It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year!

It really is! I love Christmas time! And being the first Christmas we are married, makes it extra special.

We have just been enjoying doing everything together as a complete family. Putting up and decorating the tree, watching Holiday movies, and our first year doing Elf on the Shelf! Mackenzie has been LOVING seeing where Nelson (that's what she named him) has settled in for the day each morning. This is something I have been so excited to do with her since she was born!

Earlier, I was looking back on all my old blog posts. It's crazy to see how much has changed in the last 5 years. Some good things, some not so good things... But you know, I wouldn't change anything that happened. Everything happens for a reason, and comes with a lesson. I believe there is good in everything and everyone.

Work has been crazy, but in a good way! 12 hours goes by so fast...I blink and it's one o'clock and my day is half over already! When I first started, I was getting really frustrated because I was new and needed to learn all the protocols and where things were. But now that I have been there for almost 2 months, I have settled in to my own routine and am loving it! I love all the patients I take care of (even the crazy ones!), and apparently they are loving me. Sometimes patients get asked to take these surveys after they leave, and I have been mentioned in a couple of them for very good reasons. That always makes me feel good. Sometimes it's hard to relay to a patient that you really do care about them when you have 14 patients to take care of and they all need something at the same time. You try not to make them feel you are rushing. I love to chit-chat with them as I'm doing my work, but sometimes I have to cut it short and move along to the next. And you really do get attached to some of them. I love it when a patient gets to go home, but at the same time I miss seeing them. One lady in particular I have promised to visit her in the home and watch Days of our Lives with her. I plan on keeping that promise too! Very sweet lady!

J is home more often now that it's winter. He goes into the office for a couple hours every day to do maintenance work or paperwork, but unless it snows, he's home with us. We have been loving it! I love this time, because come Spring, we won't see much of him at all. Poor guy works so hard. I'll never understand why a man who is deathly allergic to grass and trees decided to go into the field of lawn maintenance! But he loves what he does and it shows. Actually, one of my patients husbands is a client of J! We got to talking and he mentioned where he worked and I told him my husband's company takes care of their property. Turns out they actually know each other and talk on the phone all the time. He said how great everything looks. J was tickled pink when I told him this. He really takes pride in what he does.

That's pretty much everything that's been going on here. In case I don't post before than, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to everyone reading!

 

The happy family!

Outside looking in. Such a cozy sight!

 Nelson in his magical bubble bath

Hanging ornaments with Daddy

What a Difference a Year Makes.

Why hello there, readers! If there are any of you left, that is. It has been far too long since I ventured onto Blogger. So long, in fact, that I had to read my last entry to even remember where I had left off!

This time last year, my life was slowly coming back together after a few months of complete chaos. If you had asked me last year where I thought I would be today, I wouldn't think it would be where I am. Wait...What? That makes sense, right?

J and I were married on September 6, 2014! FINALLY! We did it! It was an absolutely beautiful day and I would not have changed a thing. It poured rain mere minutes before the ceremony was about to begin (everything was set to be outdoors). The tent has collapsed, the tablecloths and centerpieces had blown away. My hair was drenched and my curls fell out. And thanks to a communication error between my Matron of Honor and the Groom, J and I bumped into each other before the ceremony, while scrambling to fix everything that had been torn up during the storm. I was near tears. My brother, who last year just one day before the day and I J were supposed to be married got into a near fatal car accident and had to re-learn how to walk, arrived ready to walk me down the aisle and the clouds broke, and the sun came beaming through. I know it was our Dad smiling down on us, shining a little light on this day. Everything went perfectly from there on out. J and I exchanged some vows we had written to one another, and it was one of the most beautiful experiences of my life. Everyone laughed, and cried right along with us. After the ceremony, and some good eating, we had a bonfire, and got dirty playing in the mud pit. It was a BLAST! Looking back, I am so glad we got married this way, instead of a stuffy traditional wedding. Our wedding was so personalized, carefree, and FUN.

For our honeymoon, we spent several days at the cutest B&B near Delaware. Our room was AMAZING. I didn't want to leave. If I could have, I would have taken that bed home with me. I haven never slept as well as I did those nights. We had our own private balcony where after soaking in the giant whirlpool tub, we slipped into our robes and sat, drinking our champagne/tea, listening to the creatures in the woods behind us. It was bliss. We have decided to go back every year on our anniversary!

People always ask "does it feel different being married?" Yes. It does. The entire dynamic of our relationship has changed. I couldn't tell you why, but it has. If we have a disagreement, instead of screaming and blaming and doing all sorts of childish thing, we talk calmly and rationally. We have learned how to "let it go". We no longer hold grudges. I attribute this to the counseling we did when we decided to get back together last year. We have truly become a team.

Mackenzie is now 3! Oh goodness, am I glad 2 is over. It's almost like as soon as she turned 3, she turned into a totally new kid. She got taller overnight, her vocabulary tripled, and her personality shines even more brightly now. I love being able to sit there and just have a full fledged conversation with her. She makes us laugh so hard, we have tears streaming down our face. One night, all she was doing was making goofy faces and laughing, and J and I could NOT stop laughing. We could not even breathe!

She is in gymnastics, a pre-preschool program, and also goes to the library once a week. She lives for these classes. She is just such a social butterfly, and she definitely likes to make her presence known! She has her first best friend....Little Kinna! Kinna's mom's  husband works for my MIL, and that is how we all got introduced. These little girls are joined at the hip and love each other so much. Watching them together is so sweet. Kenzie + Kinna = BFF's forever! <3 p="">
Mackenzie has been asking for a baby brother. Although sometimes she changes her mind and asks for a sister. It's something we definitely want to give her one day in the near future. Not very near...But semi-near. We have talked about it a lot but hope to be a little more settled in before we seriously discuss it.

At the end of October, I landed my DREAM job. I have been trying to get a job within this particular organization for the last 4 years. I'm still getting used to it, and I HATE being the new person. But I really love it and once I settle into my own routine, I know I will be much more comfortable.

J is still with his company and kicking ass! I am so proud of him. He works so freaking hard every day. I am positive a promotion is in the works. He is also up for an award that they give to one person in each branch at their annual banquet in February. I know he has to get it. I've never seen someone work so hard before. He loves what he does, and it shows!

So here we are! Just your typical husband, wife, and daughter living our lives. I absolutely cannot wait to see what the new year has in store for us! I might even start updating this thing regularly again. Here are some pictures that capture the last several months, sorry they are out of order!

Trail walk on our honeymoon

Me and Matron of Honor before wedding

Kenzie and Kinna!

Mackenzie seeing Santa

First kiss as husband and wife!

Dinner smooch on our honeymoon

Our sweet flower girl.

Husband and Wife

The rings

Daddy's girl.

brother and sister.

Hitting the bottle when it was pouring rain before the wedding!

It's the Final Countdown

I promised myself I wouldn't be making any wedding updates or countdowns during the duration of our engagement. Mainly because I didn't want to jinx anything. But also because this isn't supposed to feel like a wedding. I don't even like calling it a wedding, but I really don't know what else to call it. "A celebration of love" just sounds way too cheesy.

9 weeks, people. When we get past the 4 week mark, I think I'll be able to breathe a little easier. But honestly, I have no bad feelings. This time last year, despite everything being seemingly okay, I was still freaking out. I was dreading our "big day". All the planning and executing it all just right and who sits where, and who enters at what time, and at what point during the processional did this person need to start walking at this pace....It was a nightmare. There is none of that this time. Although, our little 15 people event has grown substantially. But that is mainly because some broken relationships have been mended, and with that, comes more important people back in our lives. I don't mind at all. The more, the merrier I say at this point!

The plan for the day is this- Short and sweet ceremony in J's mom's back field. "I do, I do...You may now kiss your bride...." Done. A good friend of ours who does photography as a hobby and is brilliant, has agreed to take pictures for us. What an angel! So we will be having professional photography. We are doing picnic style food, all homemade. For music, we will be hooking up our ipod to the speakers J's mom has surrounding her property. No DJ needed! Another good friend of ours is a baker and cake decorator, so she is doing the cake for us. So basically it's just food, drinks, music, and a big bonfire to top off the night. I found a pretty ivory lace dress at DEB, it's a high-low style which is exactly what I wanted. I'll be wearing Cowboy boots with it. Cliche? Maybe...But it looks good! I don't care what Josh wears lol. Honestly, at this point, a tux is way too formal. He could come in jeans and I wouldn't care. Same goes for the guests. As long as everyone is comfortable and having a good time.

It's crazy how things change. I used to be one of those people who would scrunch up my nose and roll my eyes at the prospect of someone wearing anything but a gown and a tuxedo to a wedding. I saw a wedding where the groom wore jeans, a flannel shirt, and a cowboy hat and I thought "Oh my God, how trashy!" Granted....The couple getting married had known each other for about 5 minutes and were pretty undesirable people. But who am I to judge? It's really not about the day.

When J asked me to marry him again, I truly just wanted to go to the Courthouse and not have anyone involved. Just do it quietly and tell everyone later. He knew better though. So we compromised on this. And it's working out beautifully. We are BOTH so excited, and we can feel the excitement in each other. Which is something that is very different from last time.

That's not to say our relationship has been all sunshine and rainbows since we got back together. We have had our moments. But we have learned how to get past it, instead of dwelling on it and using it later on in another fight. Fighting is inevitable. It's something that will always happen. But at least we know how to "fight fair" and effectively.

I'm sure there are people out there who are rooting for this to fail. I guess for juicy gossip and drama. Hey, I like drama as much as the next person. People who say they don't like drama are liars. You like it. You just don't like it when it's centered around you. But, you can't be picky, and you have to be able to take the heat if you want to stay in the kitchen.

Only 5 weeks until we get to the 4 week mark. History doesn't always have to repeat itself.

So.Hi.

*crawls out from under her rock and looks around*
What year is it?

So the last time I updated this thing, I was in a very very dark place in my life. Good lord, I was a mess. I don't even want to think about everything that happened back then. You know....People think they know how they will handle a situation when it comes up. I always pictured myself as being the breezy "I'll show you how better off I am without you" type of single woman. But I was completely lost.  I was so sad for my daughter and so sad for myself. I knew Kenzie would be okay through it all, as she was still seeing J regularly and was a very happy little girl. But me? I was really sinking fast.

People- If you take nothing else away from this blog, take this. If you ever go through something like this, or something that totally devastates you, NEVER EVER let ANYONE make you feel like you're a bad person for being sad. Or for being worried about yourself. I had a lot of people tell me I was a "shitty mom" for saying I was more worried about myself than my daughter. And the reason I felt that way, was because as I stated above, a good bit of normalcy was maintained for her sake. I did my best to put on a happy face for her, and she saw J often. She was surrounded by so much love and affection, she was probably sick of it. But if you don't allow yourself to be selfish, and to take care of yourself, there is NO way you will be able to be a good parent. The first rule in life is to take care of YOURSELF.

There have been a lot of changes since the end of September. All of them good changes, I am happy to report. J moved back home right before Thanksgiving. He moved home on the condition that we would go to counseling. And I truly believe this is what really saved our relationship.

During our time apart, he came to a realization about himself and some issues he was having. And he took amazing steps to get them under control. I could not be more proud of him for the strength and courage it took.

I also changed quite a bit. I learned to be more independent. I realized I could make it on my own if I ever needed to. I really started focusing on my education and career and I went back to school. I'm excited to say that I will be graduating in May! Yippee!!

Our relationship is, surprisingly, the best it has ever been probably since we first started dating. And I attribute much of that to fixing our issues during our separation, and also the counseling. We have learned how to communicate much more effectively now. We have let go of the past, and all the resentment that came with it. It was a fresh start. Like falling in love all over again.

We have talked about our future off and on since he came home. About what him moving back in means. Does it mean we are starting from scratch? Do we pick up where we left off? Ultimately we decided to play it by ear, continue with the counseling, and see if we were just in a "honeymoon period" for the first few weeks of him being home, or if we really have changed. Proud to say we definitely have changed.

Along with that, the subject of marriage has come up off and on. After everything that happened, would people even take our relationship seriously anymore? I know if I were an outsider looking in, I would probably side-eye the hell out of someone jumping into marriage right away. So imagine my absolute SHOCK, when J asked me to marry him a few days ago. Yep. You read that right. The dude who called off our wedding 30 days before the big day, asked me to marry him again 3 months of moving back in.

My heart was screaming "YES YES YES YES YES!!!!" And that is what I really wanted to say. Even throughout our separation, I always knew I loved him. I always knew we would eventually find our way back to each other. It was just one of those gut feelings. A woman's intuition, if you will. And I never gave up on that hope. But I said no. My mind was telling me "people are going to think you are NUTS. Not enough time has passed. You're rushing it."

J understood. But we continued talking about it. My biggest fear, was that he was feeling pressured into this. We had just attended the wedding of a friend and he could see it was kind of painful for me. It was for him as well. A million people around us were getting engaged and I had been a little mopey about it. Not because I wanted him to ask me or anything. But...I mean- we were supposed to be husband and wife right now. And it does sting. So all I kept thinking was that he was doing this to make me feel better. And we will go through this whole song and dance again, and he will call it off a month before...AGAIN. He understood why I would feel this way. But he reassured me that this was 100% his choice. He had been thinking about it basically since he moved home. He said it didn't matter to him if 100 years go by. There would never be someone else who he could be in love with. What does it matter that it didn't pan out the first time? Shit happens. He wasn't ready then. He went about it all the wrong way, but IMO, it was better than us going through with it, then having to go through a divorce process. But he is  ready now. Screw what people think. It doesn't matter, as long as we are happy, healthy, and together with our daughter. He wouldn't be doing this, after everything that has happened, if he wasn't 10000% ready to be a husband. These are all his words, by the way.

So....I said yes. I SAID YES! And we will do it September 6, 2014. Almost 6 months from now. Nothing fancy. We have come to realize who our true friends are, and who the people who really love us are, during this whole ordeal. And those will be the people who will be there. The people we couldn't imagine having this moment without. Probably about 15-20 people MAX. No bridal party, no big fancy venue. Just a beautifully landscaped backyard, good food and drinks, good music, greats company, and lots of love!

So there you have it, folks. Judge away! But guess what? It doesn't matter. Because we are happy, and we are a family who is stronger than ever before.

Drowning

I'm just going to type. And type and type and type. I don't give a fuck who reads it. I don't give a fuck who thinks I'm being a whiny drama queen. I don't care if you think I'm the most unstable, selfish, horrible person in the world. I just don't give any fucks at all.

It's been almost a month since J called off the wedding and left me and moved 45 minutes away to a different state. Partly because of his own stupid fuck ups that he has refused to change over the last 4 years and have only gotten worse, and partly because of MY stupid fucks ups that haven't changed and have only gotten worse.

And then came the "I love you. I miss you. I know this can work. We just need to start over and take things slow" texts. And the "Of course! Counseling is a great idea!" texts. And the "Will you be my girl again?" text a la the way he asked me out 4 years ago. And for a bright, shining moment. I thought we would make it.

I interviewed for an awesome job. Was told the position was mine. Then the excuses started to come. "Oh well...We need to get the new database up and running so it'll be a few weeks. Oh well...The girl you will be replacing is staying a little longer to help with the database." "Oh...So sorry. She's decided to stay."

Luckily, another job fell right into my lap, and was even more perfect then the one that screwed me over. It's been secured. I am elated. But is he? Nope. Because apparently "I never finish anything I start..." Yeah....Because I had total control over what that other place did. Nothing...and I mean NOTHING I did/do has ever been good enough.

People who were once my best friends now don't even acknowledge me. Because this whole thing is all my fault. At least that's what they've been told to believe.

And now here I am.....replaying the phone conversation in my head.... "It's not going to work. I don't even care. I'm hanging up. *click*"

AND I CAN'T FUCKING BREATHE.

I know people who have had spouses die. Who have lost children and babies. Who have terminal illnesses. And right now...All I can think about is the pain I'm feeling. And I am wondering is this what it feels like to go through what those people are going through? Because if it is, please someone just put a bullet in me now.

I care about nothing. Everything seems absolutely pointless. Sleeping is pointless, waking up is pointless, watching my daughter play and laugh and grow is pointless. And I hate it. I should be shot for feeling this way. A mother is supposed to put her child's needs before her own. And I can't. I just can't. This pain is all consuming.

I had something I loved so much. SO MUCH. I can't tell you people enough how much I loved this man. Just go back and read all the fucking blog posts over the last 4 years. That wouldn't even cover a fraction of it. And it was ripped away from me. Then it was given back. And then ripped away from me again.

I'm drowning in my own tears.God help me. I don't know what the hell to do.

Warning: This will probably be deleted later. I just needed to get this out because I am so fucking sick of pretending that I am strong and I can do the single mom thing. Because I can't right now.

"Well look who's here...."

Gotta love Bette Middler in Beaches. One of my favorite movies. It is the movie my dad took my mom to see on their first date. And the song Wind Beneath my Wings is a very special song that my dad and I shared. Gosh, I miss him....

Anyway.... You have every right to say that line in the snarky attitude that Bette gives. I haven't posted in over 3 months! Holy cow! So much has been going on, and to be honest.....I kinda lost interest because we were going through a pretty rough patch and needed some time away to evaluate the situation.

So I am a SAHM again! Unfortunately I lost my job for an absolutely ridiculous reason that was totally their fault. But I took the blame and sheepishly signed my termination paper without a fight. I was so embarrassed and so afraid to go home and tell Josh. But once he heard the reason he totally understood that it was their fault and unfortunately, I was their scapegoat. A part of me was so happy though. It was SO SO busy at work (which plays a big part in why I was let go), and I was working mostly nights (like from 1-9) that by the time I got home, Mackenzie was already sound asleep. I barely got to spend any time with her. I mean...She would get up between 8-9 am. Eat breakfast, watch some DisneyJ.R., or some Hub, play around for a little while. By 11:30-noon she was asking for a nap. And then I had to drop her off by 12:45 at the babysitter. So essentially, I was only getting 3.5-4 hours a day with her. I missed her so much, I would be at work and my heart would just hurt.

So I've been enjoying staying at home with her. But I have always been the type of person that would love to stay at home with my kids forever, but then I would feel extremely guilty about not contributing financially to the household. And using someone else money and credit cards to buy the things we need. So I finally bit the bullet and did what I've been wanting to do for years. I registered for classes at a CC for my CNA. From there, I will enter into the Pre-nursing program and pursue my RN! I really hope to be a Labor and Delivery Nurse one day. I just remember how amazing mine were when I was in labor with Kenzie. And it really inspired me. I wanted to help people like they helped me. So I did it and I start the end of August!

However...I'm also scheduled to have back surgery sometime in August. I don't know the exact date yet, but it is happening. *Sigh*. I have 3 herniated discs now. I did the Physical Therapy....Didn't work.Then I did the spinal injections, and that just made everything 10 times worse! So my Pain Management doctor said I definitely needed surgery and referred me to the surgeon. I see her on the 7th to find out when I'll be having surgery. So this does complicate things a bit. But I will work it out.

Wedding plans are coming together. I have a nice big list of all the things we still have to do. We still need to apply for out marriage license...AHHH! Exactly 14 more weeks! Gee...Deja vu? It's like I'm counting down the weeks until Mackenzie is born all over again.

Speaking of my precious little Flower Girl....She is AMAZING. She talks all the time. I mean...She never stops. She just goes into her own little world and jibber-jabbers about anything and everything. She can say so many words I can't even begin to list all of them. And I mean....Big words...Like "television:'. She is great with words....But we have been working on phrases and forming sentences. So far, she has said "Bless your heart!" HAHAHA. Gotta love a southern belle in training! She also says "night night, daddy! Love you!" when she is going to bed. I casn't think of anything else at the moment. I'm sure she says a lot more but it escapes me. She is actually quite thin and short, which surprises me. Because I'm fat and short, and her dad is "beefy" and tall. Hmmm...I guess we'll just have to wait and see!

So much more has been going on but it's 6:30 and I need to go back to sleep for a little while! I woke up at 3 am and couldn't fall back asleep.

Keep readin'! I promise there is more to come!

Oh! And follow me on Instagram.....I'm kinda into that now!

http://instagram.com/xokenziesmamaxo

Where does the time go?

Spring has sprung!! Although, it still feels like winter here. Mother Nature can't seem to make up her mind. I think we are done with the cold weather though. the forecast for the next few weeks is in the mid 60's. Works for me!

I hope everyone who celebrates had a wonderful Easter! It was so much fun this year. Last year Mackenzie was only 6 months old and just kind of laid there like a bump on a log. This year though, she ate glorious food, went on an Easter egg hunt, blew bubbles, and went around the room just charming the pants off everyone in the family. She is exactly like I was when I was a little girl. I was practically raised in restaurants and bars (the nice up-scale bars, not the cheesy hole-in-the-wall ones). I used to just wonder up to people, climb on their lap, and ask them to tell me a story.

J was actually able to join us this year too! Last year he was working. But since he got a new job, he has so much more time off to spend with us. He absolutely loves his new job. I never thought he was going to give up the landscaping because he loved that too. And he was damn good at it. I guess he just got really tired of the crazy hours. He took a slight paycut, but it's really so worth it to have a happy husband (almost)! He'll be getting a decent raise in a couple months anyway, so really it evens out.

Mackenzie is just a ball right now. I swear, her vocabulary grows by leaps and bounds every day. I can't tell you all the words she can say now because there are just too many. She continues to shock me. I had a doctors appointment today, and in the car I said "Mommy has to go to the doctor to get a check up!" and she looked and me and then kept saying "doctor! Doctor!" I couldn't believe it. It was clear as day. She is beginning to put two word scentences together now. If she wants to be picked up she'll say "Up, please." We have been really big on teaching her please and thank you. Also, God bless you is another we have been teaching her. You can never have too many manners!

We finally got rid of the B-O-T-T-L-E. Oh my God, was it a challenge. You'd think the world was coming to an end. Sometimes I would cave and eventually give it to her, but that little sneak J went and threw all the bottles in the garbage! At first, I was getting really concerned because she REFUSED to drink milk from her sippy cup. Juice and water were fine, but no milk. She was hardly taking any in. Of course, we upped her other sources of calcium to make up for it, but still....She is finally starting to get used to having milk in her sippy instead of the bottle. She's still not where I would like her to be, but I'll take it!

Speaking of doctors...I finally am getting all my medical crapola straightened out. When my insurance changed, I had to change doctors because my PCP didn't take my new insurance. I was really bummed because I LOVED my doctor. She didn't make me feel ashamed or like I was a criminal or junkie for needing pain medication to help control my severe sciatica. She actually offered me something stronger and I refused it. I can only take 1 kind of pain medication- Hydrocodone. Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING else makes me ill. I also like taking it because I've taken it so often for different medical issues over the years,that I no longer get that loopy feeling. It still does it's job beautifully. But I don't feel like I just took 5 shots of tequila when I take  it. And that is why I will not try anything else. I don't want that feeling. I can't be "high", for lack of a better word, when I work and have a child to take care of.

Anywho- Saw my new doctor today. Got my AD's changed, and I finally got my order for an MRI to see whether or not I do indeed have a slipped disc in my back. He also ordered me a back brace he wants me to wear at work. That should help a ton. He wrote me a script for the pain medication too, but I'm trying to hold off on that to see if the back brace helps any. We shall see!

There are only 6 months left until the wedding!!! YIKES!! Of course now, there is a bunch of drama surrounding that, that I won't even get in to. Whatever happens, happens. I don't even care. All I care about is at the end of the day, I am his wife, and he is my husband.

That's all for now. I suppose I'll be back in another 2 months to update again!