed away, and
2 of the waitresses that would have known me had just recently retired. There was only one left, but she was off duty that night. It made me sad to see how different it was. But I could still see some of the old place in there still. Ironically, J and I were seated right next to the corner where my parents booth was. That made me smile. I can still picture my daddy and I sharing a Chocolate Mousse Cake after dinner. He always ordered the Prime Rib (which J and I had and it was AMAZING) and I always got the ravioli. Ahhh Memories
Saturday we woke up and there was a freaking blizzard outside! We had plans to go into the city and go through Historic Philadelphia. See Independence Hall, The Liberty Bell, take a horse and carriage ride through the streets. The roads were too bad though. So I spent the day showing him more around my little town...Friends houses and such. We went back by my old house again and to my surprise, 2 of my next door neighbors were out shoveling snow! I had to say hello! I walked up to them and asked if they remembered me....Mr. Hughes looked confused but when I said "It's Ashley from next door!" His face lit up like a Christmas tree! We chatted with them for a while as well.
That night J and I went out to dinner, had a few drinks and just enjoyed getting away for the weekend. Sunday morning we came home!
As much as I loved going back and seeing where I grew up...I missed my home here. I was so happy to see our house. I love my little 2 traffic light town where they roll up the sidewalks at 5 o'clock. I had a wonderful childhood back in Philadelphia....But I have had a wonderful adolescence and adulthood (so far) here in little ol' Thurmont! This is where I want to raise my children and where I want to be buried. This is my home.
And that's just what they'll do! And it's what I've been doing for the last week. There is a youtube user who I have subscribed to, and she has recently started a weight loss journey after having a baby. Her username is Familyofthreenow and she is very inspiring! She posts daily vlogs on exactly what she has eaten for the day! She is 23 days in and has already lost over 10 lbs! She talks about a walking DVD that she is using. She raved about it and said she felt awesome after doing. The DVD's are by Leslie Sansone.
You all know I've been struggling with weight loss since I stared this blog. In fact, my intentions for this blog was to be about losing weight to beat my disease PCOS. But it turned into more of a personal diary then chronicling weight loss. But watching her youtube videos inspired me to finally do something about it. So last week I went to Walmart and picked up a couple of the Leslie Sansone DVD's. Now, I HATE working out. I loathe it. I hate that feeling of being out of breath and tired. But I was determined to give this a try. So I did. And I LOVED LOVED LOVED IT!
The workouts are simple, yet intense. It's not just walking in place. She has you doing a bunch of aerobic moves as well. But it's nothing too complicated. See, I'm not a very coordinated person. I can't pat my head and rub my belly at the same time. But her moves are easy and effective. I bought two 3 mile DVD's. The first one is just a simple warm up, then increasing speed for 3 miles. I did that one for the first few days. The second one is a faster warmup for the first 5 minutes, and then you break into an intense fast paced walk for 3 miles. I LOVE this one. And she always has you do some stretching at the end.
I've already lost 3 lbs since starting the walking!! I've been doing the full 3 miles first thing in the morning, and then at night sometime after dinner. I feel so amazing during the day and it's been helping me to sleep at night!
Tonight, I was so pumped up from doing the 3 miles that when I was done, I actually went upstairs to the office and asked J if he would help me do some sit-ups and push ups. He kinda looked at me with that deer in headlights look. I don't think he thought it was really me. He probably thought it was some weird, motivated robot of the Ashley he knows and loves. But I was so pumped and wanted to work out some more!
Leslie said something in her DVD that really make me think..... "If you can get out of bed in the morning and walk to your tv, or your computer...YOU ARE HEALTHY ENOUGH TO WALK!" Amen sister! This makes me think of certain people I know who are all "Ohhhhh but I aaaaaache. My bones hurt. My joints hurt" Well DUH! It's cause you're not moving! Get up and move and see how quickly your health will perk up, and how much better you feel!
This is the start of a brand new Ashley! I'm already feeling great, and I have been making healthier choices with eating as well! Size 5, here I come!!!!!!!!!!!
Happy 2011 everyone! I still can't believe how fast this year went by. I've decided to quit that little 30 day project. I just don't have the time to come on everyday and update. I do however want to do a fun little thing I found on a friend blog. It's a decade review. A look back on the last 10 years of my life.
2000: Bad year. After a 2 year battle with lung cancer, my dad went to heaven on October 23rd. I was only 11, and I may have had 11 years with him but it was not enough. No one should grow up without their father.
- I started middle school! Woohoo! I think that was pretty much it. It was enough
2001: I started getting into fashion and makeup. Helloooo girlyness!
-I got even more boy crazy and had about 5 different "boyfriends" that year. 2 of which are now in lovely relationships with their "life partners". I know how to pick em!
-Road trip with my bestie!! We had such fun singing the whole way down to our destination. We sang all the songs from Buffy the Musical.
2002: - I started getting rebellious and sneaking out of the house at night with my friend
- My best friend and I devised a plan to have our parents get together so we could be sisters. This never came to fruition.
- I went away to summer camp at camp Lohikan for 8 weeks!
-I had a wonderful summer romance with a boy named Mike Maguire. At the end of the summer while we were all getting on our buses to go home, we kissed, but never exchanged phone numbers or emails. I have never seen him again.
-I met, and started dating the ex that I talk about on here (the one who put me through hell.)
- My mom and I moved to a town in Maryland, where I live to this day
2003: - I started a new school and made some of the best friends I have ever had.
- I landed a lead role in the spring musical Annie, and it was one of the most amazing experiences of my life.
-My ex and his *cringe* mother, came to visit me and watched me perform at the musical
- I went to New York for 2 weeks to visit my ex, and had an amazing time seeing the city and all the sites.
- I started high school!
- Got my first job at Burger King! I hated it!
- The ex and his mother moved to my town and I *thought* I was in heaven
- The ex and I became the "Corey and Topanga" of our school, and everyone wanted what we had.
- Spent Christmas with the ex since my mom was in Florida taking care of my Grandmother who had a heart attack. We were violently ill with the flu the whole time.
2004: - v card.
- Ex's mother reared her ugly head and ruined any chance she ever had at a relationship with anyone in my family. I was dumb enough to defend her back then.
- Ex's step-dad was released from prison after a 4 year stay. I met him for the first time. He was a nice guy despite his mistakes.
2005- Ex was forced to drop out of school. His mother wanted him to work full time so he could pay all of her bills. Lazy.
-Had my tonsils out. I would not ever do that again if I had the chance.
- They were evicted from their apartment and moved about 30 miles away over the mountain. I thought this was the end of the world.
- I turned 16!!
- Got a job at CVS Pharmacy
- Got my first Puppy, Pomeranian named Mimi
- Ex and I broke up for a while
- I started dating a guy named Jeremy.
2006: - Brought in the new year with my mom and Jeremy by watching the Grainery in my town burn down
-Broke up with Jeremy, got back with Nick
-All my weekends were now spent over the mountain with Nick's family. I never saw my friends and rarely saw my family. I was so dumb
- Got my second Pomeranian, Putter!
- Started missing lots of school due to chronic illnesses and RLS (Restless Leg Syndrome)
2007- My mom signed me out of public school because they were all idiots there. I was put into a homeschooling program.
-The funding for the homeschooling program was dropped (It was a pilot program) so I was considered a "Drop out" now.
- I got engaged
- Started planning a wedding for April 18, 2008
- I got cold feet and realized I was way too young, and called off the wedding. But still dated Nick.
- I moved to Florida...Worst decision I ever made
- 2 days after the move I got a job at a telemarketing scam company
-5 months later I was fired for not being able to scam people good enough.
- 2 weeks later I landed my dream job as a receptionist for a small company
- 2 weeks after that I was promoted to Administrative Assistant
-I got my GED!
2008: -Rang in the new year feigning happiness and wishing I was back in Maryland with people who really cared about me.
- Nick's step-dad, who was dying from liver disease, was getting worse and worse. This made me sad. He and I always used to have little chats about how he thought I deserved better, and how he wish he could leave his wife, but he felt bad cause he knew she would never find anyone else.
-Nick and I moved the eff out of his moms house...5 minutes away to his dads. 5 minutes. Yet his mother resented me because "I was taking her son away from her" boooo hooo.
- Nicks' step-dad passed away. One of the saddest moments of my life.
- I was laid off from my job and decided to move back home to Maryland. Nick chose not to come with me.
- We broke up
- I stared a job at UHC, and made some of the best friends that I can still call my best friends to this day.
- I moved out! I got my own apartment!
-I started seeing that Jeremy guy again. His nickname was now "The starer"
- I quit UHC because it was the most corrupt company I have ever worked for
- Nick got his claws back into me and came to visit me over the holidays.
- We were sooooooo in love again and somehow, he convinced me to break the lease on my apartment (I hadnt been there but 5 months) and move back to Florida with him.
- Got re-engaged on Christmas day
2009: -Found out I was pregnant
- Had a miscarriage
- Caught him cheating
-Moved back to maryland again
-Bought a house!! Woot!
-Met a guy named J....Who was this strange redneck in my house?
- Started crushing on J
-Started dating J "He's more like Mr. Right now...."
- Fell head over heels in love
2010: - J moved in!
- Pretty much ever since then you can read about everything thats happened in my life on my blog!
Would you believe this took me 3 days to finish? Holy crapoli, 10 years is a long time!
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