It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year!

It really is! I love Christmas time! And being the first Christmas we are married, makes it extra special.

We have just been enjoying doing everything together as a complete family. Putting up and decorating the tree, watching Holiday movies, and our first year doing Elf on the Shelf! Mackenzie has been LOVING seeing where Nelson (that's what she named him) has settled in for the day each morning. This is something I have been so excited to do with her since she was born!

Earlier, I was looking back on all my old blog posts. It's crazy to see how much has changed in the last 5 years. Some good things, some not so good things... But you know, I wouldn't change anything that happened. Everything happens for a reason, and comes with a lesson. I believe there is good in everything and everyone.

Work has been crazy, but in a good way! 12 hours goes by so fast...I blink and it's one o'clock and my day is half over already! When I first started, I was getting really frustrated because I was new and needed to learn all the protocols and where things were. But now that I have been there for almost 2 months, I have settled in to my own routine and am loving it! I love all the patients I take care of (even the crazy ones!), and apparently they are loving me. Sometimes patients get asked to take these surveys after they leave, and I have been mentioned in a couple of them for very good reasons. That always makes me feel good. Sometimes it's hard to relay to a patient that you really do care about them when you have 14 patients to take care of and they all need something at the same time. You try not to make them feel you are rushing. I love to chit-chat with them as I'm doing my work, but sometimes I have to cut it short and move along to the next. And you really do get attached to some of them. I love it when a patient gets to go home, but at the same time I miss seeing them. One lady in particular I have promised to visit her in the home and watch Days of our Lives with her. I plan on keeping that promise too! Very sweet lady!

J is home more often now that it's winter. He goes into the office for a couple hours every day to do maintenance work or paperwork, but unless it snows, he's home with us. We have been loving it! I love this time, because come Spring, we won't see much of him at all. Poor guy works so hard. I'll never understand why a man who is deathly allergic to grass and trees decided to go into the field of lawn maintenance! But he loves what he does and it shows. Actually, one of my patients husbands is a client of J! We got to talking and he mentioned where he worked and I told him my husband's company takes care of their property. Turns out they actually know each other and talk on the phone all the time. He said how great everything looks. J was tickled pink when I told him this. He really takes pride in what he does.

That's pretty much everything that's been going on here. In case I don't post before than, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to everyone reading!

 

The happy family!

Outside looking in. Such a cozy sight!

 Nelson in his magical bubble bath

Hanging ornaments with Daddy

What a Difference a Year Makes.

Why hello there, readers! If there are any of you left, that is. It has been far too long since I ventured onto Blogger. So long, in fact, that I had to read my last entry to even remember where I had left off!

This time last year, my life was slowly coming back together after a few months of complete chaos. If you had asked me last year where I thought I would be today, I wouldn't think it would be where I am. Wait...What? That makes sense, right?

J and I were married on September 6, 2014! FINALLY! We did it! It was an absolutely beautiful day and I would not have changed a thing. It poured rain mere minutes before the ceremony was about to begin (everything was set to be outdoors). The tent has collapsed, the tablecloths and centerpieces had blown away. My hair was drenched and my curls fell out. And thanks to a communication error between my Matron of Honor and the Groom, J and I bumped into each other before the ceremony, while scrambling to fix everything that had been torn up during the storm. I was near tears. My brother, who last year just one day before the day and I J were supposed to be married got into a near fatal car accident and had to re-learn how to walk, arrived ready to walk me down the aisle and the clouds broke, and the sun came beaming through. I know it was our Dad smiling down on us, shining a little light on this day. Everything went perfectly from there on out. J and I exchanged some vows we had written to one another, and it was one of the most beautiful experiences of my life. Everyone laughed, and cried right along with us. After the ceremony, and some good eating, we had a bonfire, and got dirty playing in the mud pit. It was a BLAST! Looking back, I am so glad we got married this way, instead of a stuffy traditional wedding. Our wedding was so personalized, carefree, and FUN.

For our honeymoon, we spent several days at the cutest B&B near Delaware. Our room was AMAZING. I didn't want to leave. If I could have, I would have taken that bed home with me. I haven never slept as well as I did those nights. We had our own private balcony where after soaking in the giant whirlpool tub, we slipped into our robes and sat, drinking our champagne/tea, listening to the creatures in the woods behind us. It was bliss. We have decided to go back every year on our anniversary!

People always ask "does it feel different being married?" Yes. It does. The entire dynamic of our relationship has changed. I couldn't tell you why, but it has. If we have a disagreement, instead of screaming and blaming and doing all sorts of childish thing, we talk calmly and rationally. We have learned how to "let it go". We no longer hold grudges. I attribute this to the counseling we did when we decided to get back together last year. We have truly become a team.

Mackenzie is now 3! Oh goodness, am I glad 2 is over. It's almost like as soon as she turned 3, she turned into a totally new kid. She got taller overnight, her vocabulary tripled, and her personality shines even more brightly now. I love being able to sit there and just have a full fledged conversation with her. She makes us laugh so hard, we have tears streaming down our face. One night, all she was doing was making goofy faces and laughing, and J and I could NOT stop laughing. We could not even breathe!

She is in gymnastics, a pre-preschool program, and also goes to the library once a week. She lives for these classes. She is just such a social butterfly, and she definitely likes to make her presence known! She has her first best friend....Little Kinna! Kinna's mom's  husband works for my MIL, and that is how we all got introduced. These little girls are joined at the hip and love each other so much. Watching them together is so sweet. Kenzie + Kinna = BFF's forever! <3 p="">
Mackenzie has been asking for a baby brother. Although sometimes she changes her mind and asks for a sister. It's something we definitely want to give her one day in the near future. Not very near...But semi-near. We have talked about it a lot but hope to be a little more settled in before we seriously discuss it.

At the end of October, I landed my DREAM job. I have been trying to get a job within this particular organization for the last 4 years. I'm still getting used to it, and I HATE being the new person. But I really love it and once I settle into my own routine, I know I will be much more comfortable.

J is still with his company and kicking ass! I am so proud of him. He works so freaking hard every day. I am positive a promotion is in the works. He is also up for an award that they give to one person in each branch at their annual banquet in February. I know he has to get it. I've never seen someone work so hard before. He loves what he does, and it shows!

So here we are! Just your typical husband, wife, and daughter living our lives. I absolutely cannot wait to see what the new year has in store for us! I might even start updating this thing regularly again. Here are some pictures that capture the last several months, sorry they are out of order!

Trail walk on our honeymoon

Me and Matron of Honor before wedding

Kenzie and Kinna!

Mackenzie seeing Santa

First kiss as husband and wife!

Dinner smooch on our honeymoon

Our sweet flower girl.

Husband and Wife

The rings

Daddy's girl.

brother and sister.

Hitting the bottle when it was pouring rain before the wedding!

It's the Final Countdown

I promised myself I wouldn't be making any wedding updates or countdowns during the duration of our engagement. Mainly because I didn't want to jinx anything. But also because this isn't supposed to feel like a wedding. I don't even like calling it a wedding, but I really don't know what else to call it. "A celebration of love" just sounds way too cheesy.

9 weeks, people. When we get past the 4 week mark, I think I'll be able to breathe a little easier. But honestly, I have no bad feelings. This time last year, despite everything being seemingly okay, I was still freaking out. I was dreading our "big day". All the planning and executing it all just right and who sits where, and who enters at what time, and at what point during the processional did this person need to start walking at this pace....It was a nightmare. There is none of that this time. Although, our little 15 people event has grown substantially. But that is mainly because some broken relationships have been mended, and with that, comes more important people back in our lives. I don't mind at all. The more, the merrier I say at this point!

The plan for the day is this- Short and sweet ceremony in J's mom's back field. "I do, I do...You may now kiss your bride...." Done. A good friend of ours who does photography as a hobby and is brilliant, has agreed to take pictures for us. What an angel! So we will be having professional photography. We are doing picnic style food, all homemade. For music, we will be hooking up our ipod to the speakers J's mom has surrounding her property. No DJ needed! Another good friend of ours is a baker and cake decorator, so she is doing the cake for us. So basically it's just food, drinks, music, and a big bonfire to top off the night. I found a pretty ivory lace dress at DEB, it's a high-low style which is exactly what I wanted. I'll be wearing Cowboy boots with it. Cliche? Maybe...But it looks good! I don't care what Josh wears lol. Honestly, at this point, a tux is way too formal. He could come in jeans and I wouldn't care. Same goes for the guests. As long as everyone is comfortable and having a good time.

It's crazy how things change. I used to be one of those people who would scrunch up my nose and roll my eyes at the prospect of someone wearing anything but a gown and a tuxedo to a wedding. I saw a wedding where the groom wore jeans, a flannel shirt, and a cowboy hat and I thought "Oh my God, how trashy!" Granted....The couple getting married had known each other for about 5 minutes and were pretty undesirable people. But who am I to judge? It's really not about the day.

When J asked me to marry him again, I truly just wanted to go to the Courthouse and not have anyone involved. Just do it quietly and tell everyone later. He knew better though. So we compromised on this. And it's working out beautifully. We are BOTH so excited, and we can feel the excitement in each other. Which is something that is very different from last time.

That's not to say our relationship has been all sunshine and rainbows since we got back together. We have had our moments. But we have learned how to get past it, instead of dwelling on it and using it later on in another fight. Fighting is inevitable. It's something that will always happen. But at least we know how to "fight fair" and effectively.

I'm sure there are people out there who are rooting for this to fail. I guess for juicy gossip and drama. Hey, I like drama as much as the next person. People who say they don't like drama are liars. You like it. You just don't like it when it's centered around you. But, you can't be picky, and you have to be able to take the heat if you want to stay in the kitchen.

Only 5 weeks until we get to the 4 week mark. History doesn't always have to repeat itself.

So.Hi.

*crawls out from under her rock and looks around*
What year is it?

So the last time I updated this thing, I was in a very very dark place in my life. Good lord, I was a mess. I don't even want to think about everything that happened back then. You know....People think they know how they will handle a situation when it comes up. I always pictured myself as being the breezy "I'll show you how better off I am without you" type of single woman. But I was completely lost.  I was so sad for my daughter and so sad for myself. I knew Kenzie would be okay through it all, as she was still seeing J regularly and was a very happy little girl. But me? I was really sinking fast.

People- If you take nothing else away from this blog, take this. If you ever go through something like this, or something that totally devastates you, NEVER EVER let ANYONE make you feel like you're a bad person for being sad. Or for being worried about yourself. I had a lot of people tell me I was a "shitty mom" for saying I was more worried about myself than my daughter. And the reason I felt that way, was because as I stated above, a good bit of normalcy was maintained for her sake. I did my best to put on a happy face for her, and she saw J often. She was surrounded by so much love and affection, she was probably sick of it. But if you don't allow yourself to be selfish, and to take care of yourself, there is NO way you will be able to be a good parent. The first rule in life is to take care of YOURSELF.

There have been a lot of changes since the end of September. All of them good changes, I am happy to report. J moved back home right before Thanksgiving. He moved home on the condition that we would go to counseling. And I truly believe this is what really saved our relationship.

During our time apart, he came to a realization about himself and some issues he was having. And he took amazing steps to get them under control. I could not be more proud of him for the strength and courage it took.

I also changed quite a bit. I learned to be more independent. I realized I could make it on my own if I ever needed to. I really started focusing on my education and career and I went back to school. I'm excited to say that I will be graduating in May! Yippee!!

Our relationship is, surprisingly, the best it has ever been probably since we first started dating. And I attribute much of that to fixing our issues during our separation, and also the counseling. We have learned how to communicate much more effectively now. We have let go of the past, and all the resentment that came with it. It was a fresh start. Like falling in love all over again.

We have talked about our future off and on since he came home. About what him moving back in means. Does it mean we are starting from scratch? Do we pick up where we left off? Ultimately we decided to play it by ear, continue with the counseling, and see if we were just in a "honeymoon period" for the first few weeks of him being home, or if we really have changed. Proud to say we definitely have changed.

Along with that, the subject of marriage has come up off and on. After everything that happened, would people even take our relationship seriously anymore? I know if I were an outsider looking in, I would probably side-eye the hell out of someone jumping into marriage right away. So imagine my absolute SHOCK, when J asked me to marry him a few days ago. Yep. You read that right. The dude who called off our wedding 30 days before the big day, asked me to marry him again 3 months of moving back in.

My heart was screaming "YES YES YES YES YES!!!!" And that is what I really wanted to say. Even throughout our separation, I always knew I loved him. I always knew we would eventually find our way back to each other. It was just one of those gut feelings. A woman's intuition, if you will. And I never gave up on that hope. But I said no. My mind was telling me "people are going to think you are NUTS. Not enough time has passed. You're rushing it."

J understood. But we continued talking about it. My biggest fear, was that he was feeling pressured into this. We had just attended the wedding of a friend and he could see it was kind of painful for me. It was for him as well. A million people around us were getting engaged and I had been a little mopey about it. Not because I wanted him to ask me or anything. But...I mean- we were supposed to be husband and wife right now. And it does sting. So all I kept thinking was that he was doing this to make me feel better. And we will go through this whole song and dance again, and he will call it off a month before...AGAIN. He understood why I would feel this way. But he reassured me that this was 100% his choice. He had been thinking about it basically since he moved home. He said it didn't matter to him if 100 years go by. There would never be someone else who he could be in love with. What does it matter that it didn't pan out the first time? Shit happens. He wasn't ready then. He went about it all the wrong way, but IMO, it was better than us going through with it, then having to go through a divorce process. But he is  ready now. Screw what people think. It doesn't matter, as long as we are happy, healthy, and together with our daughter. He wouldn't be doing this, after everything that has happened, if he wasn't 10000% ready to be a husband. These are all his words, by the way.

So....I said yes. I SAID YES! And we will do it September 6, 2014. Almost 6 months from now. Nothing fancy. We have come to realize who our true friends are, and who the people who really love us are, during this whole ordeal. And those will be the people who will be there. The people we couldn't imagine having this moment without. Probably about 15-20 people MAX. No bridal party, no big fancy venue. Just a beautifully landscaped backyard, good food and drinks, good music, greats company, and lots of love!

So there you have it, folks. Judge away! But guess what? It doesn't matter. Because we are happy, and we are a family who is stronger than ever before.

Drowning

I'm just going to type. And type and type and type. I don't give a fuck who reads it. I don't give a fuck who thinks I'm being a whiny drama queen. I don't care if you think I'm the most unstable, selfish, horrible person in the world. I just don't give any fucks at all.

It's been almost a month since J called off the wedding and left me and moved 45 minutes away to a different state. Partly because of his own stupid fuck ups that he has refused to change over the last 4 years and have only gotten worse, and partly because of MY stupid fucks ups that haven't changed and have only gotten worse.

And then came the "I love you. I miss you. I know this can work. We just need to start over and take things slow" texts. And the "Of course! Counseling is a great idea!" texts. And the "Will you be my girl again?" text a la the way he asked me out 4 years ago. And for a bright, shining moment. I thought we would make it.

I interviewed for an awesome job. Was told the position was mine. Then the excuses started to come. "Oh well...We need to get the new database up and running so it'll be a few weeks. Oh well...The girl you will be replacing is staying a little longer to help with the database." "Oh...So sorry. She's decided to stay."

Luckily, another job fell right into my lap, and was even more perfect then the one that screwed me over. It's been secured. I am elated. But is he? Nope. Because apparently "I never finish anything I start..." Yeah....Because I had total control over what that other place did. Nothing...and I mean NOTHING I did/do has ever been good enough.

People who were once my best friends now don't even acknowledge me. Because this whole thing is all my fault. At least that's what they've been told to believe.

And now here I am.....replaying the phone conversation in my head.... "It's not going to work. I don't even care. I'm hanging up. *click*"

AND I CAN'T FUCKING BREATHE.

I know people who have had spouses die. Who have lost children and babies. Who have terminal illnesses. And right now...All I can think about is the pain I'm feeling. And I am wondering is this what it feels like to go through what those people are going through? Because if it is, please someone just put a bullet in me now.

I care about nothing. Everything seems absolutely pointless. Sleeping is pointless, waking up is pointless, watching my daughter play and laugh and grow is pointless. And I hate it. I should be shot for feeling this way. A mother is supposed to put her child's needs before her own. And I can't. I just can't. This pain is all consuming.

I had something I loved so much. SO MUCH. I can't tell you people enough how much I loved this man. Just go back and read all the fucking blog posts over the last 4 years. That wouldn't even cover a fraction of it. And it was ripped away from me. Then it was given back. And then ripped away from me again.

I'm drowning in my own tears.God help me. I don't know what the hell to do.

Warning: This will probably be deleted later. I just needed to get this out because I am so fucking sick of pretending that I am strong and I can do the single mom thing. Because I can't right now.

"Well look who's here...."

Gotta love Bette Middler in Beaches. One of my favorite movies. It is the movie my dad took my mom to see on their first date. And the song Wind Beneath my Wings is a very special song that my dad and I shared. Gosh, I miss him....

Anyway.... You have every right to say that line in the snarky attitude that Bette gives. I haven't posted in over 3 months! Holy cow! So much has been going on, and to be honest.....I kinda lost interest because we were going through a pretty rough patch and needed some time away to evaluate the situation.

So I am a SAHM again! Unfortunately I lost my job for an absolutely ridiculous reason that was totally their fault. But I took the blame and sheepishly signed my termination paper without a fight. I was so embarrassed and so afraid to go home and tell Josh. But once he heard the reason he totally understood that it was their fault and unfortunately, I was their scapegoat. A part of me was so happy though. It was SO SO busy at work (which plays a big part in why I was let go), and I was working mostly nights (like from 1-9) that by the time I got home, Mackenzie was already sound asleep. I barely got to spend any time with her. I mean...She would get up between 8-9 am. Eat breakfast, watch some DisneyJ.R., or some Hub, play around for a little while. By 11:30-noon she was asking for a nap. And then I had to drop her off by 12:45 at the babysitter. So essentially, I was only getting 3.5-4 hours a day with her. I missed her so much, I would be at work and my heart would just hurt.

So I've been enjoying staying at home with her. But I have always been the type of person that would love to stay at home with my kids forever, but then I would feel extremely guilty about not contributing financially to the household. And using someone else money and credit cards to buy the things we need. So I finally bit the bullet and did what I've been wanting to do for years. I registered for classes at a CC for my CNA. From there, I will enter into the Pre-nursing program and pursue my RN! I really hope to be a Labor and Delivery Nurse one day. I just remember how amazing mine were when I was in labor with Kenzie. And it really inspired me. I wanted to help people like they helped me. So I did it and I start the end of August!

However...I'm also scheduled to have back surgery sometime in August. I don't know the exact date yet, but it is happening. *Sigh*. I have 3 herniated discs now. I did the Physical Therapy....Didn't work.Then I did the spinal injections, and that just made everything 10 times worse! So my Pain Management doctor said I definitely needed surgery and referred me to the surgeon. I see her on the 7th to find out when I'll be having surgery. So this does complicate things a bit. But I will work it out.

Wedding plans are coming together. I have a nice big list of all the things we still have to do. We still need to apply for out marriage license...AHHH! Exactly 14 more weeks! Gee...Deja vu? It's like I'm counting down the weeks until Mackenzie is born all over again.

Speaking of my precious little Flower Girl....She is AMAZING. She talks all the time. I mean...She never stops. She just goes into her own little world and jibber-jabbers about anything and everything. She can say so many words I can't even begin to list all of them. And I mean....Big words...Like "television:'. She is great with words....But we have been working on phrases and forming sentences. So far, she has said "Bless your heart!" HAHAHA. Gotta love a southern belle in training! She also says "night night, daddy! Love you!" when she is going to bed. I casn't think of anything else at the moment. I'm sure she says a lot more but it escapes me. She is actually quite thin and short, which surprises me. Because I'm fat and short, and her dad is "beefy" and tall. Hmmm...I guess we'll just have to wait and see!

So much more has been going on but it's 6:30 and I need to go back to sleep for a little while! I woke up at 3 am and couldn't fall back asleep.

Keep readin'! I promise there is more to come!

Oh! And follow me on Instagram.....I'm kinda into that now!

http://instagram.com/xokenziesmamaxo

Where does the time go?

Spring has sprung!! Although, it still feels like winter here. Mother Nature can't seem to make up her mind. I think we are done with the cold weather though. the forecast for the next few weeks is in the mid 60's. Works for me!

I hope everyone who celebrates had a wonderful Easter! It was so much fun this year. Last year Mackenzie was only 6 months old and just kind of laid there like a bump on a log. This year though, she ate glorious food, went on an Easter egg hunt, blew bubbles, and went around the room just charming the pants off everyone in the family. She is exactly like I was when I was a little girl. I was practically raised in restaurants and bars (the nice up-scale bars, not the cheesy hole-in-the-wall ones). I used to just wonder up to people, climb on their lap, and ask them to tell me a story.

J was actually able to join us this year too! Last year he was working. But since he got a new job, he has so much more time off to spend with us. He absolutely loves his new job. I never thought he was going to give up the landscaping because he loved that too. And he was damn good at it. I guess he just got really tired of the crazy hours. He took a slight paycut, but it's really so worth it to have a happy husband (almost)! He'll be getting a decent raise in a couple months anyway, so really it evens out.

Mackenzie is just a ball right now. I swear, her vocabulary grows by leaps and bounds every day. I can't tell you all the words she can say now because there are just too many. She continues to shock me. I had a doctors appointment today, and in the car I said "Mommy has to go to the doctor to get a check up!" and she looked and me and then kept saying "doctor! Doctor!" I couldn't believe it. It was clear as day. She is beginning to put two word scentences together now. If she wants to be picked up she'll say "Up, please." We have been really big on teaching her please and thank you. Also, God bless you is another we have been teaching her. You can never have too many manners!

We finally got rid of the B-O-T-T-L-E. Oh my God, was it a challenge. You'd think the world was coming to an end. Sometimes I would cave and eventually give it to her, but that little sneak J went and threw all the bottles in the garbage! At first, I was getting really concerned because she REFUSED to drink milk from her sippy cup. Juice and water were fine, but no milk. She was hardly taking any in. Of course, we upped her other sources of calcium to make up for it, but still....She is finally starting to get used to having milk in her sippy instead of the bottle. She's still not where I would like her to be, but I'll take it!

Speaking of doctors...I finally am getting all my medical crapola straightened out. When my insurance changed, I had to change doctors because my PCP didn't take my new insurance. I was really bummed because I LOVED my doctor. She didn't make me feel ashamed or like I was a criminal or junkie for needing pain medication to help control my severe sciatica. She actually offered me something stronger and I refused it. I can only take 1 kind of pain medication- Hydrocodone. Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING else makes me ill. I also like taking it because I've taken it so often for different medical issues over the years,that I no longer get that loopy feeling. It still does it's job beautifully. But I don't feel like I just took 5 shots of tequila when I take  it. And that is why I will not try anything else. I don't want that feeling. I can't be "high", for lack of a better word, when I work and have a child to take care of.

Anywho- Saw my new doctor today. Got my AD's changed, and I finally got my order for an MRI to see whether or not I do indeed have a slipped disc in my back. He also ordered me a back brace he wants me to wear at work. That should help a ton. He wrote me a script for the pain medication too, but I'm trying to hold off on that to see if the back brace helps any. We shall see!

There are only 6 months left until the wedding!!! YIKES!! Of course now, there is a bunch of drama surrounding that, that I won't even get in to. Whatever happens, happens. I don't even care. All I care about is at the end of the day, I am his wife, and he is my husband.

That's all for now. I suppose I'll be back in another 2 months to update again!

I'm not dead.

Good gracious, it's been a long time since I update this thing! Is anyone even still out there?

So much to update on, where do I begin?!

I guess I will start with the shining beacon of light in my life: Mackenzie. She will be 17 months old on the 24th! AHHHHHH!!!!! That's 7 months away from 2, people! I've already started planning her 2nd birthday party. We are doing a Princess theme, but not the cheesy bright pinks and yellow and Disney kind of princess. Very Shabby Chic. Pale pinks, golds, and creams. My Pinterest board is chock full of fun ideas!

She had her 15 month check up yesterday. We are a couple months behind because there was a screw up with our insurance which made us a little delayed. It was funny....They gave me this little questionnaire to fill out at her appointment. It was a bunch of milestone questions. What I failed to realize is that they gave me the 18 month form instead of the 15 month. The doctor started to say "Oh, this won't be correct since she's only- Oh...She's already hit these milestones? Oh, well she is way ahead of the curve!" But I'm not bragging or anything. ;)

She is 28 lbs, and 31 inches. That's 82nd percentile for weight and 38th percentile for height. So looks like right now she is going to be short and chubby like her Mama! We get that from my Dad's side of the family. He was a pretty average height and weight for a man, but his sister was short and chubby. 

She is walking/running/jumping like a champ. She has a ton of words. The only thing she doesn't really do yet is start putting a sentence together. The most she says are 2 word phrases like "thank you" and "love you", and even they aren't very clear. You can tell that is what she is trying to say though.

Some of her words are: Mama, Dada, baba, dog-dog, Cash (the dogs actual name), kitty, please, thank you, love you, bunny, Manda (for Aunt Amanda), yellow, blue, red, Nana, GG (great-grandma), hi, bye, bear, book.

She LOVES imitating noises! If you ask her what the lion says, she will growl. If you ask her what the duck says, she will quack. She does it with dog, cat, horse, cow, and pig too. So cute!

She knows all of her body parts. And as if time wasn't going by fast enough, she is showing signs of being ready for potty training. She will say "pee-pee" and then hold her private area. AHHHH! I am not ready for this!

When I had my early gender ultrasound at 16 weeks, she was showing off her acrobatic skills by putting her legs over her head. I said she was either going to be a gymnast or a cheerleader. That has clearly transferred over from the womb, because the chickidee LOVES to dance and do crazy stunts! Future Olympic Gold Medalist? I think so!

Wedding planning. I have done nothing. Literally nothing. And I only have 8 months left. I don't even want to talk about it, because I want to throw up just thinking about all the things I have to do. J and I have both been working SO much, there is just no time to do anything. So I'll just leave it at this: At this point, I would be thrilled with just going to the courthouse and getting married. I love J. We have a family. I couldn't ask for anything more. I don't care about a wedding and the dress and flowers and the whole thing. J, however, is the one who wants the wedding. Honestly, I think he just knows me well enough to know that 10 years from now I would look back and wish we had done a wedding.

J and I have been dealing with some pretty stressful issues lately. Not with each other! They actually have made our relationship so much more solid. I couldn't ask for a better husband, really. He is truly my soulmate and always there for me to back me up when I need him. And even if I don't say a word...We have this connection where he instantly knows when something is wrong, and he takes care of it without even so much as mentioning it to me. I just want the issues to end. It's a very unfortunate situation that involves people I care for very deeply. *edited because I went into a little more detail than I felt comfortable with, and decided it just wasn't the time or place to vent. Lord only knows who's reading this.*

Anyway, I think I've covered pretty much everything! Hopefully it's not another 2 months before I update again. I need to upload recent pictures of Mackenzie...Stay tuned!

Better days ahead...I hope

2012 kind of sucked the big one.

Aside from getting engaged and watching my beautiful daughter grow up, it was full of crappy moments, even right down to the last second.

First of all, my Uncle passed away 2 days after Christmas. I knew it was coming, honestly. He was so sick. I just didn't think it would happen this soon. He went into the hospital the day after Christmas with Pneumonia and with all of his medical issues, his body just shut down. It didn't take long and he was in no pain.

I got to ring in the new year by myself, sick as a dog with the flu. YAY! J was already in bed thanks to this lovely winter job.

Work has been extremely stressful to say the least. We are so busy, so understaffed, and SO underpaid. But eh, it's where I need to be right now if I want to achieve my goals.

Right when I started to feel better, Mackenzie came down with an upper respiratory infection and ear infection. She was so sick, poor thing. But the doc fixed her up with some Amoxicillin and she was feeling so much better after a couple doses. It is amazing to me how Josh didn't catch anything that was floating around here. I did Lysol the shit out of everything though.

She has some new words! She says "baba" for bottle. She calls the dog "dog-dog". I guess she is in the say-everything-twice stage right now. She also says "love you"! So cute. If you ask her "what does the doggy say?" She'll go "woof woof!" And she will meow when you ask her the same about a kitty. She knows all of her basic body parts- nose, eyes, ears, mouth, fingers, feet and belly. She will even point to her heart!

I am amazed every single day at how much she grows overnight. Where did my itty-bitty go? I just love her so much, it almost hurts.

And with that sentiment, I feel I should address something. I have kept up with the blog now for almost 3 years. It has been a wonderful outlet for me. Even when I was a kid, I could never keep up with a diary, so it surprises me that I have kept current with this. I don't know who reads it. I don't really care. It's been such a helpful way for me to vent when I have personal problems.

There are some people out there, who think I am a less than stellar mother. I will not name names. They know who they are. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, of course. But I am so God damn tired of having to live up to other people's standard of what they think I should be.

You may be an anal retentive, OCD control freak (am I channeling RENT?) Great. I'm not.
You have your certain way of doing things. Awesome. So do I.
You may have a perfect grasp on balancing housework, work work, and family. Nice. I'm a little over a year into it. I'll get there.

But before you decide to go spouting off about my parenting skills, perhaps you will remember to get ALL the facts, lest you end up with egg on your face and walking away with your tail tucked between your legs.

That feels better. Moving on, people. Nothin' to see here!

From our family, to yours.

I am so thankful to be able to spend Christmas with all of my friends and family who I love. I was having a bit of trouble getting into the Christmas spirit this year, simply because of the Sandy Hook tragedy.

And then someone sent me this poem. I was at work when I read it, and I sat there on my lunch break and cried and sobbed. It's sad to think about those children, but something about this poem was just so comforting. Knowing that they are really celebrating the best Christmas EVER.

Twas' 11 days before Christmas, around 9:38
when 20 beautiful children stormed through heaven's gate.
their smiles were contagious, their laughter filled the air.
they could hardly believe all the beauty they saw there.
they were filled with such joy, they didn't know what to say.
they remembered nothing of what had happened earlier that day.
"where are we?" asked a little girl, as quiet as a mouse.
"this is heaven." declared a small boy. "we're spending Christmas at God's house."
when what to their wondering eyes did appear,
but Jesus, their savior, the children gathered near.
He looked at them and smiled, and they smiled just the same.
then He opened His arms and He called them by name.
and in that moment was joy, that only heaven can bring
those children all flew into the arms of their King
and as they lingered in the warmth of His embrace,
one small girl turned and looked at Jesus' face.
and as if He could read all the questions she had
He gently whispered to her, "I'll take care of mom and dad."
then He looked down on earth, the world far below
He saw all of the hurt, the sorrow, and woe
then He closed His eyes and He outstretched His hand,
"Let My power and presence re-enter this land!"
"may this country be delivered from the hands of fools"
"I'm taking back my nation. I'm taking back my schools!"
then He and the children stood up without a sound.
"come now my children, let me show you around."
excitement filled the space, some skipped and some ran.
all displaying enthusiasm that only a small child can.
and i heard Him proclaim as He walked out of sight,
"in the midst of this darkness, I AM STILL THE LIGHT."

Written by Cameo Smith, Mt. Wolf, PA

I look at my daughter, who has a cold right now and has been such a trooper, and I cry because of how lucky I am. I never thought I would have her. And yet, she is upstairs asleep in her bed right now. How lucky am I?

I know too many people who are struggling with infertility right now. My heart breaks for them. I was there at one time not too long ago. When J and I first met, he said he didn't want kids. My heart was in my throat when I heard him say that because having kids was something I really looked forward to. As our relationship went on, I had resigned myself to the fact that I would not ever be a mother. I loved this man, and I couldn't make him do something he didn't want to do. I loved him so much, that I was willing to keep up my dream. And then one magical January weekend in Philadelphia, a moment changed our lives forever. I asked J the other night if he liked be a dad. His response? "I feel like it was what I was put here on earth to do. I love it more than I ever thought I could." And you can tell, just by watching him with Mackenzie. He is the most wonderful father. I'm not going to lie, it's something I worried about when I was pregnant. We were both young, him being only 19 when we found out I was pregnant. We were still into the partying every weekend lifestyle. I felt SO guilty that I was taking that away from him. I thought he was going to resent me for it. But we have learned to balance family and fun very well.

Just because we have a child, doesn't mean we can't have fun. More planning goes into a "party weekend", but it's not so different. The kiddo goes to bed, and we have some friends over for drinks and board games! And the wonderful part is, our friends have been SO GREAT. We are the first of our group to have kids, but everyone is SO family oriented. They don't mind that we can't just up and go out to dinner on a whim. They don't mind that we can't have music blaring until the wee hours of the morning. We are truly blessed with some great people tonight.

This blog is kind of all over the place, isn't it? I haven't really blogged in a while and I suppose all my thoughts are just spilling out.

I have lots of pictures to put in here, so I guess I will wrap this up!

"And I heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sigh: Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"

No words.

You all know.....Nothing even needs to be said.

20 babies. 20 precious little angels. Gone. For no reason.

I can't....I really just can't.

I will leave you with 2 thoughts......

And my personal favorite:

"The only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun, is a good guy with a gun."
                                                                                -Wayne LaPierre

It's the most wonderful time of the year!

I can't believe it's already Christmas again! This time last year, Mackenzie was only 3 months old. She was so tiny. The extent of her skills were smiling, laughing, and explosive poops.

Now she is walking, talking, singing....She is a little person now!

We are keeping it pretty low key for Christmas this year. I have been working like crazy, J has picked up a job for the off season...The schedule is GREAT. The only sucky part is that he will have to work Christmas day. BOOOO! He's only going to be there until March, and the pay is a lot more than he'd be getting with the seasonal worker unemployment, so we are happy!

We took Mackenzie to see Santa a few weeks ago! It is AMAZING to look at her picture from last year, and the one this year. She is so beautiful. I have been so blessed with an amazing little girl!

Our tree is pathetic this year. When we did our spring cleaning last year, J accidentally threw out a couple pieces to our tree. We didn't want to spend the money on a new one this year, because we are saving up to get a new car come February, so I just went to the dollar store and picked up a dinky little 25 dollar tree. Our house isn't huge, so it's actually a much better fit then the old tree. I would love to have a real tree, like I always did growing up. But J and I learned very quickly our first Christmas together, that it wasn't possible. We had picked out a tree, and stuffed it into the back of my little Volkswagon Beatle. All of a sudden, J broke out head to toe in hives, and his throat started to close up! Of course, he was allergic to the Christmas tree, as he is to most trees. Gee, he's in the right profession, isn't he? A professional landscaper who is allergic to grass and trees!

Wedding plans are.....Well...They're going. Somewhat. I have been SO bad about planning. Work has been SO busy and I am beat by the time I get home. I work most weekends so it's hard to get things done. I used my last 2 days off to finally pin down the caterer, get a quote for a DJ, sign the contract with the photographer, and make an appointment with a florist. On top of that, I've been studying and taking training seminars for my certification for work. I take my state boards in January! WOOT!

That's about all to report for now! I leave you with some pictures!

 Mackenzie last year, and Mackenzie this year! What a difference!!!

Our sad, sad little tree.

Happy Thanksgiving!

From our family, to yours! I hope everyone enjoys their day with their loved ones!

Sorry I have been scarce...I'm back to work full time and also training/studying for my pharmacy boards to become nationally certified. I'll do an update on the job soon!

Wedding planning will be another update. Until then, just enjoy the holiday and remember to give thanks!

God bless the USA

Cause we are surely going to need it!!!

Why so silent?

Another wonderful song from another wonderful (and longest running since CATS closed) broadway show, Phantom of the Opera!

So, people. Why so silent? 42 followers, and a good bit of hits everyday, and no comments! Come on, people! Get involved!

No, no. I'm not an attention whore...I swear! =) I know you have thoughts, so share away!!!

Save the Date!

It's the middle of October, and wedding plans are in full swing!!

We have gotten some big things out of the way.

We set a date! October 26, 2013. I always dreamed of a fall wedding, especially around here with the GORGEOUS mountains we have. 

We booked the venue for the ceremony and reception

It's an old 18th century barn that they turned into a ballroom. It's even prettier in person if you can believe it! It's located on an 167 acre farm and has numerous historic buildings we can utilize for the wedding! My favorite part? The bridal suite is WAY up high, actually right from where this picture was taken from. They have an old train the runs throughout the entire top of the barn, and the groom will usually put a little note on it and they will stop the train in front of the window to the bridal suite. It's cute little touches like that, that really make the day!

We booked our photographer! We have used her before, when we had some pictures done while I was pregnant. She does amazing work and we are so excited she is able to capture our special day! she will also be doing our engagement pictures the first week of November.

Our Save-The-Dates are all addressed and ready to go out! I was so excited when they arrived. It made it all feel very real.

I have been waiting for this moment for so long, and it's actually happening.  I don't think I have ever delved too deep into my prior relationship on this blog....But it is true I was engaged once before. Between the ages of 16-19. I was RIDICULOUS. My poor Mom. She was so gracious, and tried to be happy for me. I know inside she was screaming at me. But she needed for me to make my own decisions, and realize for myself how wrong it was. We were going to get married on April 18, 2008. We even went as far as booking a gorgeous mansion in the area, making plans, etc...Then one day something hit me. And I told him I thought we should postpone it. We continued our relationship, I moved to Florida and then on April 19th 2008, his step-dad, who I was very close to, passed away at the tender age of 40. I remember thinking...."Holy crap. If we had decided to get married yesterday, this would have been all we would be able to associate our marriage with. The death of someone we loved so much." It just reaffirmed my belief that I had made the right decision in calling it off. Throughout the rest of our relationship, we entertained the idea of getting married. Even considered going to the courthouse.We tried having a baby together after suffering a miscarriage from a surprise pregnancy (stupid decision # 2. I was so very blinded by him). We tried for 5 months and could never get pregnant again. There was always *something* that stopped me from committing fully to our relationship. And I truly believe it was God telling me "No, Ashley. Wait. You have a man in Maryland waiting for you who is going to give you a beautiful daughter, and a life you truly deserve." I thank Him everyday for helping me to be strong and for His guidance.

Okay, enough sap! I am a giddy, excited, blushing bride! I need to get a wedding binder. As it stands now, all our wedding plans/paperwork are cluttering up our kitchen table. I can't wait to blog all about the journey of wedding planning! So we will start with this:

September 24th, Eastern Standard time....

I can't believe a year went by so fast.

Ahhhh, RENT. You always have a quote that fits so perfectly!

In about 6 more hours, Mackenzie Paige will officially be 1 year old. My baby isn't a baby anymore!! We had her birthday party yesterday, and it was AMAZING. Our closest friends and family were there (minus a couple, sadly) and it was such a beautiful turnout. A friend of mine is a budding photographer and we had her come in and shoot the whole thing. We got some WONDERFUL shots!! I will get the full shoot back tomorrow, but I do have a couple of teaser photos for you! Another friend of mine does cakes, and made perfect cake! Yummy too!

I can't believe how much my little girl has grown. You don't really see it as it's happening before you. But when I go back and look at her pictures from last year, and yesterday, the difference is astounding.

From a little redhead, to a beautiful blonde! She never really had that "newborn" look though. She never looked like a scrawny little wrinkly thing. But her eyes are the most gorgeous shade of blue, and her skin is so delicate. I could stare at her all day!

I have been so blessed this past year. I treasure every moment, even the not-so-great ones. She has her days when she tests me, and pushes my buttons, and by the end of the day I want to "send her back" (not really, it's a joke my dad used to make about me when I was a baby!). But She has truly changed me as a person. She's made me a better person. And she will always be loved.

Happy birthday my little Philadelphia Miracle!!

I"'ll love you forever, I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be."

It happened.

For the last 3 years, it's something I have written about a lot. Something that I have been impatiently waiting for since I knew that J was the love of my life. And tonight, it finally happened.

WE ARE ENGAGED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Not only was today my birthday, but J asked me to be his wife!!

We were getting ready to leave for dinner. I was holding Mackenzie in my arms and asked Josh to get her diaper bag which was in front of me. He knelt down on one knee, which I thought odd, and never stood back up. Instead, he grabbed my hand and held it and said:

"Ashley, I was going to wait to do this at dinner, but I couldn't think of a more perfect pace then in our home where we first met and you holding our beautiful daughter. We have so many memories here, and I can't wait to make even more. Will you marry me?"

Then he pulled out the ring, and the tears started flowing. I couldn't freaking believe it. When he first started, I thought he was joking. I was going to KILL him. But no. This was real. It was really happening. It was like a dream. And it was completely NOT how I imagined it. It was so much better.

I am still reeling over it. We celebrated tonight with all of our friends and family. This has been such a perfect day.

The only day that could be more perfect will be on October 26th 2013, when I officially become his wife. Let the wedding planning commence!!!

Tag! You're it!

So I tag all of my lovely followers, if you keep a blog, for the "I love your blog" tag!

Onto the questions!

I Love Your Blog Rules:
1. Pass this award on to everyone
2. Answer the following questions using only one word. One word? Yeah right!

A:1. Where is your cell phone? In my purse
2. Where is your significant other? Fast asleep in our bed
3. Your hair color? Dirty blonde
4. Your mother? Amazing <3 span="span">
6. Your favorite thing? Money! HA!
7. Your dream last night? Weird. Involving a drunken J vomiting all over the place. Yuck.
8. Your dream/goal? Get back into the field I went to school for.
9. The room you're in. Dining room
10. Your hobby? Blogging & singing
11. Your fear? Losing J or our daughter, vomit, failure.
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Married, another child (boy, hopefully!) working in a Drs. office or hospital, and in our house on our 3 acre lot!
13. Where were you last night? Home
14. What you're not? Perfect. I do the best I can, and be the best person I can be. I speak from the heart, I love with everything in me. But I make mistakes.
15. One of your wish-list items? All the fall decor I can get my hands on!
16. Where you grew up? Philadelphia <3>
17. The last thing you did? Take a sip of my Diet Coke
18. What are you wearing? Pink and white polka-dot nightie.
19. Your TV? 52 inch Mitsubishi....I didn't even know they made TV's!
20. Your pet? Our 7 month old shepard/lab, Cash. And our twin boy tabby cats Rocky & Rambo
21. Your computer? A complete POS I got after my GOOD laptop was ruined beyond repair. But it'll do!
22. Your mood? Chilled out, excited and impatient!
23. Missing someone?  Always.
24. Your car? Don't have one =( Hopefully I will soon though!  

25. Something you're not wearing? Shoes
26. Favorite store? Yankee Candle, and any store where I can get home decor/holiday decor.
27. Your summer? This summer was weird. I am glad it's over.
28. Love someone? Beyond what words can express.
29. Your favorite color? PINK!!
30. When is the last time you laughed? About 20 minutes ago while watching a Jenna Marbles video.
31. Last time you cried? A few days ago.
32. Are you a bitch? I don't try to be, but sometimes I am.
33. Favorite Position? Administrative! HA! Too personal to answer the *real* question!
34. Favorite Past Time? Singing
35. Are you a hater or a Lover? Definitely a lover. I do not like it when someone is mad at me.
37. Are you genuine or fake? Genuine.But I guess that is really up for you to decide.
38. Any Vices? Giving in to my food cravings, shopping!
39. Pro Life or Wire Hanger? I lean more toward Pro-Life. But I don't really see the point in making abortion illegal. Just let a person make their own decision. They are the one's who will have to live with it for the rest of their life.
40. ROMNEY or OBAMA? Romney all the way! I am not thrilled with his position on social issues like abortion and gay marriage. BUT- I think economical issues are WAY more important, and he has a better plan in place to get this country back on track. Obama is just digging us into a deeper hole then we started out in.
41. Pro Plastic or Natural? Do whatever makes you happy!
42. Dream Job? Administrative Assistant for a hospital.


Now go! I tag you all to do the survey!!

Ramblings of a young Republican

Can you tell I am SO ready for Fall to begin?! Hopefully it will be here sooner rather than later. The high is 91 today with a heat index of 99. YUCK.

Anywho- Onto the important things! Election time is upon us, and it brings out the crazy in all of us. We all think we are right....I just happened to actually BE right! Haha- Get it?

It's no secret that I am extremely Republican. Now, I say Republican and not Conservative, because I have always felt there is a big difference between the two. I am 100% completely a staunch Republican in regards to fiscal issues. Social issues? I do lean more to the left there....But not entirely. Do I think EVERYONE has the right to get married, whether you are black, white, gay, or straight? Sure. But I don't honestly care enough about it to let that sway my decision in the election. It doesn't affect me because....Well, I'm not gay. Do I think making abortions illegal is a little extreme and opens up a whole can of worms for the rape/incest/medical complications aspect of it? Yes. But I don't condone abortion either. I personally think it should be left the hell alone, and if a person wants to have an abortion for any reason, that's on them. THEY have to live with the decision, not me. I wouldn't do it, under any circumstance. If I were told I would die unless I had an abortion? I don't know....Part of me wants to say yes, I would do it. But the other part of me believes that God does have a plan. And when people are taken from this earth WAY too early, it's because God has a bigger plan for them in Heaven, then here on earth. As for rape- Again, I think it should be left up to a personal decision. I wouldn't do it, EVER. There are details of my life that I am not going to put out here. But I will say this- I have personal reasons for why I feel the way I do. If a woman is raped and becomes pregnant- That is absolutely horrible and I can imagine the emotional/physical pain of it. But that baby- that INNOCENT baby who had no choice in the matter either, is still part of that woman. Who is to say that woman can't grow up to love her child. regardless of who the "sperm donor" was. Just because the father is a complete monster, doesn't mean the child will grow up to be. That's the beauty of the father NOT being in the picture. It's a chance for the Mother to watch her child grow up, and teach them how to be a decent, caring, and moral person.

And then, there is always the WONDERFUL gift of adoption. So many people forget about that. About how many people there are in the world who can't have a child on their own. It makes me sad, because I used to think I would be one of those people. *hugs daughter tight*.

But what *really* matters right now, is the economy. That is the biggest issue and should be TOP priority. Democrats don't want to make it the top priority. They think social issues should be dealt with first. I can't for the life of me, see the logic behind that. Like. At all. I kind of feel like grabbing one and shaking them, slapping them across the face screaming "Are you crazy?!?!" So...You're gay and you are now officially allowed to get married anywhere you want, anyway you want. You want the big dream wedding that everyone dreams of. But oops.... The economy is still shit. You lost your job 6 months ago because your company went out of business because they couldn't afford the cost of Obamacare. You can't find a job paying the same salary, so you're flipping burgers at McDonalds to try to scrape by. Too bad you can't put that OH SO IMPORTANT social issue of legalizing gay marriage EVERYWHERE to use and you know, actually get married. Oh darn.

It would be great if we lived in a perfect world where everyone's view and beliefs were the same. But it would also be kind of boring, dont you think? Are Romney/Ryan my ideal candidates? No. None of the candidates this year really were. Until a Republican candidate comes along and is in favor of legalizing gay marriage and leaving abortion up to a personal decision, AFTER, of course, focusing on the economy, I will never have an ideal candidate. However- I just can't stand behind Obama after all the lies he has told, and all the deceit. He is a scary, scary man. He seems like a wonderful person, outside of politics. But as a politician and Commander in Chief? I am scared shitless of him and what he has done already/could do in another 4 years. There are so many "unknowns" about this man, and it is terrifying.

If you've reached the end of this, depending on your party, you are either applauding, or wanting to ring my neck. Feel free to leave comments! I love a good debate =)