I am cursed.

This is the only sane answer I can come up with. I must be cursed. Or it's good old *my last name* luck striking again!

I was laid off. Again. Totally unexpected and out of the blue.

And I am pissed. I let my former employer know it too.

Today I walked into work roughly 10 minutes before 9 am (I am always early), sat down at my desk and started filing through the new leads that had come in for the day. My boss whizzed past me without even a hi or good morning...Highly suspect. He looked at me and asked me to come into his office. Oh boy.

I was expecting to be filled in on the crisis of the day or something about a client canceling on us. I was WAY off. Instead, in a totally monotone, uncaring voice I hear:

"I have to let you go. Were going out of business. I needed to make a certain amount of money by a certain time in order to stay open. I didn't do it, so today is your last day. You can leave now. Sorry."

The first few things that went through my head were "I can't believe this is happening again" and "I could cry right now just thinking about how J will have to go back to being responsible for all the bills." And then...I really started to get angry. Angry about what was happening, and angry that my boss was so nonchalant about the whole thing. No compassion. No sympathy.

I let him have it. First of all I told him how terrible it was that he would do this the WEEK before Christmas. I had made several comments to him the last few weeks how I had not even STARTED Christmas shopping yet because my last few paychecks went to getting out of debt and paying bills. And then I voiced my opinion on how crappy I thought it was that he did not tell me at the end of the day yesterday, or called me early in the morning. Instead, I had to drive 30 miles and use all that gas to go to work for literally 2 minutes, only to be told to go home and never come back. All I got in response was "Sorry. I'll pay you for the whole day. Your last check will be mailed."

And I walked out. FUMING.

I called J on the way home, bawling, asking him to please forgive me. This was so not fair to him. He has been so amazing paying all the bills while I was out of work for 6 months. I had only been here 2 months!!!!!! Now he was going to have to do it again. He told me just to calm down and come home and we would talk more about it.

Lucky for me....I have a pretty amazing man in my life. I can't even begin to describe how blessed I am. I thought for sure J would resent me or feel taken advantage of. I thought for sure that when I got home I would be met by a grump boyfriend who was going to have dollar signs spinning in his eyes. Not that I think that J is this kind of person... I think anyone would feel like this. But I underestimated him. Instead of the horror I had imagined, I got a big hug and kiss and all the support in the world. "Money is not an issue honey. Don't worry about a thing. I like providing for our family." How did I get so lucky? I still don't get it.

Despite J's reassurance, I still worry like a maniac. The second I got home I got right online and started applying everywhere I could think of. Anywhere that would take me. Even though he's fine with it, I don't want all the responsibility falling on J. It's just not right. If we had kids for me to take care of all day, it would be one thing. But I can't just cook and clean and use our electric, eat our food, and use J's money to go shopping without contributing something to our finances.

The only other thing I can come up with is maybe all these lay offs is God's way of telling me that I am destined to be a stay at home wife. I wouldn't mind it. I like the whole domestic thing. I love seeing J's face light up when the house is perfect, and dinner is on the table. But I can't help but feel those pangs of guilt. I know all too well what it's like to be the only one seeing your money dwindle down while the other person is in a state of ignorant bliss thinking you're made of money.

I'm just praying for permanence. And peace of mind. Right now, the only concrete thing in my life is the love that J and I share. That is something that will NEVER be broken.