Coming Clean

So there has been a particular event in my life that I have kept under wraps for the last few months. J and I didn't feel like we wanted to share it with anyone at the time. Lately he and I have been thinking about it a lot, and when I think about things, I tend to dwell on them. And writing helps me get rid of that feeling of wanting to dwell so, here I am.

Back in the first week of August, J and I found out we were pregnant. And just as quickly as we found out, it was over.

Basically what happened was we went on vacation in July, had a blast! The day we returned, I had that AWFUL kidney stone attack. My first kidney stone I passed in 24 hours of the attack. No problems. This one, however, took me over 2 weeks to pass. I couldn't stop throwing up, I was passing out...Constantly peeing but never passing the stone. Finally it ended and I started feeling like myself again, but never felt quite right.

A week or so later, I went to my OBGYN to have some testing done and some bloodwork drawn to keep an eye on my blood levels. 6 months prior, I had the blood test done for ovarian cancer and my bloodwork came back suspicious. So I was having it rechecked. While I was having that done I mentioned to my Dr. that I hadn't had a period in a while. I told him about my kidney stone experience and how I just didn't feel right. He decided to do a blood test to check for pregnancy. The lab was right in the office so about 30 minutes later, He came back in and said "I have good news! You're bloodwork came back normal. We don't have any reason to suspect that you have cancer!" As if that wasn't news enough...."Oh...And, you're pregnant!" I was shocked. SHOCKED. Thrilled, and shocked. I had a stupid grin on my face. I cried, clutched my belly and silently thanked God for this unexpected, but wonderful miracle. It hadn't been something J and I were planning on this soon, but a baby is a miracle. period.

I've had previous miscarriages so I am and always will be considered high risk. So he wanted to do an ultrasound right then and there. I changed into a gown and had a trans-vaginal ultrasound since I wasn't very far along. I was shaking with anticipation, anxious to get home and tell J.

I could see the little bean on the screen in plain sight. GAHHHH!! OMG it was true! There was a baby inside of me! She moved it around a little, begining to look a little concerned. He couldn't find a heartbeat. It was still early though, and it's common to not always hear it in early stages. But then the devstating news came...."Ashley....based on your last period you are 6 weeks and 5 days. However, the fetus (I hate that he used that word) is only measuring 4 weeks and 2 days. I'm afraid there is no sign of progress for this pregnancy. You've had a miscarriage."

My whole world began and ended in 5 minutes time. For 5 minutes, I was a mother. No...I take that back. I still consider myself a mother to my angel babies.

I have changed drs since this experience. As I was walking out of the room, he asked me if I wanted a picture of the ultrasound.....I just stared at him. He could tell I was offended and quickly said "Some people like them to use for memorials..." I just shoook my head, paid for my visit and got into my car. I sobbed the whole way home. Like ugly snot dripping out of my nose, drooling everywhere kind of sobbing. I went to Popeye's to pick up lunch for J and I, as promised, and headed home. When I got there, J was all excited for his food. But he saw the look on my face. His immediate thought was that I had cancer. Afterall, that is what the visit was supposed to be about.

I told him everything. And he held me and we sobbed together. I had never seen him like that before. I didn't like it. the rest of the night was pretty much a blurr. But I will tell you...It was nice having support this time. When I was with my ex, and had my miscarriage...I was at work, in the office by myself. In the bathroom. I miscarried that baby in the bathroom of a dirty office, with my ex on the phone going "Can you stop screaming so loud? I'm trying to watch the cutscene of the game!" No joke.

I went in the next morning for a D&C. They did another ultrasound just to make sure. I didn't even look at the screen because I knew already. I didn't want to see that again.

J and I shed many many tears for the next few weeks. But it got easier. Until now. For almost a year, I've been blogging about my life and my thoughts, and my struggles as a miscarriage survivor. Those of you who have been through it know how difficult it can be learning of new pregnancies...even if you are genuinley happy for them. 2 people in my family just found out they are pregnant. And while I am SO happy for them..like ridiculously happy....it's hard for me to think "Wow...I would be almost 5 months pregnant right now."

But I just keep repeating my mantra "someday someday someday". 'Honestly, a baby right now would of course, be a blessing, but not something J and I are really ready for. Were both getting settled in our careers and working on our life. I'd like to do things the old fashioned way "first comes love then comes marriage, then the baby in the carriage". I wish God had blessed me with more pacience.

Well, this turned out to be a long one. But there was a lot to tell. Im sure I missed something, but I'll spare you the details.