I'm not dead.

Good gracious, it's been a long time since I update this thing! Is anyone even still out there?

So much to update on, where do I begin?!

I guess I will start with the shining beacon of light in my life: Mackenzie. She will be 17 months old on the 24th! AHHHHHH!!!!! That's 7 months away from 2, people! I've already started planning her 2nd birthday party. We are doing a Princess theme, but not the cheesy bright pinks and yellow and Disney kind of princess. Very Shabby Chic. Pale pinks, golds, and creams. My Pinterest board is chock full of fun ideas!

She had her 15 month check up yesterday. We are a couple months behind because there was a screw up with our insurance which made us a little delayed. It was funny....They gave me this little questionnaire to fill out at her appointment. It was a bunch of milestone questions. What I failed to realize is that they gave me the 18 month form instead of the 15 month. The doctor started to say "Oh, this won't be correct since she's only- Oh...She's already hit these milestones? Oh, well she is way ahead of the curve!" But I'm not bragging or anything. ;)

She is 28 lbs, and 31 inches. That's 82nd percentile for weight and 38th percentile for height. So looks like right now she is going to be short and chubby like her Mama! We get that from my Dad's side of the family. He was a pretty average height and weight for a man, but his sister was short and chubby. 

She is walking/running/jumping like a champ. She has a ton of words. The only thing she doesn't really do yet is start putting a sentence together. The most she says are 2 word phrases like "thank you" and "love you", and even they aren't very clear. You can tell that is what she is trying to say though.

Some of her words are: Mama, Dada, baba, dog-dog, Cash (the dogs actual name), kitty, please, thank you, love you, bunny, Manda (for Aunt Amanda), yellow, blue, red, Nana, GG (great-grandma), hi, bye, bear, book.

She LOVES imitating noises! If you ask her what the lion says, she will growl. If you ask her what the duck says, she will quack. She does it with dog, cat, horse, cow, and pig too. So cute!

She knows all of her body parts. And as if time wasn't going by fast enough, she is showing signs of being ready for potty training. She will say "pee-pee" and then hold her private area. AHHHH! I am not ready for this!

When I had my early gender ultrasound at 16 weeks, she was showing off her acrobatic skills by putting her legs over her head. I said she was either going to be a gymnast or a cheerleader. That has clearly transferred over from the womb, because the chickidee LOVES to dance and do crazy stunts! Future Olympic Gold Medalist? I think so!

Wedding planning. I have done nothing. Literally nothing. And I only have 8 months left. I don't even want to talk about it, because I want to throw up just thinking about all the things I have to do. J and I have both been working SO much, there is just no time to do anything. So I'll just leave it at this: At this point, I would be thrilled with just going to the courthouse and getting married. I love J. We have a family. I couldn't ask for anything more. I don't care about a wedding and the dress and flowers and the whole thing. J, however, is the one who wants the wedding. Honestly, I think he just knows me well enough to know that 10 years from now I would look back and wish we had done a wedding.

J and I have been dealing with some pretty stressful issues lately. Not with each other! They actually have made our relationship so much more solid. I couldn't ask for a better husband, really. He is truly my soulmate and always there for me to back me up when I need him. And even if I don't say a word...We have this connection where he instantly knows when something is wrong, and he takes care of it without even so much as mentioning it to me. I just want the issues to end. It's a very unfortunate situation that involves people I care for very deeply. *edited because I went into a little more detail than I felt comfortable with, and decided it just wasn't the time or place to vent. Lord only knows who's reading this.*

Anyway, I think I've covered pretty much everything! Hopefully it's not another 2 months before I update again. I need to upload recent pictures of Mackenzie...Stay tuned!

Better days ahead...I hope

2012 kind of sucked the big one.

Aside from getting engaged and watching my beautiful daughter grow up, it was full of crappy moments, even right down to the last second.

First of all, my Uncle passed away 2 days after Christmas. I knew it was coming, honestly. He was so sick. I just didn't think it would happen this soon. He went into the hospital the day after Christmas with Pneumonia and with all of his medical issues, his body just shut down. It didn't take long and he was in no pain.

I got to ring in the new year by myself, sick as a dog with the flu. YAY! J was already in bed thanks to this lovely winter job.

Work has been extremely stressful to say the least. We are so busy, so understaffed, and SO underpaid. But eh, it's where I need to be right now if I want to achieve my goals.

Right when I started to feel better, Mackenzie came down with an upper respiratory infection and ear infection. She was so sick, poor thing. But the doc fixed her up with some Amoxicillin and she was feeling so much better after a couple doses. It is amazing to me how Josh didn't catch anything that was floating around here. I did Lysol the shit out of everything though.

She has some new words! She says "baba" for bottle. She calls the dog "dog-dog". I guess she is in the say-everything-twice stage right now. She also says "love you"! So cute. If you ask her "what does the doggy say?" She'll go "woof woof!" And she will meow when you ask her the same about a kitty. She knows all of her basic body parts- nose, eyes, ears, mouth, fingers, feet and belly. She will even point to her heart!

I am amazed every single day at how much she grows overnight. Where did my itty-bitty go? I just love her so much, it almost hurts.

And with that sentiment, I feel I should address something. I have kept up with the blog now for almost 3 years. It has been a wonderful outlet for me. Even when I was a kid, I could never keep up with a diary, so it surprises me that I have kept current with this. I don't know who reads it. I don't really care. It's been such a helpful way for me to vent when I have personal problems.

There are some people out there, who think I am a less than stellar mother. I will not name names. They know who they are. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, of course. But I am so God damn tired of having to live up to other people's standard of what they think I should be.

You may be an anal retentive, OCD control freak (am I channeling RENT?) Great. I'm not.
You have your certain way of doing things. Awesome. So do I.
You may have a perfect grasp on balancing housework, work work, and family. Nice. I'm a little over a year into it. I'll get there.

But before you decide to go spouting off about my parenting skills, perhaps you will remember to get ALL the facts, lest you end up with egg on your face and walking away with your tail tucked between your legs.

That feels better. Moving on, people. Nothin' to see here!

From our family, to yours.

I am so thankful to be able to spend Christmas with all of my friends and family who I love. I was having a bit of trouble getting into the Christmas spirit this year, simply because of the Sandy Hook tragedy.

And then someone sent me this poem. I was at work when I read it, and I sat there on my lunch break and cried and sobbed. It's sad to think about those children, but something about this poem was just so comforting. Knowing that they are really celebrating the best Christmas EVER.

Twas' 11 days before Christmas, around 9:38
when 20 beautiful children stormed through heaven's gate.
their smiles were contagious, their laughter filled the air.
they could hardly believe all the beauty they saw there.
they were filled with such joy, they didn't know what to say.
they remembered nothing of what had happened earlier that day.
"where are we?" asked a little girl, as quiet as a mouse.
"this is heaven." declared a small boy. "we're spending Christmas at God's house."
when what to their wondering eyes did appear,
but Jesus, their savior, the children gathered near.
He looked at them and smiled, and they smiled just the same.
then He opened His arms and He called them by name.
and in that moment was joy, that only heaven can bring
those children all flew into the arms of their King
and as they lingered in the warmth of His embrace,
one small girl turned and looked at Jesus' face.
and as if He could read all the questions she had
He gently whispered to her, "I'll take care of mom and dad."
then He looked down on earth, the world far below
He saw all of the hurt, the sorrow, and woe
then He closed His eyes and He outstretched His hand,
"Let My power and presence re-enter this land!"
"may this country be delivered from the hands of fools"
"I'm taking back my nation. I'm taking back my schools!"
then He and the children stood up without a sound.
"come now my children, let me show you around."
excitement filled the space, some skipped and some ran.
all displaying enthusiasm that only a small child can.
and i heard Him proclaim as He walked out of sight,
"in the midst of this darkness, I AM STILL THE LIGHT."

Written by Cameo Smith, Mt. Wolf, PA

I look at my daughter, who has a cold right now and has been such a trooper, and I cry because of how lucky I am. I never thought I would have her. And yet, she is upstairs asleep in her bed right now. How lucky am I?

I know too many people who are struggling with infertility right now. My heart breaks for them. I was there at one time not too long ago. When J and I first met, he said he didn't want kids. My heart was in my throat when I heard him say that because having kids was something I really looked forward to. As our relationship went on, I had resigned myself to the fact that I would not ever be a mother. I loved this man, and I couldn't make him do something he didn't want to do. I loved him so much, that I was willing to keep up my dream. And then one magical January weekend in Philadelphia, a moment changed our lives forever. I asked J the other night if he liked be a dad. His response? "I feel like it was what I was put here on earth to do. I love it more than I ever thought I could." And you can tell, just by watching him with Mackenzie. He is the most wonderful father. I'm not going to lie, it's something I worried about when I was pregnant. We were both young, him being only 19 when we found out I was pregnant. We were still into the partying every weekend lifestyle. I felt SO guilty that I was taking that away from him. I thought he was going to resent me for it. But we have learned to balance family and fun very well.

Just because we have a child, doesn't mean we can't have fun. More planning goes into a "party weekend", but it's not so different. The kiddo goes to bed, and we have some friends over for drinks and board games! And the wonderful part is, our friends have been SO GREAT. We are the first of our group to have kids, but everyone is SO family oriented. They don't mind that we can't just up and go out to dinner on a whim. They don't mind that we can't have music blaring until the wee hours of the morning. We are truly blessed with some great people tonight.

This blog is kind of all over the place, isn't it? I haven't really blogged in a while and I suppose all my thoughts are just spilling out.

I have lots of pictures to put in here, so I guess I will wrap this up!

"And I heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sigh: Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"

No words.

You all know.....Nothing even needs to be said.

20 babies. 20 precious little angels. Gone. For no reason.

I can't....I really just can't.

I will leave you with 2 thoughts......

And my personal favorite:

"The only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun, is a good guy with a gun."
                                                                                -Wayne LaPierre

It's the most wonderful time of the year!

I can't believe it's already Christmas again! This time last year, Mackenzie was only 3 months old. She was so tiny. The extent of her skills were smiling, laughing, and explosive poops.

Now she is walking, talking, singing....She is a little person now!

We are keeping it pretty low key for Christmas this year. I have been working like crazy, J has picked up a job for the off season...The schedule is GREAT. The only sucky part is that he will have to work Christmas day. BOOOO! He's only going to be there until March, and the pay is a lot more than he'd be getting with the seasonal worker unemployment, so we are happy!

We took Mackenzie to see Santa a few weeks ago! It is AMAZING to look at her picture from last year, and the one this year. She is so beautiful. I have been so blessed with an amazing little girl!

Our tree is pathetic this year. When we did our spring cleaning last year, J accidentally threw out a couple pieces to our tree. We didn't want to spend the money on a new one this year, because we are saving up to get a new car come February, so I just went to the dollar store and picked up a dinky little 25 dollar tree. Our house isn't huge, so it's actually a much better fit then the old tree. I would love to have a real tree, like I always did growing up. But J and I learned very quickly our first Christmas together, that it wasn't possible. We had picked out a tree, and stuffed it into the back of my little Volkswagon Beatle. All of a sudden, J broke out head to toe in hives, and his throat started to close up! Of course, he was allergic to the Christmas tree, as he is to most trees. Gee, he's in the right profession, isn't he? A professional landscaper who is allergic to grass and trees!

Wedding plans are.....Well...They're going. Somewhat. I have been SO bad about planning. Work has been SO busy and I am beat by the time I get home. I work most weekends so it's hard to get things done. I used my last 2 days off to finally pin down the caterer, get a quote for a DJ, sign the contract with the photographer, and make an appointment with a florist. On top of that, I've been studying and taking training seminars for my certification for work. I take my state boards in January! WOOT!

That's about all to report for now! I leave you with some pictures!

 Mackenzie last year, and Mackenzie this year! What a difference!!!

Our sad, sad little tree.

Happy Thanksgiving!

From our family, to yours! I hope everyone enjoys their day with their loved ones!

Sorry I have been scarce...I'm back to work full time and also training/studying for my pharmacy boards to become nationally certified. I'll do an update on the job soon!

Wedding planning will be another update. Until then, just enjoy the holiday and remember to give thanks!

God bless the USA

Cause we are surely going to need it!!!