It's the Final Countdown

I promised myself I wouldn't be making any wedding updates or countdowns during the duration of our engagement. Mainly because I didn't want to jinx anything. But also because this isn't supposed to feel like a wedding. I don't even like calling it a wedding, but I really don't know what else to call it. "A celebration of love" just sounds way too cheesy.

9 weeks, people. When we get past the 4 week mark, I think I'll be able to breathe a little easier. But honestly, I have no bad feelings. This time last year, despite everything being seemingly okay, I was still freaking out. I was dreading our "big day". All the planning and executing it all just right and who sits where, and who enters at what time, and at what point during the processional did this person need to start walking at this pace....It was a nightmare. There is none of that this time. Although, our little 15 people event has grown substantially. But that is mainly because some broken relationships have been mended, and with that, comes more important people back in our lives. I don't mind at all. The more, the merrier I say at this point!

The plan for the day is this- Short and sweet ceremony in J's mom's back field. "I do, I do...You may now kiss your bride...." Done. A good friend of ours who does photography as a hobby and is brilliant, has agreed to take pictures for us. What an angel! So we will be having professional photography. We are doing picnic style food, all homemade. For music, we will be hooking up our ipod to the speakers J's mom has surrounding her property. No DJ needed! Another good friend of ours is a baker and cake decorator, so she is doing the cake for us. So basically it's just food, drinks, music, and a big bonfire to top off the night. I found a pretty ivory lace dress at DEB, it's a high-low style which is exactly what I wanted. I'll be wearing Cowboy boots with it. Cliche? Maybe...But it looks good! I don't care what Josh wears lol. Honestly, at this point, a tux is way too formal. He could come in jeans and I wouldn't care. Same goes for the guests. As long as everyone is comfortable and having a good time.

It's crazy how things change. I used to be one of those people who would scrunch up my nose and roll my eyes at the prospect of someone wearing anything but a gown and a tuxedo to a wedding. I saw a wedding where the groom wore jeans, a flannel shirt, and a cowboy hat and I thought "Oh my God, how trashy!" Granted....The couple getting married had known each other for about 5 minutes and were pretty undesirable people. But who am I to judge? It's really not about the day.

When J asked me to marry him again, I truly just wanted to go to the Courthouse and not have anyone involved. Just do it quietly and tell everyone later. He knew better though. So we compromised on this. And it's working out beautifully. We are BOTH so excited, and we can feel the excitement in each other. Which is something that is very different from last time.

That's not to say our relationship has been all sunshine and rainbows since we got back together. We have had our moments. But we have learned how to get past it, instead of dwelling on it and using it later on in another fight. Fighting is inevitable. It's something that will always happen. But at least we know how to "fight fair" and effectively.

I'm sure there are people out there who are rooting for this to fail. I guess for juicy gossip and drama. Hey, I like drama as much as the next person. People who say they don't like drama are liars. You like it. You just don't like it when it's centered around you. But, you can't be picky, and you have to be able to take the heat if you want to stay in the kitchen.

Only 5 weeks until we get to the 4 week mark. History doesn't always have to repeat itself.

So.Hi.

*crawls out from under her rock and looks around*
What year is it?

So the last time I updated this thing, I was in a very very dark place in my life. Good lord, I was a mess. I don't even want to think about everything that happened back then. You know....People think they know how they will handle a situation when it comes up. I always pictured myself as being the breezy "I'll show you how better off I am without you" type of single woman. But I was completely lost.  I was so sad for my daughter and so sad for myself. I knew Kenzie would be okay through it all, as she was still seeing J regularly and was a very happy little girl. But me? I was really sinking fast.

People- If you take nothing else away from this blog, take this. If you ever go through something like this, or something that totally devastates you, NEVER EVER let ANYONE make you feel like you're a bad person for being sad. Or for being worried about yourself. I had a lot of people tell me I was a "shitty mom" for saying I was more worried about myself than my daughter. And the reason I felt that way, was because as I stated above, a good bit of normalcy was maintained for her sake. I did my best to put on a happy face for her, and she saw J often. She was surrounded by so much love and affection, she was probably sick of it. But if you don't allow yourself to be selfish, and to take care of yourself, there is NO way you will be able to be a good parent. The first rule in life is to take care of YOURSELF.

There have been a lot of changes since the end of September. All of them good changes, I am happy to report. J moved back home right before Thanksgiving. He moved home on the condition that we would go to counseling. And I truly believe this is what really saved our relationship.

During our time apart, he came to a realization about himself and some issues he was having. And he took amazing steps to get them under control. I could not be more proud of him for the strength and courage it took.

I also changed quite a bit. I learned to be more independent. I realized I could make it on my own if I ever needed to. I really started focusing on my education and career and I went back to school. I'm excited to say that I will be graduating in May! Yippee!!

Our relationship is, surprisingly, the best it has ever been probably since we first started dating. And I attribute much of that to fixing our issues during our separation, and also the counseling. We have learned how to communicate much more effectively now. We have let go of the past, and all the resentment that came with it. It was a fresh start. Like falling in love all over again.

We have talked about our future off and on since he came home. About what him moving back in means. Does it mean we are starting from scratch? Do we pick up where we left off? Ultimately we decided to play it by ear, continue with the counseling, and see if we were just in a "honeymoon period" for the first few weeks of him being home, or if we really have changed. Proud to say we definitely have changed.

Along with that, the subject of marriage has come up off and on. After everything that happened, would people even take our relationship seriously anymore? I know if I were an outsider looking in, I would probably side-eye the hell out of someone jumping into marriage right away. So imagine my absolute SHOCK, when J asked me to marry him a few days ago. Yep. You read that right. The dude who called off our wedding 30 days before the big day, asked me to marry him again 3 months of moving back in.

My heart was screaming "YES YES YES YES YES!!!!" And that is what I really wanted to say. Even throughout our separation, I always knew I loved him. I always knew we would eventually find our way back to each other. It was just one of those gut feelings. A woman's intuition, if you will. And I never gave up on that hope. But I said no. My mind was telling me "people are going to think you are NUTS. Not enough time has passed. You're rushing it."

J understood. But we continued talking about it. My biggest fear, was that he was feeling pressured into this. We had just attended the wedding of a friend and he could see it was kind of painful for me. It was for him as well. A million people around us were getting engaged and I had been a little mopey about it. Not because I wanted him to ask me or anything. But...I mean- we were supposed to be husband and wife right now. And it does sting. So all I kept thinking was that he was doing this to make me feel better. And we will go through this whole song and dance again, and he will call it off a month before...AGAIN. He understood why I would feel this way. But he reassured me that this was 100% his choice. He had been thinking about it basically since he moved home. He said it didn't matter to him if 100 years go by. There would never be someone else who he could be in love with. What does it matter that it didn't pan out the first time? Shit happens. He wasn't ready then. He went about it all the wrong way, but IMO, it was better than us going through with it, then having to go through a divorce process. But he is  ready now. Screw what people think. It doesn't matter, as long as we are happy, healthy, and together with our daughter. He wouldn't be doing this, after everything that has happened, if he wasn't 10000% ready to be a husband. These are all his words, by the way.

So....I said yes. I SAID YES! And we will do it September 6, 2014. Almost 6 months from now. Nothing fancy. We have come to realize who our true friends are, and who the people who really love us are, during this whole ordeal. And those will be the people who will be there. The people we couldn't imagine having this moment without. Probably about 15-20 people MAX. No bridal party, no big fancy venue. Just a beautifully landscaped backyard, good food and drinks, good music, greats company, and lots of love!

So there you have it, folks. Judge away! But guess what? It doesn't matter. Because we are happy, and we are a family who is stronger than ever before.

Drowning

I'm just going to type. And type and type and type. I don't give a fuck who reads it. I don't give a fuck who thinks I'm being a whiny drama queen. I don't care if you think I'm the most unstable, selfish, horrible person in the world. I just don't give any fucks at all.

It's been almost a month since J called off the wedding and left me and moved 45 minutes away to a different state. Partly because of his own stupid fuck ups that he has refused to change over the last 4 years and have only gotten worse, and partly because of MY stupid fucks ups that haven't changed and have only gotten worse.

And then came the "I love you. I miss you. I know this can work. We just need to start over and take things slow" texts. And the "Of course! Counseling is a great idea!" texts. And the "Will you be my girl again?" text a la the way he asked me out 4 years ago. And for a bright, shining moment. I thought we would make it.

I interviewed for an awesome job. Was told the position was mine. Then the excuses started to come. "Oh well...We need to get the new database up and running so it'll be a few weeks. Oh well...The girl you will be replacing is staying a little longer to help with the database." "Oh...So sorry. She's decided to stay."

Luckily, another job fell right into my lap, and was even more perfect then the one that screwed me over. It's been secured. I am elated. But is he? Nope. Because apparently "I never finish anything I start..." Yeah....Because I had total control over what that other place did. Nothing...and I mean NOTHING I did/do has ever been good enough.

People who were once my best friends now don't even acknowledge me. Because this whole thing is all my fault. At least that's what they've been told to believe.

And now here I am.....replaying the phone conversation in my head.... "It's not going to work. I don't even care. I'm hanging up. *click*"

AND I CAN'T FUCKING BREATHE.

I know people who have had spouses die. Who have lost children and babies. Who have terminal illnesses. And right now...All I can think about is the pain I'm feeling. And I am wondering is this what it feels like to go through what those people are going through? Because if it is, please someone just put a bullet in me now.

I care about nothing. Everything seems absolutely pointless. Sleeping is pointless, waking up is pointless, watching my daughter play and laugh and grow is pointless. And I hate it. I should be shot for feeling this way. A mother is supposed to put her child's needs before her own. And I can't. I just can't. This pain is all consuming.

I had something I loved so much. SO MUCH. I can't tell you people enough how much I loved this man. Just go back and read all the fucking blog posts over the last 4 years. That wouldn't even cover a fraction of it. And it was ripped away from me. Then it was given back. And then ripped away from me again.

I'm drowning in my own tears.God help me. I don't know what the hell to do.

Warning: This will probably be deleted later. I just needed to get this out because I am so fucking sick of pretending that I am strong and I can do the single mom thing. Because I can't right now.

"Well look who's here...."

Gotta love Bette Middler in Beaches. One of my favorite movies. It is the movie my dad took my mom to see on their first date. And the song Wind Beneath my Wings is a very special song that my dad and I shared. Gosh, I miss him....

Anyway.... You have every right to say that line in the snarky attitude that Bette gives. I haven't posted in over 3 months! Holy cow! So much has been going on, and to be honest.....I kinda lost interest because we were going through a pretty rough patch and needed some time away to evaluate the situation.

So I am a SAHM again! Unfortunately I lost my job for an absolutely ridiculous reason that was totally their fault. But I took the blame and sheepishly signed my termination paper without a fight. I was so embarrassed and so afraid to go home and tell Josh. But once he heard the reason he totally understood that it was their fault and unfortunately, I was their scapegoat. A part of me was so happy though. It was SO SO busy at work (which plays a big part in why I was let go), and I was working mostly nights (like from 1-9) that by the time I got home, Mackenzie was already sound asleep. I barely got to spend any time with her. I mean...She would get up between 8-9 am. Eat breakfast, watch some DisneyJ.R., or some Hub, play around for a little while. By 11:30-noon she was asking for a nap. And then I had to drop her off by 12:45 at the babysitter. So essentially, I was only getting 3.5-4 hours a day with her. I missed her so much, I would be at work and my heart would just hurt.

So I've been enjoying staying at home with her. But I have always been the type of person that would love to stay at home with my kids forever, but then I would feel extremely guilty about not contributing financially to the household. And using someone else money and credit cards to buy the things we need. So I finally bit the bullet and did what I've been wanting to do for years. I registered for classes at a CC for my CNA. From there, I will enter into the Pre-nursing program and pursue my RN! I really hope to be a Labor and Delivery Nurse one day. I just remember how amazing mine were when I was in labor with Kenzie. And it really inspired me. I wanted to help people like they helped me. So I did it and I start the end of August!

However...I'm also scheduled to have back surgery sometime in August. I don't know the exact date yet, but it is happening. *Sigh*. I have 3 herniated discs now. I did the Physical Therapy....Didn't work.Then I did the spinal injections, and that just made everything 10 times worse! So my Pain Management doctor said I definitely needed surgery and referred me to the surgeon. I see her on the 7th to find out when I'll be having surgery. So this does complicate things a bit. But I will work it out.

Wedding plans are coming together. I have a nice big list of all the things we still have to do. We still need to apply for out marriage license...AHHH! Exactly 14 more weeks! Gee...Deja vu? It's like I'm counting down the weeks until Mackenzie is born all over again.

Speaking of my precious little Flower Girl....She is AMAZING. She talks all the time. I mean...She never stops. She just goes into her own little world and jibber-jabbers about anything and everything. She can say so many words I can't even begin to list all of them. And I mean....Big words...Like "television:'. She is great with words....But we have been working on phrases and forming sentences. So far, she has said "Bless your heart!" HAHAHA. Gotta love a southern belle in training! She also says "night night, daddy! Love you!" when she is going to bed. I casn't think of anything else at the moment. I'm sure she says a lot more but it escapes me. She is actually quite thin and short, which surprises me. Because I'm fat and short, and her dad is "beefy" and tall. Hmmm...I guess we'll just have to wait and see!

So much more has been going on but it's 6:30 and I need to go back to sleep for a little while! I woke up at 3 am and couldn't fall back asleep.

Keep readin'! I promise there is more to come!

Oh! And follow me on Instagram.....I'm kinda into that now!

http://instagram.com/xokenziesmamaxo

Where does the time go?

Spring has sprung!! Although, it still feels like winter here. Mother Nature can't seem to make up her mind. I think we are done with the cold weather though. the forecast for the next few weeks is in the mid 60's. Works for me!

I hope everyone who celebrates had a wonderful Easter! It was so much fun this year. Last year Mackenzie was only 6 months old and just kind of laid there like a bump on a log. This year though, she ate glorious food, went on an Easter egg hunt, blew bubbles, and went around the room just charming the pants off everyone in the family. She is exactly like I was when I was a little girl. I was practically raised in restaurants and bars (the nice up-scale bars, not the cheesy hole-in-the-wall ones). I used to just wonder up to people, climb on their lap, and ask them to tell me a story.

J was actually able to join us this year too! Last year he was working. But since he got a new job, he has so much more time off to spend with us. He absolutely loves his new job. I never thought he was going to give up the landscaping because he loved that too. And he was damn good at it. I guess he just got really tired of the crazy hours. He took a slight paycut, but it's really so worth it to have a happy husband (almost)! He'll be getting a decent raise in a couple months anyway, so really it evens out.

Mackenzie is just a ball right now. I swear, her vocabulary grows by leaps and bounds every day. I can't tell you all the words she can say now because there are just too many. She continues to shock me. I had a doctors appointment today, and in the car I said "Mommy has to go to the doctor to get a check up!" and she looked and me and then kept saying "doctor! Doctor!" I couldn't believe it. It was clear as day. She is beginning to put two word scentences together now. If she wants to be picked up she'll say "Up, please." We have been really big on teaching her please and thank you. Also, God bless you is another we have been teaching her. You can never have too many manners!

We finally got rid of the B-O-T-T-L-E. Oh my God, was it a challenge. You'd think the world was coming to an end. Sometimes I would cave and eventually give it to her, but that little sneak J went and threw all the bottles in the garbage! At first, I was getting really concerned because she REFUSED to drink milk from her sippy cup. Juice and water were fine, but no milk. She was hardly taking any in. Of course, we upped her other sources of calcium to make up for it, but still....She is finally starting to get used to having milk in her sippy instead of the bottle. She's still not where I would like her to be, but I'll take it!

Speaking of doctors...I finally am getting all my medical crapola straightened out. When my insurance changed, I had to change doctors because my PCP didn't take my new insurance. I was really bummed because I LOVED my doctor. She didn't make me feel ashamed or like I was a criminal or junkie for needing pain medication to help control my severe sciatica. She actually offered me something stronger and I refused it. I can only take 1 kind of pain medication- Hydrocodone. Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING else makes me ill. I also like taking it because I've taken it so often for different medical issues over the years,that I no longer get that loopy feeling. It still does it's job beautifully. But I don't feel like I just took 5 shots of tequila when I take  it. And that is why I will not try anything else. I don't want that feeling. I can't be "high", for lack of a better word, when I work and have a child to take care of.

Anywho- Saw my new doctor today. Got my AD's changed, and I finally got my order for an MRI to see whether or not I do indeed have a slipped disc in my back. He also ordered me a back brace he wants me to wear at work. That should help a ton. He wrote me a script for the pain medication too, but I'm trying to hold off on that to see if the back brace helps any. We shall see!

There are only 6 months left until the wedding!!! YIKES!! Of course now, there is a bunch of drama surrounding that, that I won't even get in to. Whatever happens, happens. I don't even care. All I care about is at the end of the day, I am his wife, and he is my husband.

That's all for now. I suppose I'll be back in another 2 months to update again!

I'm not dead.

Good gracious, it's been a long time since I update this thing! Is anyone even still out there?

So much to update on, where do I begin?!

I guess I will start with the shining beacon of light in my life: Mackenzie. She will be 17 months old on the 24th! AHHHHHH!!!!! That's 7 months away from 2, people! I've already started planning her 2nd birthday party. We are doing a Princess theme, but not the cheesy bright pinks and yellow and Disney kind of princess. Very Shabby Chic. Pale pinks, golds, and creams. My Pinterest board is chock full of fun ideas!

She had her 15 month check up yesterday. We are a couple months behind because there was a screw up with our insurance which made us a little delayed. It was funny....They gave me this little questionnaire to fill out at her appointment. It was a bunch of milestone questions. What I failed to realize is that they gave me the 18 month form instead of the 15 month. The doctor started to say "Oh, this won't be correct since she's only- Oh...She's already hit these milestones? Oh, well she is way ahead of the curve!" But I'm not bragging or anything. ;)

She is 28 lbs, and 31 inches. That's 82nd percentile for weight and 38th percentile for height. So looks like right now she is going to be short and chubby like her Mama! We get that from my Dad's side of the family. He was a pretty average height and weight for a man, but his sister was short and chubby. 

She is walking/running/jumping like a champ. She has a ton of words. The only thing she doesn't really do yet is start putting a sentence together. The most she says are 2 word phrases like "thank you" and "love you", and even they aren't very clear. You can tell that is what she is trying to say though.

Some of her words are: Mama, Dada, baba, dog-dog, Cash (the dogs actual name), kitty, please, thank you, love you, bunny, Manda (for Aunt Amanda), yellow, blue, red, Nana, GG (great-grandma), hi, bye, bear, book.

She LOVES imitating noises! If you ask her what the lion says, she will growl. If you ask her what the duck says, she will quack. She does it with dog, cat, horse, cow, and pig too. So cute!

She knows all of her body parts. And as if time wasn't going by fast enough, she is showing signs of being ready for potty training. She will say "pee-pee" and then hold her private area. AHHHH! I am not ready for this!

When I had my early gender ultrasound at 16 weeks, she was showing off her acrobatic skills by putting her legs over her head. I said she was either going to be a gymnast or a cheerleader. That has clearly transferred over from the womb, because the chickidee LOVES to dance and do crazy stunts! Future Olympic Gold Medalist? I think so!

Wedding planning. I have done nothing. Literally nothing. And I only have 8 months left. I don't even want to talk about it, because I want to throw up just thinking about all the things I have to do. J and I have both been working SO much, there is just no time to do anything. So I'll just leave it at this: At this point, I would be thrilled with just going to the courthouse and getting married. I love J. We have a family. I couldn't ask for anything more. I don't care about a wedding and the dress and flowers and the whole thing. J, however, is the one who wants the wedding. Honestly, I think he just knows me well enough to know that 10 years from now I would look back and wish we had done a wedding.

J and I have been dealing with some pretty stressful issues lately. Not with each other! They actually have made our relationship so much more solid. I couldn't ask for a better husband, really. He is truly my soulmate and always there for me to back me up when I need him. And even if I don't say a word...We have this connection where he instantly knows when something is wrong, and he takes care of it without even so much as mentioning it to me. I just want the issues to end. It's a very unfortunate situation that involves people I care for very deeply. *edited because I went into a little more detail than I felt comfortable with, and decided it just wasn't the time or place to vent. Lord only knows who's reading this.*

Anyway, I think I've covered pretty much everything! Hopefully it's not another 2 months before I update again. I need to upload recent pictures of Mackenzie...Stay tuned!

Better days ahead...I hope

2012 kind of sucked the big one.

Aside from getting engaged and watching my beautiful daughter grow up, it was full of crappy moments, even right down to the last second.

First of all, my Uncle passed away 2 days after Christmas. I knew it was coming, honestly. He was so sick. I just didn't think it would happen this soon. He went into the hospital the day after Christmas with Pneumonia and with all of his medical issues, his body just shut down. It didn't take long and he was in no pain.

I got to ring in the new year by myself, sick as a dog with the flu. YAY! J was already in bed thanks to this lovely winter job.

Work has been extremely stressful to say the least. We are so busy, so understaffed, and SO underpaid. But eh, it's where I need to be right now if I want to achieve my goals.

Right when I started to feel better, Mackenzie came down with an upper respiratory infection and ear infection. She was so sick, poor thing. But the doc fixed her up with some Amoxicillin and she was feeling so much better after a couple doses. It is amazing to me how Josh didn't catch anything that was floating around here. I did Lysol the shit out of everything though.

She has some new words! She says "baba" for bottle. She calls the dog "dog-dog". I guess she is in the say-everything-twice stage right now. She also says "love you"! So cute. If you ask her "what does the doggy say?" She'll go "woof woof!" And she will meow when you ask her the same about a kitty. She knows all of her basic body parts- nose, eyes, ears, mouth, fingers, feet and belly. She will even point to her heart!

I am amazed every single day at how much she grows overnight. Where did my itty-bitty go? I just love her so much, it almost hurts.

And with that sentiment, I feel I should address something. I have kept up with the blog now for almost 3 years. It has been a wonderful outlet for me. Even when I was a kid, I could never keep up with a diary, so it surprises me that I have kept current with this. I don't know who reads it. I don't really care. It's been such a helpful way for me to vent when I have personal problems.

There are some people out there, who think I am a less than stellar mother. I will not name names. They know who they are. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, of course. But I am so God damn tired of having to live up to other people's standard of what they think I should be.

You may be an anal retentive, OCD control freak (am I channeling RENT?) Great. I'm not.
You have your certain way of doing things. Awesome. So do I.
You may have a perfect grasp on balancing housework, work work, and family. Nice. I'm a little over a year into it. I'll get there.

But before you decide to go spouting off about my parenting skills, perhaps you will remember to get ALL the facts, lest you end up with egg on your face and walking away with your tail tucked between your legs.

That feels better. Moving on, people. Nothin' to see here!